Cruel and Unusual
by MiaoShou
Summary: Light's dreams and fantasies - what he wants, what he doesn't have. Shounen ai. Yaoi. LightxLxLight.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: A change of pace here, nothing funny. Came to me when I was doing the dishes. Water always gives me ideas. Bathroom, toilet, kitchen sink, anywhere it's bloody inconvenient to grab a pen and start writing XD_

_DISCLAIMER: Death Note is not mine, cute guys are not mine, just this story is mine._

_JAPANESE TRANSLATION: anta no baka – fucking idiot._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

"Why do you like it up here?" I say. I don't see the attraction myself. The wind is cold up here on the roof and there's a smell of rain in the air, clouds hovering low.

"I don't know, Yagami-kun," you say. "I just do. It's empty. I'm alone. Nothing and nobody else."

Thanks, I think, I'm nobody. Charming, Ryuuzaki. So polite. Not.

You look up at the sky, there's nothing to see but clouds but you look anyway. Your hair blows around your face, your shirt bagging and billowing in the wind. Of course, you didn't bring a coat with you. No point expecting you to do anything as sensible as that.

I sigh, pointedly, but you take no notice. I didn't really expect that you would. So I resign myself to standing here freezing while you commune with nature or whatever the hell it is you're doing.

I look down and realise that you don't even have shoes on. Why am I surprised? Do you ever have shoes on? Well, yes, when you were pretending to be a University student you did.

Not at the entrance exam though. I remember you had your bare feet up on your desk. The invigilator wasn't too thrilled about that. When he told you to sit properly, I turned around to see what was happening and there you were. A weed in a field of flowers. I'd never seen anything like you and I had to turn around several times after that to be sure I didn't imagine you. You seemed like some kind of fairytale creature, a spirit, a kami, a karasu-tengu with the ability to transform into a crow. Your black, wild, feather-fashion hair certainly suggested it.

I see you're shivering, you're so exasperating sometimes, you have no idea how to take care of yourself.

"It's going to rain, Ryuuzaki," I say.

"Yes," you murmur, absently, as if you're not really listening. "It often does that, up here."

You don't seem about to move, so I take off my jacket and put it over your shoulders. I'm not sure you even notice. Do you ever notice anything about me? Except that you think I'm a killer. And that I'm useful to you, helping you by investigating my own supposed crimes, only you could have come up with that twisted idea.

I stay where I am after that, standing close behind you, perhaps I can shelter you from the wind. You're so underweight, I think it's almost possible you might blow away, right off the roof. Of course, then everyone would blame me, say I pushed you off because you found out I was Kira. I'm so tired of these games we play. I know I'm innocent – but there's no way I can find to convince you.

The wind changes direction, slaps you in the face and you recoil, brushing up against me. I put up my hands to catch you, holding your arms, your back pressed against me. Your hair blows back from your face, black silk ribbons, and you turn to look at me.

That's when it happens. How did I not know before now? Why this sudden revelation? On the _roof_ for God's sake?

I stare at you. Down at you. We're the same height but your posture is appalling. How can you be such a mess and be so fucking beautiful, all at the same time?

You don't pull away from me, just turn your face back into the wind and shut me out again. And I'm left staring at you, my mind horrified, my body on fire despite the coldness of the wind.

I'm in love with you. I say it to myself and it takes on a life of its own, hangs there in front of me like a death sentence, like the gallows noose. Am I crazy? Why would I love someone who knows as much about such matters as – as the damn wind does! Don't I have a choice about this I ask, turning my own face up to the heavens, feeling the first spatter of rain on my head.

You don't seem to notice the rain. I've never seen you like this before, so far away from everything. I want to take you inside before you get soaked, but whatever it is you're doing, you're doing it with an intensity I don't want to break into. I slide my arms right around you and wait, the rain pattering then splashing then bouncing around us, dripping off my hair and face, pasting my shirt to my body.

You sigh and almost slump into my arms. I hold you, it seems you might fall. You twist around to face me, maybe you're trying to get free but I don't feel like letting go just yet. Who knows when I'll ever get to do this again? Maybe never.

"It's raining, Raito-kun," you say to me and the familiarity with my name makes me happy.

"I know," I say. "I told you it would."

"You're wet," you say, and move as if to take off my coat.

"Keep it," I say. "It's too late for me."

You look up at that, staring into my eyes. Are you wondering if I just confessed to you? I did, Ryuuzaki, but not the confession you're hoping for.

"We should go in," you say. "It would seem like cruel and unusual punishment for me to let my suspect catch pneumonia."

I let go of you, follow you inside, down the stairs.

"I'm hungry," you say. You're always hungry and no wonder, your diet isn't exactly high in nutrients. I'd like to cook you a decent meal for once – anta no baka, Raito, I tell myself, what the _fuck_ are you thinking?

So we go to our room and we sit, you eating, me drying myself. I've lost my appetite. It gives me some kind of dark satisfaction to see I have at least one of the typical symptoms. Maybe I won't be able to sleep either? Maybe I'll just lie awake, listening to you working, then listening to you breathing.

You pick up your fork in that odd grasp and I watch you from beneath my towel. Imagine those slim, elegant fingers on my skin. Touching me.

You cut a piece of cake with your fork, place it in your mouth. Your mouth. I think of kissing. I think of your mouth all over me. I shudder and you glance at me with concern, you think I'm cold. I don't think I'll ever be cold again, Ryuuzaki.

I've never commited a crime. Much less the torrent of murders you feel justified in accusing me of. But I'm going to be punished anyway. Every time I look at you and hope, for once, you'll look back at me the same way. Every time I have to pretend friendship when what I feel is so much more. Every time you eat or sleep or sit in that strange way or talk or breathe or just exist where I can see you. Thanks, Ryuuzaki, good phrase, I'll use it often. Cruel and unusual punishment.


	2. In My Dreams With You

_A/N: This owes something to Fumi Yoshinaga's excellent yaoi stories of pre- and revolutionary France – some of which I was reading in bed last night XD_

_And it's more humorous than the previous – slightly. I didn't intend this to be more than a one-shot but it just came to me while I was making breakfast XD _

_I don't know if the accents will appear on the letters – FFN seems to have trouble with some of my formatting – so if they don't, I'm sorry. There's a translation at the end for those who weren't subjected to French in school XD_

_The chapter title was inspired by the song by Steve Vai._

_DISCLAIMER: All that is mine is this story._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

In my dream you're still dressed in white. But it's white cambric and white brocade stitched with silver; my imagination has set us in some past time, some never-never land. Looks like France, I have no idea why. Your hair is still the same but mine is long, tied back, and these shoes I'm wearing, well, they're kind of girly, heels and everything. At the time it doesn't strike me as odd.

We're dancing. There's a ballroom full of men and women circling each other, bowing and spinning, towards and away. But we're outside on the balcony, surrounded by formal gardens, clipped hedges and orderly floral beds.

I took you there, picking you out from the crowd in which you looked as much out of place as a wildcat in a flock of doves. I stared into your eyes, grasped your hand and pulled you outside, not a word spoken. Your huge eyes widened even more and I expected protest but you came along with me, no doubt your curiosity getting the better of you.

On the balcony, where no one can see, I take you in my arms and we dance. Not the structured dance performed inside, but one of our own, you held by me, your body close to mine. We move faultlessly together, our heels clicking on the stone flags, no hesitation, no tripping. It's as if we always knew how to do this, as if we've just been waiting for the right partner.

Your face is close to mine, we're the same height exactly. I turn my head toward you, kiss your cheek. You lean back, looking at me in surprise, your eyes calculating, wondering.

"It's just a kiss," I say, the first words I've spoken to you.

"Is that all it is?" you ask.

"Maybe not," I confess and you laugh. I've never seen you laughing and it charms me, I'm fascinated by you, your reckless hair, your ice and snow skin, your huge dark eyes that look at me as if you see more than I want to show.

"Strawberry," you say, touching my hair. "What should I call you?"

"Light," I say, now I'm speaking English, what the fuck?

"Light," you say. "Lumière. Tu m'eclaires."

"Et toi?" I say, smiling. "Tu t'appelles comment?"

"Law," you say.

"Pretty," I say. It's a strange name but it suits you. I can't imagine you with an ordinary name.

"Kiss me again," you say, your pale skin stained pink.

I take your face in my hands, gently, you seem so fragile, and softly press my lips to yours. Then your arms are pulling me closer, your mouth moving on mine, your tongue licking at my lips. I moan as I open my mouth, giving in to you.

"Come home with me," I gasp when you release me.

"Je voudrais être avec toi," you agree.

We walk home together, the night dark and dangerous but I'm dangerous too and as for you – your frail exterior notwithstanding, I sense something wild within you that fears nothing the dismal streets have to offer.

I stir up the fire and watch you in the golden light as you undress for me, your shirt sliding off your shoulders, white on white. Then wrapped in white again, sliding between the sheets as I rip off my clothes, desperate for you now.

The feel of you in my arms is everything I could have wished for. You're cold, so am I, and we snuggle, hands everywhere, the feel of your skin all over me. I hold you, kiss you, our tongues twining around each other, your lips soft and warm on mine.

You pull away, breathless, your eyes glazed, half closed.

"Light," you murmur, "I've never – I've kissed. But not much more."

"Then you go first," I say, surrendering without a second thought. "Make love to me."

You smile at me, lean up on your elbow and your tongue goes to work on me. I moan and abandon myself to you, clutching at you as you drive my already aroused body to ecstasy, everything need and desire.

"Wait!" you say and leap from the bed, rushing around the room like some demented goblin, I'm torn between laughter and lust at your antics, you're so beautiful – and so strange – I wonder what it is you're looking for. You come back with a bottle of oil and smile at me meaningfully, making me blush and lower my head, I can't meet your gaze.

"Look at me, Light," you say. "Je veux voir tes beaux yeux."

"Your eyes," I say, glancing up at you. "Your eyes are beautiful too."

You laugh, then your hands are on me, opening me.

"Law, wait!" I say, I'm nervous now. "I also have never – I've done more than kissing but never this."

"Will it cause you pain, do you think?" your head is on one side, your finger at your lips, thinking about it.

"I hope not!" I say. "Just be careful. Slow."

"Slow," you repeat and get to work on me with the oil, your fingers at first uncomfortable, then wonderful. I groan as you prepare me, I realise that I want this, I don't just want to let you take me first out of kindness, I want to give myself to you.

"I'm ready!" I say, and you don't wait a second, leap on me as if I'm about to disappear if you don't do me right now.

You're so eager you hurt me, I try not to show it, but you notice. You hesitate, then continue, your movements more deliberate, gentler. I'm touched more than I can say by this, I can see in your face that the unfamiliar sensations are driving you crazy, that you want nothing more than to let yourself go, give yourself up to passion.

I relax as I become used to it, then start to like it and after a few minutes I can't get enough of it. I'm moaning at every thrust you make and when I look at you things just get worse, your eyes slitted, the harsh panting of your breath matched with mine, the little whimpers that escape your lips. I clutch at you, hard enough to bruise, dragging you into me, wanting more, wanting to be joined with you like this for ever.

"Ah, je t'aime!" I exclaim, writhing underneath you. "Je t'adore! Baises moi!"

You shudder at my words, then cry out as your need overwhelms you and you release into me, both of us sweating and moaning and gasping out words of love.

You are in my arms, lying on top of me, your skin hot and flushed, slick with sweat.

"Mon amant," I murmur to you. "Tu es très beau, mon petit minet."

"Kitten?" you say, with a laugh.

"Furry black kitten," I bury my face in your hair, I can't get enough of it, so soft and thick.

"Did you – " you begin.

"No, not yet," I say, shifting you slightly and taking your hand, moving it down to encircle me. "I want you. I want to be in you."

You don't speak and I wonder if I've offended you. If you only want to be the dominant one. Certainly, there's nothing submissive about you, but I wouldn't have said that about myself until now.

"What you said to me," you murmur, "about slow and careful? I'm saying it back to you."

"I would never hurt you," I whisper into your ear.

I slide out from under you, look at you where you lie, face down on my bed. I never saw anything so beautiful. I reach for the oil and push my knee between your legs, opening you, my fingers slippery, reaching for you, my arousal so intense that I – I feel – I want to – I have to –

I open my eyes to find you looking at me. Staring at me, that unnerving unblinking stare, one of your eyes blackened where I hit you. I wish I hadn't – the question arises in my mind, was I so desperate to touch you that I'd fight you just to feel some contact?

"What were you dreaming of, Yagami-kun?" you ask me.

"What?" I sit up, the wraiths and phantoms of my dream clinging to my thoughts, soft cobwebs of caress.

"You were having a dream," you say. "It looked – interesting."

"It was," I tell you. And then, because I'm so sick of you examining me as if I was nothing more than some kind of laboratory specimen, I continue, "I was dreaming about sex."

"Sex?" Finally an expression, amazement on your face. Better than disgust – are you surprised that I told you? Or that I would have such a dream? Maybe you're so repressed that thoughts like that, dreams like that, are no part of your life. Maybe you totally ignore your body and its needs.

"Yes, sex," I say, not bothering to make my tone pleasant. "I often dream about sex, Ryuuzaki. Get used to it. You're the one who decided you wanted to sleep with me."

"I have to wonder, Yagami-kun," you say, "Why a young man who has a girlfriend is dreaming about sex with men?"

"Men?" I can feel my face flushing. Can you read my mind?

"You were talking in your sleep, Yagami-kun. Speaking in French," you explain. "French words have gender. It was obvious that you were addressing a male person."

I just look at you. What can I say? "There was only _one_ man," I manage, then hate myself for apparently apologising for my dream-world indiscretions. "Besides, what's it got to do with you? I'll dream of who I like, if you don't want to hear it, let me go and I'll do my dreaming in my own bed at home!"

You don't say anything after my childish outburst, just look at me, head on one side. You look so adorable, pale and bruised –

"I'm sorry I hit you," I say.

"I am also sorry that I hit Raito-kun," you say.

"It was worse for me," I say. "At least you didn't get someone's foot in your face that'd been walking around the floor for ever, picking up God knows what!"

"Pain and a lack of hygiene," you agree. "Double whammy."

I burst out laughing at that and you smile. I've never seen you laugh, apart from in my dream. I decide I'd like to.

"Biological warfare," I say and am rewarded by a tiny chuckle. It's delicious. I want to – I realise I'm incredibly aroused, both from my dream and my proximity to you. I glance down at myself, wondering how I'm going to get out of bed without embarrassment.

"Would you like to be alone for a while?" you ask me.

"What?"

"Um, I thought perhaps I could go into the bathroom and you could stay here," you suggest, rather diffidently. "Or you could go into the bathroom and I could stay here."

Why don't we _both_ stay here, I think to myself and I'll show you – "Uh, thanks," I say. "I think I prefer the bathroom."

"Good. I prefer the bed," you say. "My disdain of personal hygiene extends to having no objection to sticky sheets."

After a moment, I become aware that I'm gaping at you, mouth open. I shut it quickly. You look extremely amused.

"Sharing one's bed with somebody uttering words of love and passion can have quite a stimulating effect, Raito-kun," you say. "And French is such a romantic language, n'est ce pas?"

"Oui, je suis d'accord," I say, absently, watching you unfastening the cuffs from our wrists. "You're letting me go in there alone?"

"Did you want me to – come with you?" you ask, your expression unreadable.

Yes, _yes!_ I think, wondering if that pause in your sentence was accidental. "No," I say. "Surely that would be embarrassing."

"I am rarely embarrassed," you murmur as I sidle past you crabwise on the bed, trying to keep my back to you, and feel a strange stinging sensation on my – behind? Did you slap my ass? What the hell has got you so playful?

I decide not to say anything about it, but I can feel I'm blushing furiously as I stand beside the bed, especially when your eyes stray to my midsection.

"Uh, I'll just go, then," I mumble.

"Enjoy," you say, your eyes innocent but something in them – I don't know what it is but it wasn't there before.

I go in the bathroom, get in the shower, hoping the sound of the water will cover up any noise I might make. I'm not in there long. The thought of you, in bed, doing exactly what I'm doing here, your hands on yourself, touching – it drives me over the edge and I lean back against the shower wall, wet and dripping, gasping at the images of you my mind is picturing for me.

I turn off the water, turn to go, then I stop, my arms wrapped around myself, finding no comfort. How can I want you so much? It's like madness – but it's also like coming home after being lost, it's like being whole, complete after spending my life with something missing. Is this love? It's not what I expected. And why do I feel it for you, of all people? You don't think of me as anything but your suspect. Even when you're friendly, you're always watching, waiting for me to slip, to admit something that I never can – because you're wrong about me. And when you finally realise that, you'll be gone and I'll never see you again.

I slide down the shower wall, wrapped in post-orgasmic grief, sobbing like a child. I never felt this – I never felt _anything_ as much as I feel this. It's agonising and I don't understand, I don't have the slightest comprehension of why everyone spends so much time seeking out this stabbing, hurting, awful feeling. Love is pain... I can't even blame you for this. You didn't set out to captivate me. You don't even know. And that's the worst part of it. You don't know.

"Ryuuzaki," I murmur, turning my face to the wall, my hand on the cold, wet tile, caressing it for comfort, just to touch something – just to not feel so alone, alone in this madness, only to be with you in my dreams.

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

_French Translation_

_Lumi__è__re. Tu m'eclaires. _

_Light. You light me – as in, uh, illuminate me? Make me light up? Hard one. XD_

_Et toi? Tu t'appelles comment?_

_And you? What's your name?_

_Je voudrais __ê__tre avec toi_

_I would like to be with you._

_Je veux voir tes yeux beaux_

_I want to see your beautiful eyes._

_je t'aime! Je t'adore! Baises moi!_

_I love you! I adore you! Fuck me!_

_Mon amant, tu es tr__è__s beau, mon petit minet._

_My lover, you are so beautiful, my little kitten XD_


	3. Blind Justice

_A/N: Well, the stuff just keeps on a comin... my one shot is now a repeater and I have yet another chapter almost finished._

_Thanks very much for the reviews – but please don't ask me about updates I'm writing this purely on instinct and don't even know where it's going, where it came from or how long it'll be XD_

_DISCLAIMER: Only the story is mine._

_Title inspiration – Blind Justice by The Business._

_**Burn, Burn, Burn the paper screamed out loud  
Die, Die, Die, sang the voices in the crowd  
Lock him up and throw him in a cell  
He didn't really do it and you know full well**_

He was a victim of inhuman revenge  
He was a scapegoat for political ends  
And no one knows if he did it or not  
They never thought of that when they tightend the knot

_**And when it was over where did you go  
To look at the photos of a dead hero  
**_

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

They're all dead.

As far as I can see, a long way from the top of this hill, they're dead.

Corpses stretch to the horizon, some fresh, lifelike colors, they could be sleeping. Some rotted to bones and everything in between. The stench is overpowering, nauseating.

I know it's not real, I know I'm dreaming. But it _is_ real. In some way – I don't want to know what way.

I turn away, clutching my sick stomach, but wherever I look it's the same. Death. Death in rows, death in piles, death in disgusting uncountable multitudes.

"I didn't," I murmur, but somewhere inside me there's a voice telling me I did. And I don't want to listen.

I hang my head, resting it on my hand, and my face is – my face is not my own. Bone. Hard, impenetrable, where is pretty Yagami Raito now? the voice asks me.

I don't want to touch my dead face any more and I take a step forward, planning to walk as long as it takes to leave this charnel field, when I see movement.

Someone's coming. In the distance, a white flare of clothing surrounds a human form. Someone alive! I hurry toward the approaching figure, tripping over outstretched limbs, kicking skulls before me, desperate to see a face that isn't livid, rigid, empty.

I pause as I reach a place where I can see you. You're dressed Samurai, loose white clothes flowing, your hair uncharacteristically constricted into a fluffy top-knot. But your face – white skin, those delicately curved lips I constantly fantasize doing the most inappropriate things to me – and over your eyes a blindfold, black leather shutting you away from the world.

How can you see to move so gracefully through this hell of discarded flesh? But you do – you approach me confidently, stepping over the corpses that lie in your way, your head moving as if you smell me out.

How can I fear you? I'm a God – you are nothing to me. But I do fear you and I almost turn away but where would I go? Where could I go where you wouldn't find me?

You reach down to your side, pull out the katana you have tied through your belt and make straight toward me.

I draw my own sword, confident, but as our blades meet I realise that your lack of vision makes no difference to your skill. Taken unawares, I find myself fighting for my life, steel lightning whipping around me, catching all of my blows, forcing me to parry defensively and step back.

You spin around to come at me again and I see the black symbol on your back, one archaically scripted letter.

"L!" I say, turning it into a curse.

"Justice," you tell me, breathlessly.

I gather all my concentration, determined to defeat you. You come in low, striking at my legs and I leap to the side, slashing at your face. The blindfold rips and falls, your enormous and strangely lovely eyes revealed.

"No!" you pause, step back. "No, I'm not meant to see you – "

I have no mercy, striking at your midsection as you waver. You scream as my sword pierces you, ripping you to pieces.

"I am justice, you imposter!" I yell at you, a voice inside me asking what have I done, what have I done?

"I didn't want to see you..." you murmur, falling to your knees in front of me as if you're praying, that seems ironic to me and I laugh, shutting out my second thoughts.

"You won't see anything again," I tell you, roughly, twisting the blade in your guts, watching you fall, watching your blood flow.

I kneel beside you and watch you die. It's slow but I have all the time in the world. Your eyes are fixed on mine until they finally close and I wait for the feeling of triumph that should be mine.

Instead I feel emptiness. I am hollow. But not for long as every pore, every crevice of my body suddenly explodes with grief and I fling myself down on top of you, crying out in pain, let me take it back, let me take it back... but there is no reply. I'm God and there is nobody to answer my prayers.

Your face is still there as I wake, but –

"You're alive!" I feel such relief –

"Why would I not be, Raito-kun?" you ask, a puzzled look on your face.

"They were all dead," I mutter, aware even through my night-terror that your hands are fluttering above me as if you want to touch but don't dare. Or maybe don't know how.

"Who?" you say, leaning forward.

"Everybody!" I say. "I didn't – " then I realise what I'm about to say and who I'm about to say it to and I stop. I can feel myself shuddering and I can't help myself, I reach up and grab you, burying my head in your chest.

I feel your hands come to rest on my back, hesitantly at first, then holding me more confidently. I hope to God you're not going to start with the whole Kira percentage thing, that would be too much.

"It was just a dream, Raito-kun," you say instead. "You've been thinking too much about death and murder. No wonder if you have such a dream."

"I suppose – " I say. But I don't believe myself. I feel – haunted. I feel there's something I should know about myself that I really don't want to. I feel, Ryuuzaki, as if you're right about me. It's horrific.

"You're shaking, Raito-kun," you murmur. "Come in the kitchen, let me make you some tea."

I nod and follow you into the kitchen, sit on a chair while you put the kettle on and rummage around in the fridge for cake.

I think about my dream. Over the past few nights I've dreamed of you in your strange French disguise. I don't know if I've said anything more in my sleep but if I did, you haven't mentioned it. Although you've given me some curiously knowing looks the mornings after. It's hard to wake up to your distant friendship with me when I spend my nights rolling around my bed locked in passion with you – but I wouldn't give it up. It's all I have.

Tonight was different. I didn't want to see you like that. If I was Kira – I don't want to think it, but I have to. If I was Kira, that's where it would lead. Your death. I have to admit it to myself. But I'm not Kira – and if I ever was, which you believe, I no longer have any awareness of it. I hope like hell there's no way that power can ever come back to me. Because if you were to die – what would I have to live for? Lost in my own miserable thoughts, I pay you no attention until I hear the gasp of pain.

I turn and see you clutching your arm, your sleeve steaming, boiling water pouring off the kitchen counter.

"I burned myself," you say, unnecessarily.

I jump up from my chair, grab your pyjama top and pull it over your head.

"What – " you seem about to resist.

"The wet cloth'll make it worse," I say. "Here, give me the key."

You just stare at me and I put my arms around you, my hands diving into your pockets, bringing out the handcuff key. I quickly take the cuff off your wrist and put my arm around you, pulling you over to the sink.

"Run it under the cold water," I say, turning on the tap. "I'll get the first aid kit."

I'm not going to trail the chain behind me to the bathroom so I unlock my cuff too and drop the whole works to the kitchen floor.

When I get back from the bathroom, you're still standing at the sink, your face pale – paler than usual – and you're shivering.

I sit you down and examine the burn, drying it carefully.

"Maybe you should see a doctor," I say. It looks bad, blistered.

"No, you fix it for me, Raito-kun," you say.

"How can you be so stupid," I mutter as I start to put a dressing on your arm. "You should have asked me to make the tea if you were too tired to do it. You didn't – "

I'm silenced by your fingers laid across my lips.

"It hurts, Raito," you say.

"I know," I say, staring into your eyes. "I mean, I can see that it does."

"So don't be angry with me."

I look down at what I'm doing, wondering what you mean by that. Does it also hurt you that I'm angry with you? I didn't think you'd care about that. You never give the impression that you care about anything much.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I'm worried about you."

"It makes you angry," you say.

"I suppose it does." I say, as I finish the dressing and inspect it for any flaws. "That doesn't make much sense, does it?"

"I'd prefer it if you expressed your concern some other way," you say, wearily. I look at you. Your face is always pale but now it looks almost transparent and your eyes seem glazed. You sway slightly on the chair.

"Damn!" I say and bend down, slipping one arm beneath your legs and the other round your back so I can pick you up. You give a little moan but don't protest, just rest your head against me as I carry you into the bedroom.

"Put your head down," I say as I place you gently on the bed.

"What's wrong with me?" you say, as you obey me. You're shivering violently.

"Shock," I say, pulling open a drawer and finding one of your baggy white sweatshirts. "Here, put this on, you're cold."

I draw the garment over your head and carefully roll the sleeve up around the elbow of your injured arm so it won't chafe.

"You're kind, Raito," you say, peering into my face. I'm glad to see you look a little more your normal color.

"You're my friend," I say. "Friends take care of one another when they're hurt." Why am I telling you something so obvious? But when I glance at you I see that look on your face, half abstracted, half calculating that means you're processing new information. I feel a harsh constriction round my diaphragm, actual physical pain at the thought that your life has never contained human contact enough for you to know these things. You're like a child and somehow or other I seem to have been placed in the role of your teacher.

I hurry back to the kitchen and finish making the tea, take it back to you. Your hands are shaking so much I have to help you hold the cup and I wonder again about calling a doctor or at least, Watari, but you refuse.

"Raito-kun is enough," you say and after a few minutes you seem a little calmer. I wrap you up in the covers and sit close to you while you drink your tea to keep you warm.

"I'm tired," you say, handing me the cup and lying down. I tuck you in and put off the light, getting into bed myself.

"Cold," you murmur.

"Come here," I say, putting my arms around you and pulling you close.

"My arm," you protest.

"Here, put it on me," I take your hand and put it on my chest. Then, for no reason I can name, I lift it again, bring it to my lips and kiss it.

"What are you doing, Raito-kun?" you ask, sleepily.

"I'm kissing it better," I say.

"I thought that was just something you tell children to make them think it's mended," you mumble. "Like a panacea. But it seems to work. Oh, Raito, we forgot the chain."

"You're a light sleeper," I say. "You'll notice if I go anywhere."

"Do you plan to hold me like this all night, Raito-kun?"

"Yes, why not?" I say, wondering how I'll get any sleep at all with you so close to me, touching me, your hair all over my face, your presence reminding me that you're not mine and never will be.

"Go to sleep now, Ryuuzaki," I say. "It won't hurt so much when you wake up."

Then I wonder if I'm trying to convince you. Or myself.


	4. By Any Other Name

_A/N: This is, uh, different to the others. But it kind of goes along with them, just a bit more chaotic XD_

_Reviews are always welcome! Especially since this whole story took me by surprise! XD_

_Quotes: The Last Rose of Summer by Thomas Moore and Darkness by Lord Byron_

_Story title: Quote from Romeo and Juliet – What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet_

_DISCLAIMER: Only the story is mine_

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

"Raito-kun, we are going out."

"What?" I look over at you.

"Come on," you're already on your feet, barely giving me time to turn off my computer before we're out the door.

You hurry me into the elevator, ignoring my requests for information. I can only presume you've got some kind of important lead on the case that demands your personal attention. And mine, since I'm chained to you.

Watari is waiting by the car and we get in, he sets off immediately leaving me thinking something really urgent must be going on. So why don't you tell me? How will I know how to behave when we get to – wherever we're going?

It's not like you to go out anywhere either. If we're going into some kind of risky situation, maybe coming face to face with the third Kira, you could be in danger. And how do I protect you from someone that can possibly kill you just by looking at you? I decide this isn't a good idea, I have to talk you out of it. Your life is too valuable to lose. And too precious...

"Ryuuzaki?" I say.

"We're here, Raito-kun!" you say, cheerfully. You don't look at all perturbed and I'm starting to wonder what the hell's going on.

We get out of the car and I look around. Houses, a park, it all seems very normal. Then Watari drives off and I turn to look at you but you're already heading toward the park.

"Why are we here, Ryuuzaki?" I ask as we walk through the gates.

"I noticed that your work output has decreased, Raito-kun," you say. "Also you spend long periods of time with your head in your hands and an unhappy expression on your face. I have concluded from this that you are feeling depressed."

"So why are we here?" I say again.

"It seemed to me that some fresh air and exercise would do you good," you say, stopping to stare at some flower beds.

"What, you're taking me for a walk?" I demand. "Now I'm your bitch?" I swear I meant to say puppy but it came out wrong and now I don't know where to look.

"Raito-kun may walk in front of me if he wishes," you say, the tiniest gleam of amusement in your eyes. "That way it will look as though I am the submissive party."

I just huff at you and walk away, letting you drag after me. And drag you do – when I turn around to see why you're being so slow I find you still staring at the flowers.

"You like them?" I ask.

"Yes, of course, Raito-kun, don't you? And these are different to the ones I'm used to seeing at home."

Wherever that is, I think. But you're not so far gone in floral adoration that you slip and tell me. Instead, you lead me around the flower beds, pointing out interesting specimens and telling me their names. Common and botanical. After half an hour I know a lot more about garden flowers than I did before.

"My obsession is boring you, Raito-kun," you say at last, giving me an apologetic look.

"No, it's interesting, really," I say, and it is, though not for the obvious reason. I'm just grateful to have you to myself for a while, away from work. And you're cute when you're enthusiastic, eyes lit up, hands flying everywhere.

"I just want to look at the roses," you say.

"Look at whatever you like, I don't mind at all," I tell you, but you don't seem convinced. I follow you to the rosebeds and absorb a whole new wealth of information until you finally stop by a bush full of big red ones and push your face into it, inhaling the scent.

"Rosa floribunda," you say. "I have a weakness for the Japanese rose, personally. Rosa multiflora. Although it's classed as an invasive weed. Don't tread on that!"

I stop and look down. One of the roses has broken off and is lying near my foot. I pick it up and hand it to you.

"Tis the last rose of summer," you murmur to yourself in English.

"Left blooming alone," I finish the line.

"All her lovely companions,"

"Are faded and gone."

"You like Thomas Moore?" you ask.

"Not much," I confess. "That one – but most of his stuff is too overwritten for me. I prefer Byron from that era."

You cast a little smile at me and quote, "Morn came, and went and came, and brought no day, and men forgot their passions in the dread of this desolation; and all hearts were chilled into a selfish prayer for light."

"Is this something to do with Kira?" I ask.

"Not at all," you say, continuing on around the flower beds, then turning to look as a couple walk past us, lovers by the look of it, clasped hands and exclusive looks.

"They're holding hands, Raito-kun," you remark.

"Yes, Ryuuzaki, it's what people do when they like each other," I say, my mind elsewhere, reasoning out the meaning of your quotation.

I become aware that the chain is dragging on me even more than usual and turn to see you winding the length of it around your arm.

"It's too long," you say. "You have some of it too, Raito-kun."

I wrap some of the chain in tight circles around my forearm, wondering why the hell I'm doing it.

"Why are we doing this?" I ask you.

"That's better," you say, as we come to the end of the available chain. Then you take my hand and set off toward the lake.

I should have expected that, I think, and it occurs to me that not too long ago I was so bored and frustrated and, yes, lonely, that the first tendrils of suicidal impulse had begun to twine their way around my mind. Now I'm walking in a park holding hands with the most eccentric man I've ever met, whose name I don't know, and to whom I've just given a flower. A red rose, of all things. And said man seems quite happy to alternate between being overly affectionate to me and wanting to have me imprisoned and put to death. Life has certainly become more interesting.

When we come to the lake, I sit down on a bench and stare at the water. Before becoming aware that you're doing something very odd. You've climbed onto the bench – onto the back of the bench – and you're walking along it, balancing carefully.

"Now you're a circus act, Ryuuzaki?" I say. As you pass behind me, I lean forward to give you room and grab the chain which is about to hit me in the face. Unfortunately, I pull it down and that's enough to unbalance you. With a cry of dismay, you come tumbling down, right onto my lap. The soft landing doesn't hurt you at all, but as for me –

"Ow!" I say, clutching at my groin. Or attempting to. You're sitting on it, so I get a handful of you instead.

"Oh, Raito-kun, I'm sorry!" you exclaim, shuffling off me and then, alarmingly, patting me gently on the injured place.

"Shall I look at it for you?" you say.

I'm speechless, I just gawk at you, uncomfortably aware that despite the pain, there's suddenly an awful lot to look at should I choose to show you.

"I – I don't think that's appropriate, Ryuuzaki," I manage. "S – someone might walk past."

"Perhaps we should go home," you say. "I could put some ice on it for you?"

I groan and bury my head in my hands, the image that conjures up too much for me to handle.

"I think it's still working, Raito-kun," you say from somewhere low down and I open my eyes to see you with your head only inches from my crotch, interestedly examining my all too visible erection.

"Yes, yes, it's fine," I say, hurriedly. "Ryuuzaki, sit up! Someone might think you're trying to blow me in the park!"

You sit up, put your head on one side and look at me thoughtfully.

"Oral sex," you finally say.

"What!" I'm feeling totally confused.

"That is what you're referring to, Raito-kun? Would that take the pain away?"

I try to speak but find I'm making some kind of strange growling sound instead.

"Raito-kun makes some very interesting noises when he is sexually aroused," you comment.

"How would you know?" I ask, standing up and then realising I can't walk around in this state. I do my best to pull my shirt down over it but that doesn't work..

"Because you _are_ aroused and you are making that noise," you say, looking at me as if you think I've just lost fifty IQ points. "And during the night, when Raito-kun is dreaming about sex, he makes similar sounds."

"Can we just stop talking about this, Ryuuzaki?" my tone sounds pleading to me but I don't care. "It's not going to go away if we keep discussing these kind of things."

"Raito-kun attended to my arm when it was burned," you say. "Now that I have inadvertently caused him an injury, I wish to do the same."

"It really is feeling a lot better, Ryuuzaki," I say. "And as you say, it's working, so no harm done."

"Now Raito-kun will need to visit the bathroom again," you say, still staring at my groin. "Perhaps this time I could – "

"Ryuuzaki!" I shout into your face. "Are you doing this on purpose?"

"I don't – "

"I can't believe_ anybody_ could be so naive, can't you see what you're doing to me?"

"I am merely offering to satisfy Raito-kun's sexual cravings," you say, almost primly. "Unless, of course, you wish for Misa to do that? But that could be embarrassing for all three of us, to have me watching you while you – "

"Aaargh!" I yell.

"Raito-kun is often angry with me," you state calmly. "This is one of the reasons I think he is Kira – "

I grab you by your shoulders and give you a little shake, I'm beside myself, teased beyond endurance. "I'm not Kira," I hiss at you. "I'm horny!"

"Which is why I offered to alleviate the problem for you," you say. I can see there's going to be no stopping you so I just stand there, resigned to displaying my arousal to anyone who cares to look and wait for you to say what's on your mind.

"I suggested Misa because she is your girlfriend," you continue. "It seemed the right thing to do. But you display no obvious interest in her at all, Raito-kun – "

"That's because I _have_ no interest in her," I say. "I don't even like encouraging her to believe she has a chance with me. I only do it because of the sulking and screaming and general hell we'd all have to go through if I didn't. And because she could compromise the investigation if she didn't have an interest in keeping quiet about it, to please me."

"This is the conclusion I have also come to," you say. "And since Raito-kun seems to have an extremely erotic dream liaison with some French man, I am assuming he is gay and would prefer to have his needs ministered to by a male person. Unfortunately, I am not able to provide him with someone more attractive, but, since we are friends – "

"There is no one more – I mean, you're not – you are attractive, Ryuuzaki," I say, incoherently. "But this isn't something that friends do, it's something that lovers do."

"But you don't have one of those, Raito-kun."

"No," I say, sitting down again. "I don't." And that thought causes my rampant erection to start shrinking away.

You sit down beside me, drawing your legs up, hugging them. I thought that was peculiar at first but now, God help me, it's the cutest thing I ever saw. Out of the corner of my eye I see your thumb straying to your lips and that reminds me of what you offered to do for me and damn, once again my pants are too tight what the hell am I going to do?

"What is he like?" you ask.

"What? Who?"

"The man in your dream, what is he like?"

"Uh – French?" I say, not sure what you're asking me. Or why.

"That covers a lot of ground, Raito-kun," you turn to me, an inquisitive look on your face. "What does he look like? What is it that makes him attractive to you? Is he – pretty?"

I'm good at reading your expressions by now. No one else has a clue what you're thinking but I've spent so long watching you, hating you, loving you – hating you? Where did that come from? I don't think I ever did that – I dismiss the thought and examine your face carefully. I don't see anything there that suggests you're playing me, but like I said, nobody can be as naive as you seem to be. Maybe it's time I did a little teasing of my own.

"He's not pretty. He's gorgeous," I say deliberately, leaning toward you. "Beautiful soft hair like black swan's feathers, huge dark eyes that see right through me to my soul, pale skin the color of new snow that blushes pink like morning when I touch him."

"Uhhh!" you say, leaning against the back of the bench and yes! Blushing like damn morning, now I've got you!

"And when he's in my bed," I go on, ignoring the state these thoughts are putting me into and concentrating only on engendering the same in you, "Tangled up in my sheets, his head on my pillow, Ryuuzaki, sweating and moaning and begging for me, I never saw anything in my life so beautiful."

"Raito, I had no idea you were so poetic," you murmur breathlessly.

"I love to feel his mouth on me," I continue your punishment, close to you, our noses almost touching. "I want his mouth all over me. Licking and kissing and teasing me, because teasing, Ryuuzaki, seems to be something he's exceptionally good at."

"Teasing," you repeat, your mouth hanging half open, your breathing rapid, staring into my eyes as if you're fascinated.

"I like to be _in_ his mouth," I elaborate, watching you fidget beneath me. "All wrapped up in it, wet and warm and wanting me. Taking me. And when we're done, he's sweet and affectionate and he kisses me."

"Kiss?" you whimper.

"Kiss," I say and I'm close enough to you to do it and how much I want to!

"And is there, uh," you hesitate, "Penetration?"

"Plenty of penetration," I say, sitting up and moving away from you before I do something I'll regret.

"So it's you," you've followed me, staring into my eyes, some kind of almost hungry expression in them. "You do that – to him?"

"No, not always," I say, I seem to have given you the wrong impression. "We both do it."

You look surprised. "I wouldn't have thought Raito-kun would submit himself like that."

"My lover isn't some kind of little kawaii Hello Kitty guy," I tell you. "He's quite a dominant kind of character. I wouldn't expect him not to want me that way. Besides, what does it matter? It's not real."

"But it must be what you want, Raito-kun," you say, all pressed up close against me so I can't think straight. "To dream this so often and when you talk about it to be so passionate."

"I suppose so," I say, looking down at myself and my embarrassment. "Are we done with your bedtime story now? I think I'd like to go home."

"Bedtime story?" your eyes light up and I curse myself, why did I put _that_ into your head?

"No!" I say, before you can ask.

"But I like to hear about it, Raito-kun," you say. "I've never done those things myself and it's interesting. And you have wonderful powers of description, it's a pleasure to listen to you."

"Yes, but, Ryuuzaki – " I really don't know what to say to you. You tell me so innocently that you're a virgin and then practically invite me to seduce you – It's my own fault for wanting my revenge on you for teasing me. But now I realise that you were never teasing me at all. You seem so sophisticated and adult in many ways, but not this. You simply have the emotional awareness of a five year old and no idea at all what effect you might be having on me. And I'd hate myself if I took advantage of that.

You stand up and lift up your sweatshirt, revealing your pale, toned stomach. _What now! _ I think, watching as you pull the shirt over your head.

"Ryuuzaki – " I protest.

"You can wear this, Raito-kun," you say, kindly. "It's longer than yours and will cover up the unseemly bulging of your – of you."

"Uh, thanks," I say, noting that you don't seem to be rapidly able to find any name for someone's penis. Or maybe just don't like to say whatever ones you do know.

It takes us a few moments to exchange clothes with the handcuffs having to be unlocked and by the time we're dressed again I've calmed down a little.

"I thought the park might make you happy, Raito-kun," you say as we walk back toward the gates.

"Hmm?" I come out of my thoughts to see you looking at me rather miserably. "I am happy, Ryuuzaki, thank you."

"No you're not, Raito-kun, don't lie to me," you say. "I know it's difficult for you. The case – the work – the suspicions – "

"You don't have to suspect me," I say. "You choose to."

"I have to, when the evidence suggests that my suspicions are correct," you say. "But leaving that aside, being in a constant state of sexual frustration must add to your discomfort considerably."

"Ryuuzaki, can you talk about anything but sex today?" I ask.

"It's on my mind," you admit. "The dreams you have – the sounds you make – "

"Then sleep in a different bed and just chain me to mine at night!" I snap at you.

"I thought my idea sounded more pleasing, Raito-kun," you say. "We could turn out the lights so you don't have to look at me – "

"What the hell is wrong with you!" I stop and stare at you. "Why wouldn't I want to look at you?"

"I'm not attractive like the man you dream about," you say.

"Don't be so stupid!" I say. "Look in a damn mirror sometime! Anyway, you're my friend. I'm supposed to take care of you, not treat you like a convenience."

"Even if I want you to?"

"Yes, even then, Ryuuzaki, how do you think I'd like it, knowing all the time you were just being kind to me and not enjoying it?"

"Raito-kun," with mischief in your eyes, "Are you saying that your bedroom skills are substandard?"

"I've never had any complaints!" I say, annoyed at the suggestion.

"Then why would I not enjoy being with you?"

"Watari's here!" I say, watching the car draw up to the gates with the greatest sense of relief I ever felt in my life.

We climb into the car, Watari glancing at us and then looking again as he realises we're wearing each other's clothes. Neither of us say anything and he seems to decide to embrace discretion and doesn't ask.

I lean back and close my eyes, feeling somewhat traumatized, wondering how a quiet walk in the park got so out of control.

Then I open my eyes in alarm as I feel something soft and damp brush my cheek.

"What?" I turn to you, seeing you sinking back into your seat.

"I'm kissing you better, Raito-kun," you say. Then your eyes roam down my body. "Unless you'd rather I – "

"No, I'm good, it's better," I say, hastily and sit up. No rest for me. God knows what you'll get up to if I don't keep an eye on you.


	5. Watching The Detective

_A/N: You think you're alone until you realise you're in it. Now fear is here to stay. Love is here for a visit._

_Quote and title from Watching the Detectives by Elvis Costello._

_I realise that the Tai Chi form Joining Heaven and Earth has other names. This is just what I learned it as :)_

_Bath notes – it's normal in Japan to shower before you get in the bath, so you're not soaking in your own dirt. People take communal baths, families often bathe together or friends. _

_Hey, Bath Note! You write someone's name in the Bath Note and they immediately head for the nearest large body of water and drown themselves! Okaaay... I'll stop now... XD_

_DISCLAIMER: Only this story is mine._

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I wake up alone. Where are you? I'm chained to something but it's not you. It turns out to be the bed. I get up, wondering if you're taking a shower but I don't hear any running water or other bathroom noises.

This is a problem. But I'm not a genius for nothing. I can see your pyjama pants lying on the floor where you threw them off. You're not much for folding and neatness.

I slide off the bed, pulling the chain to its furthest extension. Reach my legs out. I wish I had your damn prehensile toes as I grab the edge of your pants between my feet. Slowly I pull them toward me, get a better grip and flip them up onto my body. The handcuff key falls out of the pocket onto the floor. Shit!

I turn around so I'm lying sideways on the very edge of the bed. Reach out my free hand. Not quite – I stretch a little further, yes! I grab the key and fall off the bed, God damn it, I think I dislocated my shoulder!

Clutching the key, I climb back up the chain like a monkey and finally manage to unlock myself from the bed. Rubbing my sore shoulder I go over to the bedroom door and open it a crack. 

Are you dancing? I watch you, fascinated, then I realise you're doing Tai Chi. Dressed only in a pair of baggy pants, progressing through the stylised sequence so gracefully – anyone seeing you in your normal sloppy posture would never believe you capable of such a poem of movement.

I sigh and sink down reverently into seiza in the doorway. I know you've seen me when you turn at one end of the room and begin moving back toward me. There's the slightest hesitation in your sweeping arm, the step you make is short and has to be extended. Then you continue, ignoring me. I smile to myself, pleased that you don't feel embarrassed by my observation.

Eventually you finish and come over to me.

"I thought you were still asleep," you say.

"You didn't have to chain me to the bed," I say. "Where could I go?"

You shrug. "Habit. Seems you got yourself free anyway."

"Will you teach me that?" I say. 

"Lock picking?"

"Tai Chi."

"It'd probably do you good," you say. "It's very calming."

"You think I need calming?" I say, following you over to the centre of the room.

"You have a terrible temper, Raito-kun, so yes, I think you do."

"I don't think I have a terrible temper!" I say, annoyed.

You don't say anything. Just stand there, looking at me.

"Okay, maybe I do," I finally admit.

"Intelligence is of little use without insight and awareness, Raito-kun," you say. "Come here. The first form is called Joining Heaven and Earth..."

I can see why, as you touch me, moving my arms into position. Although I might have called it Bringing Heaven to Earth.

You show me the first few moves of the sequence then have me practise while you disappear for a few moments. 

"Elbows should be lower," you say on your return. "We need to get ready for work now, Raito-kun."

I follow you into the bathroom, wondering when you're going to put the chain back on me. I'm surprised to see there's water in the bath.

"Are you having a bath?" I ask.

"I'm tired of just showers, Raito-kun, aren't you?" you say. "I know how important the bath is to Japanese people, I thought you'd like it."

"Thank you, L-sensei," I say.

"You're welcome, Kira-sama," you say, with a little smile.

"I'm not Kira," I say, but I'm not angry. You have to try, I suppose. It's what you do.

"The evidence suggests otherwise, Raito-kun," you say as you go into the shower, turn on the water. "Why don't you join me? It'll save time."

"Is there room?" I wonder, but it turns out there is. Only just – there's touching and elbowing and I start to wish I'd waited.

"If I was Kira," I say, to take my mind off the fact that as you reach for the shower gel your butt brushes against my thigh, "you wouldn't have offered to have sex with me yesterday." Of course, I realise at once that isn't really taking my mind off anything.

"I was thinking of you merely as Yagami Raito at that time," you say.

"If I'm Kira, there's no difference."

"There is a difference," you say, turning to look at me, water dripping off your hair and running down your – I shudder, watching its track. I wish my fingers were those streams of water.

"I'm only myself, no matter what I am," I say, not quite sure what I'm saying. "Anyway, don't you think Kira would have accepted your offer? Don't you think he would have wanted that kind of power over you?"

"Power, Raito-kun?" you look up at me questioningly from where you're bent over washing regions of yourself I don't even want to think about. Except that I really, really do want to think about them, damn!

"Sexual power," I mutter. "Domination. Possession."

"Is that how you see sex, Raito?"

"No!" I say, feeling suddenly defensive. "I'm suggesting that Kira would see it that way. He wouldn't want to love you, he'd want to own you."

"Do not all lovers own each other in some sense, Raito?" 

Again with the dropped honorific I think, what's that about?

"In a sense," I say. "But not – I mean, a person isn't a thing that you can treat however you want. And I feel that someone like Kira, who kills anybody he feels like killing, has no respect for other people. He'd treat you like a, like a – "

"Sex object?"

"Yes. Or a slave."

"No, he wouldn't, Raito-kun," you say, straightening up, reminding me that we're the same height. "I wouldn't allow it."

"But – "

"And besides, I did not offer to give sexual gratification to Kira," you say. "I offered it to you."

"But you think I'm Kira!" you're confusing me. You're the only person I've ever met who can do that, it's so irritating. And so challenging. I glare at you. "I don't believe you, anyway."

"Why not?" you ask, smiling at me again.

"I remember what you asked me to do with Misa," I say, slowly. I've been thinking about this and you may as well know my conclusions. "You asked me to get close to her, to find out if she knew any more about Kira than she was saying."

"Indeed, that's what I did, Raito-kun," you say, your hands in your hair, a mass of bubbles, so sweet – I force my mind back to what I'm saying.

"So what I think is," I say, "That you're trying to do the same thing with me. You think if you seduce me, I'll tell you I'm Kira."

"Will you?"

"No, because I'm not," I snap at you. "I can't tell you something that isn't true!"

"Raito-kun, are you saying you've never told me anything that isn't true?" you look at me, your head on one side and I want to kiss you. Alternatively, I want to slap you, you annoying bastard!

"I'm saying me being Kira isn't true," I say. "That's all. And I'm saying you're trying to play me. To get me to – to like you. So I'll tell you things."

You raise your eyebrows at me, walk out of the shower and get into the bath.

"I thought you already liked me, Raito-kun," you say. "Aren't we friends? Doesn't that imply that we like one another?"

"Yes, of course, Ryuuzaki," I say, following you, sinking into the warm water with a sigh. "But I mean, you want me to _like_ you. More than a friend would like you."

"Oh, you think I want you to _love_ me?" you look at me so innocently and I feel like shoving your head under the water and drowning you.

"You are L," I say. "And all L has on his mind is capturing Kira. I wouldn't be surprised at anything you'd do to achieve that."

"Even prostituting myself to you, offering you sex in exchange for information?" you don't look too pleased all of a sudden. "You really think that's what I'd do, Raito?"

"I don't know," I temporize. "Maybe. I have to think it, Ryuuzaki, when you suddenly hit on me out of the blue. I didn't think it yesterday – I thought you were sincere – but now I feel that all that innocence and friendliness is an act."

"Because I am L and L would do anything to get what he wants." you say.

"Um... yes."

"You really have no conception at all of human nature, do you, Raito." I glance at you and see you're looking severely pissed. Damn, there goes the relaxing bath.

"I don't know what you mean, Ryuuzaki," I say.

"All you can see," you say, "Is that there's either L, the monstrously egotistical detective who will stop at nothing to achieve success. Or that there's L who cares for you and wants to please you and, and pleasure you. Despite a lack of, um, experience in such matters. Or that there's your friend, Ryuuzaki, whom you supposedly like. Doesn't it ever occur to you that I could be _all_ of those things?"

"What?" I stare at you, I know I have a completely dumb look on my face, I can feel it there. It's unfamiliar. 

"People are complex, Raito-kun," you say. "And not just people like us. Everyone contains within themselves the potential to _be_ anything. To _do_ anything. You don't know what someone will do until you put them in a situation where they feel their only recourse is to do something that they normally wouldn't consider."

"I – uh, I don't understand you," I confess.

"I know you don't," you sigh and close your eyes. "I wish you did."

I don't know what to say to you. This has never happened to me before, this total lack of comprehension. I look at you lying there in the water, head back, feet up on the edge of the bath near my head, and I wonder how I can love you so much if I don't understand you at all. And you just seem to accept that I don't.

Do you think I'm not capable of understanding you, is that it? You're wrong. Yagami Raito is quite capable of understanding _anything!_ I'll show you – but not now. It seems like a contentious subject and we're in the bath and I don't want to spoil it. And there's something not right about this bath, I just noticed out of the corner of my eye – 

"Ryuuzaki!" I'm appalled. "Look at your feet! Didn't you _wash_ them?"

"Of course I washed them, Raito-kun," you say, opening one eye. "I was in the shower, you saw me."

"But they're _filthy!"_ I stand up and get out of the bath, go fetch a sponge and some soap.

"What are you doing, Raito-kun?" you're sitting up now, looking at me nervously.

"Cleaning your damn disgusting feet, Ryuuzaki," I say, getting back into the bath. "I'm not sitting here with all that dirt in my face!"

I grab one of your legs and haul your foot out of the water. You're watching me but you don't object. Until I start washing.

I nearly drop your foot as you squeal loudly and start to thrash around, sending water flying over the side of the bath.

"Stop!" you yell. "Raito! _No!"_

"What's wrong?" I ask you. "Does it hurt?"

"No! Yes! I don't know!"

I look at you, then run one finger lightly down the centre of your foot. More screaming and writhing.

"You're ticklish, that's all," I say, getting on with cleaning up your grime-encrusted foot. "Hasn't anyone ever tickled you before?"

"NO!" you shout, piteously. "And I don't want you to do it _now!"_

"You'll get used to it," I say, refusing to let go no matter how much you fight.

The noise is horrendous, I almost feel sorry for you. I'm laughing myself by the time I'm done and you have tears streaming down your face.

"That is not an experience I want to repeat, Raito-kun!" you say, staring at me indignantly from your end of the bath, your hair all standing on end.

"Wash them yourself, next time," I suggest.

"I will!" you agree, fervently. "So that's tickling? I thought it was supposed to be pleasurable!"

"It contains elements of both pleasure and pain," I say and suddenly it's lightbulb time and I start to understand at least a little of what you were saying to me. "Much like yourself."

You smile at me. "But I haven't given you pleasure, Raito-kun."

"Your presence alone does that, Ryuuzaki," I say and watch your face start to flush. Maybe I understand you better than you think.

You don't speak, but your hand is under the water, groping around, finding my foot – 

"I don't have ticklish feet," I tell you as you frustratedly try to torture me.

"How about the rest of you, Raito-kun?" you ask, a wicked look in your eyes. "Is there somewhere – "

I want to say no, but after the conversation we've just had I don't feel like lying to you, not even about such a small thing. Besides, it's too easy to disprove such a lie.

"Maybe," I say.

"Where is it?"

"I'm not telling you that," I say.

"Then I'll just have to find it for myself!" as you leap on me. A huge splash of water rises into the air and then I'm fighting for my – well, not my life but my sanity, I have places on my body that are extremely ticklish and oh my God, you're finding them all! I slide my hands down your sides, poking, retaliating – we're both yelling and screaming and – 

"Ryuuzaki!"

We stop tickling and turn to look at the doorway.

"Ryuuzaki," repeats Watari. "Are you – are you all right?"

I can feel my eyes bugging out as I realise what he's seeing. Both of us entangled in the bath, arms round each other, you straddling my hips, dear God, what must he think!

"We're fine, Watari, thank you," you say as if you're not sitting astride me like – no, don't think that, Raito! "We're just playing," you say.

"I'm glad to hear it," says Watari, looking more than a little bemused. "The investigation team were wondering why you were so late arriving today. I called but you didn't answer your phone."

"We probably didn't hear it through all the screaming, Watari," you say.

I roll my eyes at you but you don't notice and now I'm becoming uncomfortably aware of exactly where you're sitting and what it's doing to me.

"We should get dressed and go to work," I say and my voice sounds hoarse and husky. Watari looks at me and I know he doesn't believe the playing explanation. Damn you, Ryuuzaki, you out me and it's for nothing!

"I'll tell them you're on your way," Watari says and leaves quite hurriedly.

"Couldn't hear it for all the screaming?" I say as we rapidly leave the bath, grabbing towels and searching for clothes.

"It was true, Raito-kun," you say. "First I was screaming, then you were, then we both were, no wonder if we didn't hear the phone."

"Yes, but Ryuuzaki," I say, "Watari – I mean, he probably thought – it didn't look as if we were... I mean it did look, well, not very innocent!"

"You think he might have imagined we were having sex in the bath, Raito?" you peer at me interestedly.

"I think it's quite likely," I say.

"Does it matter?"

"What?" I stare at you. "You want people to think we're doing that?"

"I don't mind about it," you say. "Although it's not true. If it were true, I wouldn't mind about it either. Do you think I'd be ashamed of you, Raito-kun? Of being with someone that would make everyone jealous of me?"

"Everyone jealous?" I repeat.

"Of course," you say. "I don't imagine you're unaware of how beautiful you are, Raito-kun."

"But – you're the world's best detective, Ryuuzaki," I say. "Surely people would be more jealous of me! And you've got more money than God and you – you – " I can't say what I want, which is that you're so lovely it sometimes hurts me to look at you, so I fall silent.

"I don't really think those things matter, Raito-kun," you say. "Shall we go?"

You put the handcuffs back on us and we travel silently down in the elevator. I have a lot to think about. Your behaviour yesterday in the park. How you were this morning in the bath. The fact that I know you're waiting for me to trip up and confess to you that I'm Kira. Or waiting for one more piece of evidence that confirms your belief. 

You'd like to see me dead, that I'm sure of. You said it yourself, you wanted to send Kira to death row. And you think I'm Kira. So how can you tease me and flirt with me and pretend to be my friend? You say it's possible that you can do all these things, mean all these things but I can't see how you can. No, I don't understand and I don't think it's true. 

All I see when I look at you, hurrying over to your desk and ignoring the questioning looks of the team, is a stone-hearted predator hiding behind a mask of friendship. You don't care for me. If you did – how could you care for me when you think I'm a murderer? It's just not possible. So it has to be a lie.

I go to sit at my desk, turn on my computer and start work, not looking at you, not thinking of you, definitely not thinking about you in the bath with me, naked, sitting on me, lying on me, your legs wrapped around me, warm and enclosing, wriggling and laughing all over me, your hips moving against my – and holy hell! Here I am thinking about you again!

"I've got the mail," Matsuda's saying behind me. "Oh, Yagami-kun, these are for you!"

"What?" I turn around. "What! Those are for me?"

Matsuda hands me a bouquet of red roses. "It has your name on it, Yagami-kun."

I take the flowers and look at them. There's a card on the outside with my name on it, Yagami Raito. And another one inside – I fish around amongst the stems, getting a scratch from the thorns and pull it out.

"Misa Misa must have sent you them, Yagami-kun!" Matsuda says, excitedly.

"Hmm?" I say, reading. "I don't think so. I don't suspect Misa of writing haiku in her spare time."

I read it again.

_**Strawberry fire**_

_**Surrounds you. Teacher, student,**_

_**Light up my darkness.**_

I smile. Glance across at you, you're typing busily, oblivious. Or you'd like me to think so. I know damn well if you didn't know who sent it you'd be speculating along with everybody else.

"Ryuuzaki?" I say.

You look across at me, innocence personified.

"Yes, Raito-kun?"

I just wave the bouquet at you and raise an eyebrow.

You make a little gesture with your hand, indicating the place on your desk where a small vase stands, containing the rose I gave you in the park.

"I'm sure this is not the first time Raito-kun has had poetry directed at him," you say, dismissively.

I scoot my chair across to sit next to you.

"This is the best," I say.

"It was difficult," you say. "I wanted to put chocolate in it but did you notice, Raito-kun, people have at least two distinct ways of pronouncing that word? It makes it hard to determine whether it is actually two syllables or three. And – "

I lay my fingers across your lips the way you did to me in the kitchen.

"Thank you," I say.

"The last line was going to be Light _in _ the darkness," you say. "But as you know, I lived in England for some time – I seem to have picked up the English habit of finding the double entendre irresistible."

I read the last line again. Burst out laughing.

"Ryuuzaki, you're not so innocent as you want me to believe!"

"I have plenty of theoretical knowledge, Raito-kun," you say. "Unfortunately, I have never had the opportunity to test its practical application."

"Well you're not testing it on me," I say. "So stop hinting."

"Who would it harm, Raito-kun?" you look at me, head on one side, adorable.

"Everybody," I say. "But thank you."

And I go back to my own desk, start working and ignore you for the rest of the morning. 

And ignore these roses that Matsuda put in a vase for me. No roses. No false hopes.


	6. Cold Fire

A/N: Okay, I changed the rating to M, didn't think I could really get away with T any more XD

_Title and quote from The Prettiest Star by Bowie._

_**Cold fire, you've got everything but cold fire, **_

_**you will be my rest and peace, child, **_

_**I moved up to take a place near you.**_

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

"Is it cold in here?" I ask you, as we finish dinner. Which you cooked. And surprisingly well for a man who seems to live on nothing but confectionery.

"Surely Raito-kun can judge the temperature for himself?" you say.

"I might be ill," I say. 

"No, you're not ill," you smile at me. "There's something wrong with the heating. I have Watari attempting to contact someone to come and fix it."

"Have you got a sweater or something, Ryuuzaki?" If I'm feeling cold, you must be in a worse state, you're so thin.

"I thought Raito-kun was angry with me," you say. 

"What has that got to do with anything?" I ask you.

"If you are angry with me, why should you be concerned if I feel the cold?"

"Stupid Ryuuzaki!" I burst out, surprising myself and apparently you too. "What's the matter with you? We're friends, at least, I'm your friend! Just because we have a disagreement, it doesn't mean I don't care about you!"

"I don't know that Raito-kun is my friend," you say, thoughtfully. You seem about to go on, but I've had enough and get up from the table.

"I'm not your fucking friend?" I yell at you. "You're the one who's not anybody's friend! You lie to me and play with my feelings for you and give me damn roses and none of it means anything!" I bang on the table with my fist, making all the plates rattle.

"Please don't smash the crockery, Raito-kun," you say, looking slightly alarmed.

"_Fuck _ the fucking crockery!" I yell and pick up a plate.

You duck as if you expect me to throw it at you but I fling it into the kitchen instead, where it smashes noisily on the floor. I feel so much better after that, I throw another one.

"Raito – " you say, peering out from under the table.

"Shut up!" I say, thinking about breaking the rest of the plates but the inclination seems to have worn off so I sit down instead. I'd like to storm out of the room but I can't without dragging you along with me. Which would remove a lot of the point of doing it.

You get up rather cautiously and stand by the table, looking down at me. Neither of us says anything for some time. I'm calming down and now I feel as if I made a fool of myself. Which is making me angry all over again. I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me, I seem to spend half my time giving in to emotional outbursts. Am I mad or something? 

"Are you feeling better now, Raito?" you ask.

"No." I say.

"Can I do anything to help you?"

"No."

"Are you sure? Some tea? A massage? Dessert?"

"Dessert?" I look up at you.

"It's not cake," you assure me. "It has fruit in it."

"Massage?" I catch up with what you said.

"It's soothing when you feel stressed," you say.

"Stressed?" I wonder. "Is that what I am?"

"It certainly appears that way, Raito-kun. You seem to spend a great deal of time looking tired and depressed and you lose emotional control at regular intervals."

"I don't care," I say, aware that I sound like a sulky brat, but I don't care about that either.

You sigh and move around to the back of me. I feel your hands on my shoulders. I think I should shrug you off, but I don't. Damn it, I'd let you do anything you want with me, why are you so stupid? Don't you know you don't have to _ask_ me for anything? Just take it, already, and then I don't have to go through the charade of saying no!

I'm disgusted when I realise what I'm thinking. Of course you won't do that. It'd be – uncivilized. And I wouldn't encourage you to – wait a minute, maybe I will encourage you! At least then, I can find out if you really want to or if you're only trying to be kind to me. 

That doesn't help me with whether you're trying to seduce me to find out if I'm Kira or not but right now I really don't care about that. You can't find out something that isn't true, and what you said about prostituting yourself – it sounded as though you were really offended. So perhaps that _isn't_ what you're doing. I don't know, you're so confusing I have no idea what's going on. And that's not normal either.

I've been thinking so furiously that I hardly noticed your hands on me but now I concentrate on the feeling. Your fingers sinking into the muscles of my shoulders, kneading them, relaxing me. I sigh and lean back against you. Oh God, I'm touching you. You're touching me. I'm definitely going insane, just the feel of you through two sets of clothing is getting me hard, I hope you won't notice_ that!_

"Raito-kun likes this," you murmur.

"Mmm," I say.

"He feels less aggressive."

"I'm not aggressive."

"My plates say otherwise."

"Damn!" I shake you off and stand up. Go to the door, dragging you behind me and slip on my shoes. Walk over to the kitchen.

"What are you doing, Raito-kun?" you ask me.

"Cleaning up this mess I made," I say, looking in the closet for a brush. "You stay out of here, you've got bare feet."

"As Raito-kun wishes," you say, agreeably.

"I'm sorry about your plates," I say as I sweep the sticky shards from the floor.

"I can buy new ones," you say. "And at least we had finished eating, so no dinner was wasted."

"Why did you cook dinner anyway, Ryuuzaki?" I ask.

"I have poor eating habits at the moment," you say. "And it is bad for Raito-kun to exist on take-out."

"You did it for me?" I look up at you, standing in the doorway, watching me.

"You are my responsibility, Raito-kun, therefore it is necessary for me to look after your wellbeing."

I sigh and tip the broken plates into the trash. What kind of answer is that? You're so cold sometimes.

"Is this going to be a regular thing, Ryuuzaki?" I turn back to you. "This cooking?"

"If Raito-kun can restrain himself from breaking all the dinnerware, I will cook," you say. "The smashing sound unfortunately suggests the ambience of a particularly obnoxious Greek restaurant."

I start to laugh at that, I can't help it. 

"At least Raito-kun restricted his violence to the crockery this time," you go on. "and did not make a further assault upon my person."

"God, you're so annoying!" I say, not laughing any more. "Why did you have to bring that up?"

"Because it happened," you say, and I see how poised you are, how ready. Are you expecting me to hit you again? Is that it? It was days ago now, are you still brooding about it?

"And what do you want me to do about it?" I ask.

"Nothing, Raito-kun," you say. "I merely find it interesting that you would apologise for murdering my plates more readily than for hitting me in the face without provocation."

"You provoked me!" I say, angrily. "You and your insistence that I'm Kira provoke me constantly! Have you any idea what it's like, knowing that you've done nothing wrong and yet the one person you want – "

I stop there in a hurry, what the hell was I going to say?

"You want me to believe you?" you say.

"Yes, that was it," I agree, hurriedly. I turn away from you, fastening up the top button of my shirt. It's so cold in here now, I'm shivering.

"I do believe you," you say. "As you know, I am quite sure that you are not Kira now. But you were and that is what _you_ do not believe, Raito-kun."

"Of course I don't believe it," I say, going back over to the table and sitting down, my head in my hands. "If I did all that, I'd know! Don't you think I'd know? Wouldn't you know if you'd killed all those people? Wouldn't you have some idea that there was something wrong?"

"There are things wrong," you say. "Memory lapses. Sequences of events that make no sense. I'm sure if you confided in me about your activities during the time you were Kira – "

"I wasn't!"

" – then we could work out exactly what happened."

"And you would have enough evidence to arrest me?" I say, lifting my head and looking into your eyes. "Is that what you want? To be rid of me?"

"Raito-kun is being overly melodramatic," you say. 

"It's my life we're talking about, I don't think – I'm not melodramatic."

"Sometimes you are," you smile at me. I don't return it.

"You can't expect me to trust you," I say. "Or confide in you. You lie to me. You lied about being my friend, you lie about everything."

"Raito-kun also lies when it is to his advantage to do so," you say. "Which seems to be a large part of the time."

"Bitch!" I burst out.

Your eyes widen. Then you start to laugh. It's so – it's so damned attractive, I can't help but join in. I hate you, how do you do this to me?

"Would you trust me if I stop lying to you?" you say, getting yourself under control.

"How would I know?"

"Can't you tell, Raito-kun?" you say, reaching for your phone. "I can tell when you lie to me. Most of the time."

"I don't know if I can tell, you're obviously very accomplished at it," I say, nastily.

"Now who's the bitch?" you murmur, then speak into the phone before I can reply. "Watari? Would you turn the heating back on please? Yes. No. Thank you."

You break the connection and look at me. Enquiringly.

"You had Watari turn the heating off?" I say, slowly. "And you told me it was broken..."

"I thought if it was cold we would have to go to bed to keep warm," you say, the faintest pink flush beginning to show on your cheeks.

I just stare at you for a moment. "Ryuuzaki – you turned the heating off in the whole building, just so we could snuggle?"

You shrug. "It seemed a good idea at the time, Raito-kun."

"And now we're freezing," I say.

"Well, perhaps it _wasn't_ such a good idea."

"You're crazy," I say.

"That's quite possibly true," you agree.

"So what do we do now?" I say. "Sit here and shiver?"

"I have work-out dvds," you say. "The exercise might keep us warm – "

"We'd get indigestion," I say. "And what happened to dessert?"

"I forgot!" you look shocked and so am I. Ryuuzaki forgets dessert? 

We hurry into the kitchen, where I wash what remain of the plates and you prepare the dessert. We eat in silence, you look thoughtful and I also have things to think about. Specifically, my plan to find out what your intentions are toward me and now I'm horrified, I sound like the heroine of a Regency novel, are your intentions honorable, Mr Darcy? I groan and you look across at me.

"Is something the matter, Raito-kun?"

"I'm cold," I say, then realise I'm lying again. But how the hell would I tell the truth – I can tell _part_ of it! "And I'm concerned about your, um, determination to, uh, get off with me."

"I suppose it's not very flattering," you say, rather sadly. "If I was the other Ryuga Hideki, you might feel better about it."

"That creep?" I say. "My sister likes him, not me!"

"You don't think he's attractive?" you look surprised.

"Do _you_ think he's attractive?" this is making me angry again. Do you prefer that – that dressed up _doll _to me?

"In a conventional sense, yes," you say, pedantically. "Of course, I have no idea what his personality is like, and that can make a great difference."

That doesn't help me at all. I know what you think of my personality. You think it sucks. I don't know why I should even bother to put my plan into action. But I will. It's all I've got. If I go on like this for much longer I'm going to have a psychotic episode – or maybe just end up killing you. Or me. Or both of us.

"Let's go to bed," I say, pushing my dish away. "We can't work or do anything else in this cold."

You smile and quickly get up from the table.

"This doesn't mean your scheme worked," I tell you.

"No, Raito-kun, my scheme would only work if you did not know about it," you say.

I don't say anything to that. I'm more intent on refining the details of my own plan. We go into the bathroom together and start to get ready for bed. Of course, there's no hot water either, so we don't spend very long in there.

Normally when I change for bed, I do it quickly. Without looking at you. Okay, I look at you. But only out of the corner of my eye. Tonight is going to be different.

I unbutton my shirt, staring at you sitting on the edge of the bed. You're about to take off that baggy t-shirt, the clone of all the other baggy t-shirts you wear, and exactly the same as the one you wear for bed, but instead, you pause and watch me. Good! I have your attention.

I slip off my shirt and slowly, very slowly, take the hem of my t-shirt in my hands and slide it up my body. I take my time pulling it off over my head, so you can get a good look at me without thinking I'm watching you. 

I kick off my shoes, lift one foot after the other, take off my socks, now for the main attraction. The pants. I unfasten my belt and slide it out from the loops. Undo the button. I look across at you and see you're riveted to the action. Excellent. 

What I'd usually do at this point, having quickly removed all my clothing to the pants stage, is put on my pyjama top before I take off my underwear. Instead, I pull down my zipper with what I hope is a sensuous gesture and slide my pants and my boxers slowly down over my hips. Very slowly. I hear a little gasp from you as my cock jumps out, half erect. That's enough to make it swell even further, which I find rather embarrassing but never mind about that.

I let my pants slip down my legs and kick them off. Reach for my pyjamas. Round about now, I'm guessing, you should be thinking about grabbing me. Or at least telling me not to bother getting dressed again.

"Um, Raito-kun," you say. Here it comes! I smile at you, letting all the desire I feel for you escape through my eyes.

"Yes, Ryuuzaki?" I murmur.

"If Raito-kun decides that police work is not for him," you say, "He might consider an alternative career as a stripper."

I just stand there, naked, gawking at you. "What?" I stammer.

"Raito-kun is extremely adept at removing his clothes in a provocative way," you say.

"Fuck you, Ryuuzaki!" I snap and pull on my pyjamas in as non-provocative a way as I can manage before getting into bed and turning my back to you.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It's a long time before I get to sleep. I seem to have only succeeded in arousing myself with my performance and there's nothing I can do about it, unless I ask you for another bathroom break. Which I'm not going to do in this chilly atmosphere.

When I finally sleep, my dreams are uncomfortable. Cold caverns and corridors, fields of ice and snow, desolate unplanted wastelands. Somehow, in the depths of my mind, I know I have you to blame for this and I search for you, but you're nowhere to be seen amongst the emptiness.

After some time, this starts to concern me. I'm mad at you, true, but I don't want you lost in this icy hell. In fact, I'm willing to forgive you for – for whatever it was you did. For _anything_ you've done. If you'll only be here, not be missing – and I walk through the door of the investigation room, anxiously looking for you.

You're sitting in your unique way on your chair and you turn as I rush through the doorway.

"Ryuuzaki!" I exclaim, then stop in my tracks as I take in your appearance. Your hair is neatly brushed, smooth and silky and you don't look so tired. You look like Law, the French man in my dreams, of course you would, since he _is _ you. You look healthy and your clothes – your clothes fit you. Tight jeans that cling around, my God, that's an impressive package you've got there, how come I never noticed _that_ before? Definitely more than a mouthful! 

And your t-shirt isn't baggy, it fits in all the right places, outlining your slim, toned body – okay, thin, toned body – and hell, it's not one of those thick ones you usually wear, I can see nipples!

"Uuuuuhhhh!" I say, horny as hell and incoherent.

"It's about time," you say, getting up, walking across the room toward me, a predatory look in your eyes.

"I'll do it!" I babble, falling to my knees. "Just tell me what you want and I'll do it. Anything!"

You don't answer me, just stand in front of me and unzip, oh my fucking God, it's breakfast time!

It's huge and I don't mind, I pounce on it, starving, suck it into my mouth, not even caring when you grab me by the hair and push it deeper into my throat, fucking my mouth, choking me.

I'm so aroused now I can't think, I press closer to you, humping your leg like a dog, moaning and clutching at you, my lust for you spiralling out of control.

Then we're in the bed, together, my arms around you, my stiff cock pressed against your bare skin and I cry out your name as I cum all over you, rubbing myself against you, holding you tight, my arms clasped around your beautiful body, my beloved, my wonderful Ryuuzaki...

Which is when I realise I'm not dreaming any more.

I jump away from you in horror, sitting up, my hands going to my face. What have I done!

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" I mutter to myself. Are you awake? You have to be awake after all of that, jizz all over you and yelling in your ear – you don't look awake. You're breathing quite evenly, although you have a small smile on your face.

"Ryuuzaki?" I say, tentatively, then realise that waking you is the last thing I want to do. What would you say if you saw yourself – I need to remove the evidence.

I turn on the bedside light and examine the situation. Fish around under the pillow in case there's a tissue or handkerchief there, but of course, there isn't.

Okay, I know how I'm going to do this. I slip off my pyjama top and bundle it up, lean over you, gently wiping at your abused abdomen. Damn, there's some on your t-shirt. What do I do about that? I wipe off what I can with my fingers and leave the rest. I'll just have to hope you won't notice. Maybe you'll think it's cream from a cake or something, you're always spilling food down yourself.

Now I have sticky fingers. I lick the cum off them and that reminds me of my dream and I think what if it was yours? Would yours taste the same as mine? Sweeter, probably – my glance is drawn to your groin and I notice that you must have been aware of the recent activity in some way, there's an enormous bulge in your pants. How much I wish I could just rip them off you and take you in my mouth and really do what I dreamed of! But you're not mine and it'd be, I don't know, it'd be like rape or something. Bad enough what I've done already.

I look at my messy pyjama top and shrug. It'll look odd if I wake up in the morning without it, especially since it's so cold, so I put it back on again. I pull your t-shirt down over you and wrap you up in the covers, lay down myself with a sigh of relief. I think I got away with it.

You make a sleepy sound and roll over, closer to me. I can feel your breath on the side of my face and I turn to face you. You snuggle even closer, I guess you must be cold so I reach out and take you in my arms, we've done that before so I know you won't mind. 

You're pressed up close against me, your head on my shoulder, your hair soft against my face and I feel so happy, which is quite a shock as I've felt anything but for a long time now. Your erection is hard against my leg and I wish I could help you with it. 

Maybe I should just accept what you've offered me in the hope that it would lead to something more. If you're with me, if we make love together, what's the worst that can happen to you? You might not like the physical things we'd do. In which case, I'd stop – it'd break my heart but I'd never want to force you or coerce you in any way.

And there's always the possibility that you'll come to love me, as I do you. If you're even capable of it – but I feel you are. You're hidden and protected but under all that I'm sure there's more. You tell me you're my friend and if I'm honest with myself, I feel that I'm yours. I like you. You're intelligent and funny and fascinating and no matter how you annoy me I never reach the point where I don't want to be with you. I'm with you every moment of every day and you still don't irritate me that much, I can't imagine being in that situation with anybody else.

I wonder what it's like for you. You seem to have lived a very isolated life, no friends, no lovers, not enough social contact to make you anything but awkward and odd. And yet you put up with my presence, day after day, it must be so strange for you. And I'm not kind to you, I know that, I'm angry and defensive and bad-tempered. But here and now, you lying in my arms, wrapped up together with me, peaceful and trusting, I feel I could do better. Make you happy, so you won't ever want to leave me, so you'll stay, and be mine.

"Aijin, Ryuuzaki," I whisper into your sleeping ear. "I love you, my angel, my precious one. Tomorrow, I'll be nice to you, I promise."


	7. Talk To Me

_**Here comes the rain again**_

_**Raining in my head like a tragedy**_

_**Tearing me apart like a new emotion**_

_**I want to breathe in the open wind**_

_**I want to kiss like lovers do**_

_**I want to dive into your ocean**_

_**Is it raining with you?**_

_**So baby talk to me, Like lovers do**_

_**Walk with me, Like lovers do**_

_**Talk to me, Like lovers do**_

_Title and quote from Here Comes the Rain Again – Eurythmics. I love this song._

_Thanks to everyone that's reviewed and favorited this :)_

_For everyone that's waiting for the next part of my other fic, Only You, I said I'd update in a few days but there's a delay – too much going on here this week, birthday party, Easter and God knows what. It'll probably be up at the weekend._

_This one is for badmoon, my personal pet genius – did you ever register here? Anyway – because the more I write them, the more they remind me :- You can work out the rest for yourself, Brainius XD_

_DISCLAIMER: It's not mine, they're not mine, they belong to each other, no? XD_

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

I'm tired of working. My stomach is grumbling, I'm hungry. I glance across at you but you're absorbed in conversation with Matsuda about something he's done wrong.

I sigh and take one of the roses from my vase, lift it to my face, smelling the sweet, evocative perfume.

"Raito," my father is standing beside me and I look up at him.

"Uh, Dad," I say, thrusting the rose back in amongst the others.

"Raito, I need to ask you," he says. "Who gave you those flowers?"

What can I say to that? I can't think of anybody he'd believe. 

"Ryuuzaki," I finally say. He doesn't look too pleased.

"Raito, has Ryuuzaki – has anything improper – "

"No, Dad!" I say, hurriedly. "It's just that – I gave him one in the park."

"You did _what?"_ he raises his voice and I glance across at you, but you're still talking.

"A _rose_, Dad!" I say, wondering when my father's mind descended into the gutter. I point at your desk, where the rose is wilting in its vase. "I gave him that one so he gave me these. That's all."

"You're sure?" he asks. "I mean, he's older than you and has you chained to him, it's odd – "

"Dad, Ryuuzaki is an honest, polite and honorable person," I'm getting pissed off with his insinuations. "And nothing has happened between us that gives me the slightest cause for concern." That bit's true, anyway. Apart from having a messy orgasm over you while you slept and I'm not in a hurry to tell my Dad about that.

My father looks relieved and takes himself off. I get back to work and then notice I've got mail. It's from you, why are you emailing me when we're in the same room, you nerd. I open it and find out why.

_**Thank you for the compliments. **_

_**Congratulations, you lie like a fallen angel.**_

_**I bow at the feet of the master.**_

I grin and hit reply.

_**No need to grovel, I'm not Kira. And that's Master, capital M.**_

I go back to my database, but before I can do anything, more mail. 

_**BTW, you owe me one for last night.**_

What are you talking about? Last night – what do I owe you for last night? I send back

_**WTF?**_

I don't bother going back to work, just wait for the reply, I'm intrigued. And here it is.

_**The narcophiliac episode of non-consensual sex you had with me. Now it's my turn.**_

"Holy shit!" I mutter. Look up at you. You're smiling at me with an expression that says all too clearly, now I've got you. 

I scuttle my chair across to you.

"I was asleep!" I say. "I didn't know what I was doing!"

"I knew what you were doing," you say, dryly.

"I didn't mean to do it!"

"Ignorance is no excuse," you say.

"But I was just dreaming about you! About him! About sex!"

"I'm astonished that sex and I figured in your dream together, Raito-kun. And who is the other him?"

"Uh, my French guy. He's, uh, kind of like you. Similar." I glance up and see you with your head on one side, waiting. "The same," I finish.

"You think I'm _French?"_

"It's a dream, Ryuuzaki, it doesn't have to make sense!"

"But – all those things you said about him – about me – "

"So you think I owe you something?" I interrupt you, not wanting to get into all those things I said about you.

"That's what I think, Raito-kun."

My first impulse, as always, is to argue with you, but that doesn't seem as if it'll get me anywhere I want to be.

"Just tell me what you want, Ryuuzaki, and I'll do it," I say.

"That's also what you said last night, Raito-kun," you tell me.

"I was talking in my sleep again?" I really wish I didn't do that.

"It's a regular occurrence, Raito," you say with a smile. "It's quite fascinating."

"I'm sure it is," I mutter. Then, thinking about talking, something else springs to mind.

"Did you hear what I said?" I ask you urgently. "Afterwards – when I was awake?"

"What did you say, Raito?" you ask me.

"Nothing!"

"Then how could I possibly have heard it?"

I look at you and you stare back at me. You know, don't you. You heard me. If you were awake – 

"I thought you weren't lying to me any more?" I say, deciding attack is the best form of defense.

"I'm not lying to you, Raito," you say. "I'm simply delaying informing you of my awareness of your behaviour. You seemed in such distress over it, I thought it would be unkind to let you know I was awake at the time."

"So what do you want me to do?" I ask.

"I hardly think this is the place to discuss that, Raito."

"You don't know what you want, do you?" I grin at you.

"I must admit, I'm a little at sea amongst all the options available."

I laugh and skate my chair back to my own desk. Stare at my screen. More mail already? That was quick...

_**Can we kiss?**_

You want to kiss? That's it? I shrug and reply.

_**Kissing's not such a big deal, why not?**_

The answer comes almost instantaneously

_**It's a big deal to me.**_

I think about that. Hmm, you have an oral fixation. So kissing – oh my God, what would it be like, kissing a man with an oral fixation? I shift on my chair, I'm not comfortable in my clothes any more. Oh hell, yes, your lips – do you even mean kissing? I type back

_**Do you mean kissing? Or are you asking me to blow you? Or vice versa?**_

I wait, work forgotten. It's a couple of minutes, during which time your fantasy mouth is doing things to me I definitely shouldn't be thinking about here and now. Oh, here it comes

_**I was hoping for something more mutually satisfying.**_

You don't think oral sex is satisfying? How would you know? Or do you mean if only one of us is doing it – sixty-nine, then? Or do you mean you want me to fuck you? Or maybe you want to – what do you want? Now I have more mail and I haven't even replied to this yet. I open it and read

_**Will you have lunch with me?**_

Huh?

_**Ryuuzaki, I always have lunch with you.**_

I notice you glance across at me, rolling your eyes. What stupid thing did I say now? More mail

_**Somewhere other than here.**_

That's interesting! I reply

_**Lunch date? I thought you don't like to go out?**_

The answer comes back

_**I need to talk to you. With speech.**_

I look across and nod at you. You jump off your chair immediately and start reeling in the chain, dragging me up from my seat.

"Yagami-kun and I are going to lunch," you inform the room.

"Lunch?" Matsuda says. "Aren't you having lunch here?"

"No, we are going out, Matsuda-san," you say.

"Going where?" my father asks, with a suspicious look at us.

"Going to lunch, Yagami-san," you say, pulling me out of the room.

_oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

We walk to a small restaurant nearby, while I wonder what's so important you'd risk going out for it. This is the second time you've been out this week. 

"Is this a date?" I ask as we sit down at our table.

"Yes." you say.

"Oh," I think about that. "Uh, thanks."

"You have nothing to thank me for, Raito-kun. I like to be with you."

You look at me for some time. Just staring. I'm used to that, it doesn't bother me any more. No, I actually like it. Being the object of your attention, even if it's not for the reason I'd choose.

"I don't think killing people is enough," you say out of the blue.

"I'm sorry? What?"

"It's too one-sided. Having the ability to kill people but not to give them anything else. Anything that would benefit their lives. It's not godlike. It's hellish."

"It removes the fear of criminal attack from their lives," I protest.

"But that's not enough, Raito." you pause while we order, cake for you, sushi for me. Once the waitress has left, you return to the subject.

"What about the families of the criminals who are dead, Raito? What about their friends, their children? And what about all the people who live in fear because they committed some minor crime and worry they might suddenly find themselves dying in agony because of it?"

"Kira doesn't kill people for minor crimes," I said.

"Raito, he killed someone for embezzling and another man who stole a damned handbag! Those things certainly do not deserve the death penalty."

"I thought we were here to talk about kissing, not Kira?"

"If one is discussing kissing Kira, Raito-kun, then they are the same subject."

"If those same old suspicions are all you have to talk about, we may as well go back to work."

"Don't be angry, Raito," you reach across and take my hand. I give a little gasp at the unexpected touch. You go on, "I thought you were going to be nice to me today?"

"I knew you heard me!" I say, snatching my hand away.

"I did," your eyes are unreadable. "I was – surprised."

"Surprised?"

"Amazed. Incredulous." you elaborate. "I thought there was a possibility that you were attracted to me, but – how long has this been going on?"

"I'm not sure," I confess, staring down at the table. "It crept up on me. I didn't give it a name until – you remember that time on the roof? When it rained?"

"You gave me your coat," you say. "You kept me warm. It made me aware of how kind and thoughtful you really are. It seemed such a shame."

"Can we leave Kira _out _of this conversation?" I say.

"How is that possible, Raito-kun, when you are him?"

The waitress brings our food at this point, which is a good thing as I'm about to forget my promise to be nice.

You take a bite of your cake and carry on, with your mouth full, "For me to embark upon a romantic relationship with you, Raito, seems incredibly foolish, given our circumstances."

"I'm not Kira," I say, through sushi. God, I'm picking up your bad table manners!

"Can you honestly tell me, Raito," you put down your fork and look at me. "That you have no doubts whatsoever? Not the slightest one?"

I look back at you. I don't know what to say. I just shrug and sigh.

"I thought so," you say. "Even though you have a vested interest in denying the evidence, you can't ignore it completely."

"I can't tell you anything, Ryuuzaki," I say. "You say you're all these different people – I mean, that there are different parts of you. But to me, you're L and you want me dead. How can I _discuss_ my feelings about this with you, knowing that you'll use it against me?"

"I don't want you dead." you say.

We eat and don't talk for some time. I don't know what I want to do. I thought this would be so simple, you want me to kiss you and that makes me happy but all this other stuff – I wonder if it's even worth it. Then I look across at you, eating cake, holding the fork that wierd way you have, sitting in that strange posture and staring into space as you think. I imagine what it would be like if I was sitting here alone. The way I used to be. No, I don't want to go back to that. Even if our relationship never becomes anything more than what it is, I want to keep it. Just to be with you, no matter how.

"I'm guessing you had second thoughts about the kissing, Ryuuzaki," I say, when we've finished eating and the coffee is nearly gone.

"Not really, Raito," you say. "I was expressing my concerns, that's all."

"You said it would be incredibly foolish," I protest.

"I didn't, however, say that I wasn't capable of _being_ incredibly foolish."

"Why did you ever start flirting with me at all, if you had all these doubts?" I ask.

"I thought we could enjoy sexual intimacy," you say. "I thought you might appreciate having someone to release your pent-up frustrations into."

"You thought we could be fuck buddies?" I say, ignoring with difficulty the suggestive nature of your last statement.

"Yes." you pause, then put your head on one side, look at me. "I didn't realise you had an emotional investment in our relationship."

"Does that make a difference?" I ask.

"Not really," you say.

What the hell does that mean? I'm about to demand it of you, then I remember. I'm nice. I'm being nice. Yelling at you for an explanation isn't nice. So what could you mean? Do you mean you don't care about my feelings? Wouldn't give a damn if I care about you, because all you want is sex and no matter if I get hurt in the process? No, that sounds way too extreme. Oh, fuck it, I'm tired of speculating about what you might be thinking!

"What do you mean?" I say.

"It doesn't make a difference, Raito."

"Yes, I understand what you're saying, Ryuuzaki, but what do you mean by it?" I'm feeling impatient with you now but I force myself to concentrate on waiting for your answer, not anticipating some unpleasant thing you might say.

"I would still like us to be physically close, no matter how you feel about me," you say.

"What?" Did you just say the same thing in different words? "You almost make it sound as if it's a bad thing that I – that I have feelings for you."

"No, I don't think that," you say, so calmly I feel like poking you in the eye with a chopstick. Doesn't any of this matter to you?

"Doesn't it matter to you at all?" I ask.

"My life is uncertain and dangerous, Raito," you say. "I don't expect it to last very long."

"Don't talk like that, Ryuuzaki!" I reach across the table and grab your hand. "You're not going to die! I won't let that happen!"

"If you return to being Kira," you say, "you would kill me without a second thought."

I have no idea how to answer that, so I don't. 

"Kira is about death," you muse. "That's all he is. Death and killing – it's not a healthy obsession."

"Well, no, of course not," I mumble.

"Life isn't meant to be spent thinking about death," you go on, staring down at our joined hands. "It's meant to be spent thinking about life. About living and – and creating things, not destroying them. Which is why I feel I would like to take this opportunity, incredibly foolish as it may be. Because I may never have another chance to be with someone in that way."

"Ryuuzaki, nothing is going to happen to you," I say.

"That wasn't quite what I meant, Raito," you look into my eyes and I can feel a totally sappy expression spread itself across my face. "I cannot imagine," you say, "that I would ever meet somebody else I would want to be with in that way."

"Well, we are very alike," I say. "I mean, we don't have much trouble getting on together. Even though we spend our whole time together." I realise I'm babbling but I don't seem able to stop. "We have fights of course, but that's probably caused by the circumstances, not that we don't like each other. And I suppose you must think I'm attractive? Do you?"

"Everyone thinks Raito-kun is attractive," you say.

"No, but you, what do you think?" I insist. "I don't care what anybody else thinks."

"Yes, I think Raito-kun is attractive," you say.

"Oh," I sigh. Somehow that doesn't seem like the answer I was hoping for. I feel annoyed. No, I don't. I feel disappointed. 

I take a good look at you, notice how tense you look, perched on your chair like a bird about to take wing and fly away. Why are you so careful about what you say to me? Do I scare you? Of course it's sensible to be scared I might turn into Kira and murder you. Also I know you get disturbed by my outbursts of bad temper. I suppose the situation is totally unfamiliar to you as well. At least I've dated and kissed and so on, so I have some idea what to expect, what to say and do. I search for a way to make you feel more comfortable.

"I think you're beautiful," I say.

"Hurh?" you put down your cup with unnecessary force. "You don't have to say that, Raito – "

"I mean it," I say. "I told you. When I told you about Law – "

"Who?" you look startled.

"My French guy. I mean you. Being the French guy."

"That's his name?" now you look positively alarmed.

"Yes, why – is that your name?"

"That's not a name for a person, Raito," you say. "That's a name for a collection of rules pertaining to a judicial system."

"And that's not an answer, Ryuuzaki," I say, "it's an evasion."

You don't say anything. Just sit there staring at me. I look back at you, I have no objection to looking at you for as long as you like. Your face starts to gently blush like sun rising over snow and I wonder what's got you so embarrassed, is it the name thing?

"I'm not asking you what your name is," I assure you.

"When we finish the Kira case, I'll tell you," you say. "If you still want to know."

"I will," I say. "I don't like always calling you something that isn't your proper name."

You look around to see there's nobody listening then lean toward me. "You can call me L when we're alone."

"You like that?" I say.

"That's whom I think of myself as," you say.

"Eru," I say, giving it the Japanese pronunciation. "Ell," in English. "Good thing you're _not _French, Elle is a bit girly... oh, that reminds me, Ryuuzaki, do you know what a ryuzaki is? Short u sound, not the long one you have."

"No, actually, I don't," you say. "What is it?"

"A prostitute who specialises in oral sex," I say. "Kanto slang."

You start to laugh. "That seems singularly unsuitable for me, Raito!"

"You could practise," I say.

"Not in solitude," you say. "I don't think I'm quite that flexible."

"You could practise on me," I say, smiling at you.

"I wouldn't know where to start!"

"You're intelligent enough, I'm sure you'll soon work it out," I reach over and take your other hand as well. "And there's plenty of useful instruction online if you get stuck."

"Can Raito-kun not teach me that kind of thing?" you ask.

"Uh, Raito-kun is not an expert in such matters," I confess.

"But you have done these things with other people?"

"Not that," I say. "I've had it done to me, once or twice."

"So what have you done?" you demand.

"Um, not much else," I say. "Kissing, groping, petting, whatever you want to call it."

"I thought Raito-kun was incredibly experienced," you say. "I feel disappointed."

"You want me to be a slut, Ryuuzaki?" I ask, then I catch the mischief in your eyes and realise you're teasing me.

"Maybe I want to have a slutty man in my bed," you say.

"Unfortunately, I'm not him," I shrug and pull one of your hands up to my face, kissing it.

"You could practise," you say and we both laugh.

"I have a problem," I tell you, kissing each of your fingers in turn. You give a little shiver.

"Hmm?" you say.

"A sexual problem."

"You mean, like, um, premature ejaculation?"

"No!" I say. "At least, I don't think so. No, it makes me cry."

"Sex makes you cry?"

"Orgasms make me cry."

"Do you know why that is?"

"I have no idea," I say. "But it makes me reluctant to do that with anyone else present."

"Last night I didn't notice tears?" you say.

"Last night I was concentrating on cleaning up without waking you!" I say, pulling your other hand over and starting to give it the kiss treatment. "Which turned out to be a waste of time."

"I can't imagine how you think I could sleep through that," you say. "All that grunting and groaning and grabbing and groping – "

"Okay, okay," I laugh and lean toward you, gently brush my lips across your cheek.

"I want to help you, Raito-kun," you say.

"Help me with what, Ryuuzaki?" thinking I have something right here under the tablecloth you could help me with.

"With this whole Kira business, Raito," you say. "I want – I _don't_ want you to be Kira again. And if we just leave things up in the air, unfinished and unsolved, that could happen. I don't want you to kill me, Raito."

"I don't – I wouldn't – " I begin. Then I sigh. "Ryuuzaki, I understand what you're saying. But I can't tell you anything."

"You said that you love me?"

That's low, even from you, Ryuuzaki! "I don't _trust_ you," I say. "If we discover that I really am Kira – that I _was_ Kira – you'll have me arrested and put to death. And I wouldn't blame you. I deserve to die if I murdered all those people."

You shrug. "Don't bring up irrelevancies, Raito-kun."

"Irrelevancies?" I look at you, amazed. "The deaths of hundreds of people are irrelevancies? Maybe you should have been Kira, Ryuuzaki, you'd be even better at it than I would!"

"Don't even go there," you say, looking across at me with nothing at all in your eyes. "I hope I'm never offered the chance."

I pull my hands away from you and recoil into my chair as enlightenment suddenly hits me. I thought I loved you, there I was, roaming around in a rose-colored daze thinking about how you're cute and you're adorable and you're funny and attractive. I loved you like a fucking picture on a wall and here you are, a real live human being with doubts and fears and evil in your soul that you comprehend and deal with one way or another.

"What am I doing?" I don't realise I'm speaking, not thinking, until you answer me.

"Going back to work, Raito-kun, it's late."

I nod and we pay and we walk through the streets, neither of us saying anything. Do you think I've rejected you? Do I want to? No, but I'm – I'm – what the fuck is this that I am? 

Neither of us speak until we're in the lobby of the investigation headquarters, waiting for the elevator.

"Ryuuzaki," I say.

"Hmm?"

"I don't feel right."

"In what way, Raito-kun?" you look at me with concern. "Are you ill?"

"No, I'm – something else."

"Something else?"

"I don't understand!" I practically wail. Hearing myself in this state, I start to blush. Holy fucking hell, what a mess I am!

"That must be exciting for you," you say. "A whole new experience."

"Don't be sarcastic!" I snap.

"I wasn't," you say. "I'm serious. Everything's always been easy for you. Perfect Yagami Raito with his perfect grades and his perfect good looks and his perfect manners. Didn't you think there'd ever be a time when you found something that was a challenge to you?"

"But I don't understand it!" I repeat, leaning forward and spitting the words into your face. "And I don't understand you either! I'm confused, Ryuuzaki!"

"I'm sure comprehension will dawn at some point, Raito-kun."

That's it for me. I grab you by the arms and pull you against me. "I'm going to kiss you now, see if that warms you up, you cold-hearted bastard!"

"This is what you call being nice to – "

The rest of your sentence disappears into my mouth as I press my lips to yours with more force than strictly necessary.

I'm expecting it to be good but nothing could have prepared me for the feeling that shoots through me like I jammed my fingers into a plug socket. I moan into your mouth and wrap my arms around you, pressing you back against the wall, my hips grinding into yours. I have no control over my body, more lost than I'd ever have imagined, nothing exists but the sensation of your firm, warm lips on mine.

I pull away from you and search your face as if I'll find some answers there. You look at me in amazement, your eyes glazed, your breath rapid.

"Raito-kun," you murmur, "Is this how it's meant to feel?"

"I don't know," I say. "I've never – I suppose it must."

You smile suddenly, impishly, and pull me back into your arms, kissing me fervently, unpractised, sloppy, unbelievably arousing kisses. I close my eyes and melt in your arms, it's like being complete after losing something, as if we were two halves of the same divided being.

I break away for breath, great gasping sighs of it, hold you close, pressing you against me. 

"I love you," I whisper in your ear. "I want you. I don't ever want to lose you."

Part of me is watching this and shrinking in horror, Yagami Raito finally loses it, shameless in the lobby, giving himself away to a man who may not even value the gift. But I don't care about it, that part can go fuck itself, and now I understand, it's taken long enough but I do. I thought I was in love with you, I wanted to seduce you and own you and if you hadn't seemed so innocent and vulnerable I would have. 

I don't think I'm in love with you now. I love you, no doubts, no thinking about it. I would do anything you asked of me, even the things you asked me today. Even if it damn well kills me. And if it means nothing to you, that's just too bad. You can have it anyway.

"I want you," I repeat. "I want you to stay with me."

"Raito, that's not possible," you say, pulling away from me.

I just stare at you. I'm numb for the first few seconds and I wish I could stay that way when I start to feel as if you reached out and pulled my heart, bleeding, from my chest. 

You look at the elevator which has been and gone in the time we spent embraced, and you push the button to call it.

"We should get back to work, Raito," you say. "Or at least, ride the elevator, instead of standing in the lobby. There are cameras in here."

"I don't give a fuck," I say, dully.

You give me a puzzled look and pull me into the elevator when it arrives.

"I can't stay here in Japan, Raito," you say after you press for our floor. "I already have several homes and they're more convenient for where most of my work is."

"You're saying you'll leave?" I can't believe this. I kiss you and you tell me you'll abandon me, I thought my technique was better than that! "You'll leave and I'll never see you again?"

"Never is a very extreme word, Raito," you say as the elevator stops. "I might be here again, who knows?" You pull me out into the hallway, since I'm past moving under my own volition, and smile at me. "Of course, given that you are an adaptable person and speak English so well, I don't think you'd find it too difficult if you came with me."

I open my mouth but find I've also lost the ability to speak.

"And I want sex tonight, Raito," you say as you drag me toward the investigation room. "I've waited long enough."

Everyone turns to look at us as we go back into the room.

"You're looking perky, Ryuuzaki!" says Matsuda. He gives me a glance and obviously decides to say nothing about my state, do I look as trashed as I feel?

"You've been a very long time, Raito," my father comments.

"Hungry," I mutter.

"Are you – all right?" he asks.

"Never better," I mumble.

He gives me a look but doesn't pursue it.

I slump down at my desk and stare at my monitor screen. You pull your chair across and sit next to me.

"Perky Ryuuzaki," I say.

"Matsuda!" you say, making it sound like a curse. "Good thing I'm not Kira!"

I smile at you. "My mind is fucked, Ryuuzaki. I don't know what's happening any more."

"I hope that doesn't last too long," you say. "I like your mind. Not just the parts that everone else sees, the perfect parts. I like the secret parts. The bad temper and insecurities and passion."

"You want to drive me wild because you like me that way?" I say.

"Mmm, wild Raito," you say, thoughtfully.

"So you enjoyed the kissing?" I ask.

"Even more than I expected," you say. "I don't know why I've never done it before."

"You were saving yourself for me." I say, firmly.

"I must have been," you say, with a smile.

"So are you ready for Advanced Placement?"

"I was born for AP classes," you say.

I grin and take your hand. "Just say what you want and we'll do it. I'm your bitch."

You burst out laughing. Everyone in the room turns around at the unusual sound. My dad gives us a look that has edges on it, but I don't give a damn.

"Bitch, Raito?" you say. "I hope not. Not in the bedroom, anyway."

"Oh, is that what you want?" I ask.

"I want to do everything with you," you murmur, a pink tinge on your pale skin.

"Everything," I say. "Fine. Kiss me, kill me, fuck me. I'm yours."

"All of that?" you murmur, reaching up to brush some hair out of my eyes. "Will you settle for two out of three?"


	8. No Time To Cry

_Kenny-Chan's special fan-service XD It, uh, may not be quite what you were expecting – but I had to work with what was available XD_

_It's just a feeling I get sometimes_

_A feeling sometimes_

_And I get frightened just like you_

_I get frightened too_

_But it's no, no, no, no time for heartache_

_No, no, no, no time to run and hide_

_No, no, no, no time for breaking down_

_No, no, no,_

_No time to cry_

The quote in the text – it says it's a quote so you'll know when you get there – is from Lord of the Rings.

_The title and quote above are from No Time to Cry, originally by the Sisters of Mercy – more local heroes XD – but the better version is by Cradle of Filth, nice vid on youtube._

_I'm sorry if you got notified twice about this chapter – FFN played hell with my formatting and I had to reupload. It may still not be quite right._

_SPOILER – up to episode 20 of the anime and chapter 45 of the manga. You need to have read the manga or seen the anime to understand this – I'm not going to put in reams of plot exposition and ruin the story._

_DISCLAIMER – only this story is mine._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

"Raito – " you say as we go into our apartment.

"Fuck you, Ryuuzaki," I tell you and storm across to the kitchen. That's where we go when we come home so you can have cake. I want to say more but I don't, I put coffee on instead. We've fought enough today. I've had enough of you.

"Take the cuff off, I want to shower," I say, holding my arm out to you to be unfastened.

"If Raito-kun would allow me to explain – " you begin again, as you unlock the chain from both of us.

"I don't need an explanation," I say. "I already know what you think of me. You embarrass me in front of everybody asking if I want to be the next L – you make it clear that you think I'm Kira – "

"Raito, you made it clear what I was thinking with your insightful explanation of my request," you say. "And everybody already knows I am aware that you're Kira."

"I don't _believe_ you!" I turn round on you, ready to hit you if there's one more wrong word. "You ask me to be your lover – to sleep with you, anyway – and then you set up this half-assed scheme to find out if I'm Kira planning to take your place! Not to mention coercing Misa into putting herself in danger to help you."

"We're all in danger, Raito-kun," you say. "And she wants to help _you."_

"That's not the point," I say. "You should have asked me first."

"Why?" you say, looking at me with interest over a plateful of cake. Interest! Is that all you can manage, you emotional retard?

"What do you mean, why?" I demand. "Because she's my girlfriend!"

"Whom you apparently have no wish to be with and whom you do not care for," you say, carefully forking a mouthful of cake into your mouth. "Unless your protestations of love for me are entirely false?"

"I'm starting to think they were damn well _mistaken!"_ I say.

You swallow your cake and put down your plate. Turn your eyes on me. I almost recoil as you give me the coldest look I've ever seen on a human face.

"Nevertheless, Yagami Raito," you say, "I am still in charge of this investigation and you will do as I say."

I give you back a look to match your own. "Including keeping quiet while you insult me? And by the way also insult my intelligence with a feeble trap a second-grader could have seen through?"

"Exactly. Whether you like it or not, Yagami Raito." you say and turn away from me, picking up your plate again.

That's enough for me, I'm losing it, I suddenly decide I hate fucking cake! I hate the way you put your mouth on cake when it should be on me!

I reach out and slap the plate from your hand. It falls to the floor and shatters, spraying crumbs and frosting everywhere, spattering up our legs.

"Yagami-kun – " you look down at the broken pieces of plate and confectionery, a puzzled expression on your face like a child with a broken toy, but I'm too far gone to feel any remorse.

"Excuse me!" I say, sweeping you out of the way and wrenching open the door of the fridge. The cake fills every shelf. Chocolate cake. Strawberry cake. Cheesecake.

I don't bother picking out individual items. I just grab the shelves of the refrigerator, one by one and rip them out, flinging the contents behind me. I feel you grab my arm and shake you off violently. I pull the last shelf out and throw it, uncaringly and hear a cry.

Spinning round I see you clutching at your face. The edge of the shelf must have hit you, you're bleeding and your hair is full of cake and cream.

You look at me, outraged.

"I hate your fucking cake!" I yell, beside myself, then turn back to the fridge, grab it and there's a huge crash as I tip the whole thing over onto its side on the floor. I laugh maniacally, I destroyed the home of the evil sweetness you prefer to me!

"Yagami-kun, stop this!" you say, throwing your arms around me.

"Oh, _now_ you touch me!" I say, planting my hands on your chest and heaving you away from me. You hardly weigh anything – you fly across the kitchen and smack into the edge of the door, crying out, then dropping to your knees.

"I hate your damn fucking bastard _cakes!"_ I yell again. "And you know what else I hate?"

You just groan, reaching around to your back where it hit the door.

"I hate fucking _cookies_ too!" I bellow, reaching up to the cupboard, flinging it open, tearing out cookie packets, candy bags, chocolate, everything sweet and sickly, turning to fling them at you where you curl on the floor.

"Here you are, L!" I shout, sounding crazy even to myself. "Fuck this, why don't you! Kiss the fucking sugar, L!"

And talking of sugar – there are three bags of it here on the counter. You're dragging yourself up the door, stumbling across to me but not in time to stop me as I rip them open, tipping the contents onto the floor, kicking a granulated swathe of it up into your face as you reach me.

"Fuck your damn sugar!" I growl at you. "If you like it so much, L, just – "

I grab you by the shoulders, force you down to your knees.

"Just – fuck the damn sugar, will you, L!" I push you down further. "Lay on it! Tell it you love it! You may as well – "

I stop as your hands come up and grab my wrists. I pull away, trying to shake you off but damn you, I may as well still be cuffed, I can't get free of you.

You use me to pull yourself upright again and before I can say or do anything you kick me. Hard. In my stomach, and I suppose I should be grateful it wasn't lower.

I double over, winded and that's when you go to work on me. There's nothing I can do. We've fought before, we started to fight today for God's sake, in the investigation room, but this is different. I'd thought of us as evenly matched but now I see how much you were holding back. How incredibly and frighteningly skilled you are.

I can't hit you. I try but I can't even get near you. And meanwhile, you're taking me apart, I'm bleeding, bruised, backing away.

I stagger into the living room, recoil from a punch to my face, my already split lip bursting open somewhere new. I swing at you desperately, you block me and your kick takes me in the diaphragm and I'm flying, landing on the coffee table, which smashes into pieces. I feel as if something inside of me is broken too.

I lay on my back between the couch and the shattered table, watching you approach me. You stand over me lifting your foot again. I look up at your face, feral and formidable, and wonder if you're going to kill me. I can't hit you. I can't defend myself. I just roll on my side, bury my head in the side of the couch and put my arm over my head.

Nothing happens.

After some time, I risk a look at you. You're sitting on the couch, watching me, expressionless.

"What?" I say.

"Are you done?" you ask.

"Yes."

"Then listen to me." you lean forward and I flinch. "There will be no more fighting. During the rest of the course of this investigation, no matter how long it takes, Yagami-kun will refrain from taking out his frustrations on me or my possessions, is that quite clear?"

"Yes," I say.

"Good," you say. "Because if I have to beat you again, I won't stop until I put you in the hospital. And I hope that's clear too."

"Clear," I mutter, grabbing hold of the edge of the couch and pulling myself up. I gasp at the pain in my side where I hit the table. You don't seem to notice. Or perhaps don't care.

"Bathroom," you say.

I manage to get to my feet and limp after you. You're turning on the shower, adjusting the temperature.

"Undress," you tell me, without turning around.

I strip off my ruined, torn, bloody clothes and throw them in the trash. Yours go with them and we both stand in the shower, the water stinging the raw places on my body.

"Wash me," you murmur.

"Huh?"

"Yagami-kun, I'm in no mood to repeat myself."

"Fine, wash you, okay," I mutter, deciding I'm in no mood to argue with you. Next time might be fatal, who'd have known you had such a bad temper? I don't feel like arguing or fighting anyway. I feel strangely calm. Contented. It seems anomalous, given everything that's just happened.

I take the shower gel and smooth it over your chest, down to your abdomen, caressing you, avoiding bruises.

"I remember being angry with you, Ryuuzaki," I say. "When we first met. When we gave the speech at the University and then you told me you were L."

"Why were you angry with me, Yagami-kun?" you ask.

"I don't know," I say, wincing as I drop to my knees, begin to wash your feet – thoroughly. No screams this time, though I can feel you restraining shudders. "I was – humiliated by you. But I don't know why, all you had done was be there and confide in me. I should have been pleased. Flattered. Instead, I hated you."

"You were Kira," you say.

I don't answer that, my hands are soaping your thighs and I want to concentrate on that instead. You're aroused, erect, and I want to – I take your cock in my hands and stroke the slippery gel over it, one hand cupping your balls, circling them, watching the shower spray wash away the foam, hearing you murmuring at my touch.

I lean forward, licking my lips, preparing to taste – and you take a step away from me.

"Not now, Yagami-kun, we don't have time for that."

"We don't?" I look up at you.

"Unfortunately, no," you say, your expression softening slightly.

"Okay," I mutter, stand up and wash your back. There's a long, angry-looking weal where you hit the kitchen door and I sigh, guiltily, press my lips to your shoulder, eliciting a gasp and slide my hands down over your butt. I don't linger, even though I want to, I got the message. You're not interested, not in the mood, have better things to do.

As soon as I'm finished, you leave the shower, not looking back. I shake my head at my own stupidity and clean myself quickly, a quick rub with a towel and damn, no clothes.

Leaving the bathroom I see you sitting on the couch, the laptop on your knees since there's no table. I go into the kitchen, pausing in the doorway to plan a route around the array of smashed and broken cake that litters the floor.

One particularly obnoxious heap of strawberry-peppered goo catches my eye and I tiptoe across to it, lean over and glare at it.

"I win!" I hiss at it. "You'll never get anywhere near his mouth now, even my Ryuu wouldn't scrape up cake off the floor and eat it!"

I hear a cough behind me and turn guiltily to see you standing just outside the kitchen, regarding me with a puzzled expression.

"Why is Yagami-kun wandering around the kitchen naked?" you ask. "And why is he addressing my cake as though it was the fallen body of his rival?"

"Uh – clothes," I mutter, indicating the washer. "I washed all my clothes." I don't see fit to reply to the cake part of the question, realising any answer I could give would only make me look more peculiar. I have the sinking feeling that neither the cake nor I are getting anywhere near your mouth tonight.

"I am beginning to think I have been working Yagami-kun too hard," you remark, as I open the washer and pull out –

"I have no clothes!" I exclaim. "I forgot to put the dryer on!"

"Use mine. And please hurry." you roll your eyes and leave.

I grab some of your stuff out of the ironing basket and retreat from the cream-soaked battlefield back to the bathroom to get dressed.

Looking in the mirror, I'm appalled. I look like you, especially with my hair still messy and darkened with dampness. These clothes are so shapeless – I reach for my comb and then put it down. Poke around on the bathroom shelf until I find it, some hair gel I bought but never used as it turned out to be way too sticky.

When I'm finished, I go to join you, not bothering with socks. You glance up at me, down at your laptop, then back at me. Then you start to laugh. I can see you don't want to, but you do it anyway. And I'm not surprised, I've already seen what I look like in your baggy t-shirt and baggy pants and my hair all spiked up in a big mess like yours.

"No amount of physical violence will drive the insolence out of Yagami-kun," you say when you manage to stop laughing.

"I thought I was being respectful, Eru-sensei," I say as I drop into seiza at your feet.

"No you didn't," you say, touching my hair. "This feels horrible, Raito-kun, wash it out later."

There's a brief knock on the door and Watari comes in with a tray. Raises his eyebrows at the splinters of coffee table. Glances into the kitchen and widens his eyes.

"You've been fighting again, Ryuuzaki," he remarks.

"Yes, I'm sorry, Watari," you say. "There won't be any more of it."

"Any injuries I need to attend to?" he asks.

"Nothing serious," you say.

"And Yagami-kun?" Watari asks me.

"No, I'm fine, thank you," I mutter, unable to meet his eyes after destroying the precious cake of his – what kind of relationship do these two have, anyway?

I'm not surprised to see the tray has more cohorts of cake on it. There's no getting rid of the damn sweet stuff.

"I'll bring you another table," Watari says and I brood while he does so and you and he manouver it into place, some kind of unspoken communication going on between the two of you. From the occasional glance at me, I don't think I'd like to hear it even if I could.

"Watari," I say, when he's finally gone. "And cake."

"Raito-kun, do you want me to have nothing in my life apart from you?" you ask, sounding more than a little exasperated.

"You don't have me," I say. "You lie to me and trick me. Try to trick me. Asking me if I want to be L."

"I wanted to be sure," you say. "That there was no part of Kira still lurking around inside you. Apart from the case, Raito-kun, don't you think I like to know who I'll be sharing my bed with?"

"You share a bed with me every night, Ryuuzaki."

"You know that's not what I mean."

"But you still don't know," I say. "Because I saw through your scheme and I could still be – " I can't finish that.

"Right now, I'll take what I can get," you sigh. "Although I admit, I'd sleep a little easier afterwards if I was convinced that all I'm sleeping with is Yagami Raito."

You go across to the desk and come back with an armful of folders, arrange them on the new table. Set the laptop in the middle of it all.

"What are we doing?" I ask.

"Going through the Kira case," you say. "Start to finish. I want to know everything. Everything you did, everything you can't remember. No lies, Raito."

I look up at you. "Is this so you can arrest me?"

"If Yagami Raito was Kira," you say, "He would never willingly give up the power of being Kira unless he thought it would return to him at some point. Don't you agree?"

I think about it. Think about me. If I was Kira. I nod, reluctantly.

"So that is where we need to intervene," you say. "We're running out of time. When we capture the third Kira, that's when I expect you to make your move. I don't know what it will be and I don't know how to anticipate it. You're going to help me to work it out."

"And then you fuck me and then you have me put to death," I say.

"This is still not proof," you say. "Whatever you say to me here and now can only be described as circumstantial evidence. Unless you propose to confess?"

"I may as well," I say. "If I'm Kira, I deserve to die."

"Many that live deserve death. And some die that deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then be not too eager to deal out death in the name of justice," you quote. "And that can apply to both of us, Raito. Now let's get on with this, I do have other things in mind for tonight apart from going over case notes."

"Eru-chan," I murmur, putting my hand on your knee. "I'm sorry about the cake. I'm sorry about all the mess."

You look down at me and I can see you know I'm not just talking about cake.

"Don't worry, Rai-chan," you say. "I know it's difficult for you. I don't like it either. But unless we know, we won't know what we can do about it, hmm?"

"I don't want you to hate me," I say, simply.

"You'd have to go a long way to make me do that, Raito," you say. "Since I'm already convinced that you're a murderer and a liar and I still don't hate you."

"You might, when you hear what I have to say," I say. "And if you do, I want you to promise me something."

"What is it?"

"Let me write a confession and kill myself." I say. "I don't want to go to trial and spend all those weeks or months in prison without you, knowing that you think I'm a monster."

You raise an eyebrow at me. "Watch you kill yourself in front of me? I don't think so."

"Then I'll do it in the damn bathroom!" I snap. "Or some other place you can't see. Just say you will, Eru-chan. Please."

"I promise you," you say. "But it won't come to that, Raito. And now we really need to leave these personal matters and start unraveling this mess."

"Then we should start with Ray Penbar," I say. "And Naomi Misora."

"I knew Naomi," you say. "I worked with her. Liked her."

"I know." I sigh and look into your eyes. "I think I killed her."


	9. Absolution

_Tiptoe to your room_

_A starlight in the gloom_

_I only dream of you_

_And you never knew_

_There's nowhere left to hide_

_In no one to confide_

_The truth burns deep inside_

_And will never die_

_Sing for absolution_

_I will be singing_

_Falling from your grace_

_ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_Okay, you all know what happened in the manga/anime – don't you? If not, quick, read it XD If you have no money to buy it, you can read it on youtube – but buy it as soon as you can, otherwise it's probably technically stealing... I'm not going to go over everything Light did as Kira, because that'd be boring, so if you've read it, you know pretty much what they found out – all the bits he did as Kira are the bits he can't really remember now._

_Title and quote from Absolution by Muse. Another of my favorite songs, the whole album actually, I like to put this one on in the kitchen while I'm doing the dishes – and getting story ideas - and sing it really, really loud. XD_

_Okay, I have a request. Who wants a different ending to the original? XD Personally, I think the ending of the whole L/Light saga sucks, I would never have done it like that. Not just because of the sadness, but I don't think it helped the storyline, there never was that same sense of tension and competition any more. So I don't particularly want to – but I will if everyone thinks I should stay within canon... and damn, I've ended up with two stories occupying the same story-time so I have to do it twice, what the hell was I thinking? XD This was supposed to be a one-shot... sigh..._

_DISCLAIMER: Only the story is mine._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

I lean forward and put my head on your foot as you sit in your curled position on the couch. I want to touch you. I may never touch you again.

"Hmm," you say. "I think we've gone as far as we can with this for tonight. Have you any thoughts?"

I shake my head.

"You look tired, Raito," you say.

"Tired of life," I mutter. I feel more depressed than I ever felt in my life. I feel I'd be happier if I was dead, buried, dug up and eaten by scavengers.

"Already?" you say.

"Spare me," I say. "The last thing I need is a further helping of your shallow affect."

"That was actually my sense of humor," you say.

"It sucks," I say.

"You don't normally object to it."

"Surprisingly enough, I'm not in the mood."

You put your hand on my head. "Raito, go wash this disgusting slap off your hair, please. Right now."

I sigh and get up, go into the bathroom. Wash my hair. Go to the cabinet. There are useful things in there. Things I can use. I take them out and look at them.

"What are you doing, Raito?" you're standing in the doorway.

"I have a headache," I say, picking up the bottle of painkillers.

"You don't cure a headache with razorblades," you say, sweeping up my collection and pushing them back into the cabinet, closing the door on them.

I just watch you. The things are still there when I need them. You look at me, questioningly, take a step toward me. I take one back.

"Are you scared of me, Raito?" you look disturbed.

"Justifiably cautious," I say. "You might decide you want to mash me around the apartment some more."

"I didn't want to hurt you, Raito," you say.

"Really?" I say. "I had no idea it was so difficult for you."

"Don't push."

I sigh. "I'm sorry."

"I need to talk to you," you say.

"What else is there to say?" I wonder. "We've both seen the evidence. We know what I did. I don't remember it and I find it nearly impossible to believe, but there it is. What other explanation could there be? I'm Kira."

"I don't want to talk about that," you say. "Apart from indirectly. Come in the kitchen, I need some tea."

I follow you miserably to the kitchen, start cleaning up the mess while you make tea. I pick up the fridge and put it back in position, fill it with the food that Watari brought. Then I start to scrape up cake from the floor. What the hell was I thinking? No wonder I'm Kira, I'm obviously insane, look what I did, for no reason at all.

"You were talking about the time we were on the roof," you say out of the blue. "When you gave me your coat."

"Yes," I say. What has this got to do with anything?

"Do you remember what else you did?"

"Got wet?"

"Raito, this is difficult for me," you say. "Your flippancy isn't making it easier."

"Raito's flippancy has left the building," I tell you.

You give me a dirty look, then continue. "You – you held me."

"You were cold," I said. "You seemed so alone up there. That's what you said. That you wanted to be there, to be alone. As if I didn't matter."

"Is that what you thought?" you turn to look at me, spoon in hand. "I meant that I could still be alone while you were with me. That you don't disturb my thought processes the same way that other people do."

I think about that. I suppose it's a kind of compliment.

"You'd better get used to being really alone again," I say, as I remember that whatever you think of me, our time together is about to come to an end.

"Do you _want_ to hear what I have to say, Raito?" you look annoyed now.

"Yes," I say. "I suppose so. Forgive me, Ryuuzaki, it all seems a little irrelevant."

"And when have you ever noticed I spend my time talking about irrelevancies?" you say sharply. "To return to my theme – if you _don't_ mind – you held me on the roof. I liked how it felt. I thought about it afterwards and I decided I wanted to have sex with you. It seemed the best way of ensuring the maximum amount of physical contact with you."

I fling the last of the cake into the trash and reach for the mop, slowly, my back to you. I don't want you to see my face.

"Are you _laughing,_ Raito-kun?" you say.

"I'm sorry, Ryuuzaki," I turn to face you, trying to calm the giggles that are threatening to overwhelm me. "It's just – that's the most drab and passionless description of desire I've ever heard in my life. Only you could have come up with that."

"You think I'm drab and passionless?"

"No, not at all," I say, sweeping the mop around the floor, cleaning up cream. "When you kissed me, downstairs – there was passion." I pause, reliving the moment. "Mm – definitely passion. But I think you have difficulty expressing yourself about that kind of thing."

"I'm aware that I sound like an idiot," you say, putting the tea things onto a tray. "Discussing my – my _desire_ for somebody is not something I've ever had to do before. I expect to achieve more facility in the language of romance with practise. I'm a quick study."

"I know," I say, biting my lip to keep the laughter inside. You make a little sound, drawing in your breath.

"Did you burn yourself?" I say.

"No," your face is flushing slightly. "It's just – when you do that – when you bite your lip like that, Raito, it has an extremely profound effect on my libido."

That's it for me. I start to laugh, leaning over the mop, hanging onto it so I won't fall. I laugh until tears are running down my cheeks.

"Are you finished?" you say, eventually, when the shrieks have been reduced to hiccups.

"Um, yes," I tell you. I can see you're offended with me. "I'm sorry, Ryuuzaki. If you had any idea how bizarre this seems to me – "

"I can imagine," you say, stalking out of the kitchen with the tray.

I follow you, sit next to you on the couch, take the cup you pass me.

"How am I to discuss my – my feelings with Raito-kun," you say presently, "If he persists in laughing at me?"

"I'm not laughing at you, Ryuuzaki," I say. "I'm laughing at the situation. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Please go on."

"I may as well put on oversized shoes and an orange wig," you mutter, crossly. "Where was I?"

"Uh, you wanted to have sex with me," I say.

"That idea is not one I've conceived with regard to any other person, Raito-kun," you say, staring into your cup. "But there have been occasions, during the night, when I'm working, when I've thought that I might be more inclined to go to bed if there was someone waiting there for me. And when I think about what kind of person it might be, the similarities between that person and yourself are quite noticeable."

"You imagined you'd like to share your bed with a murderer?" I say.

"Leaving that aside," you say, "Raito-kun has many good qualities. He is extremely intelligent, principled, determined and – and attractive."

"You said you liked my bad temper," I add. "But you didn't like it tonight."

"Raito-kun is not the only person in this room with a temper," you say. "And my need for physical closeness with him does not include beating Raito-kun senseless in order to keep him under control. Even though to be controlled is what he desires."

"I should have expected it," I say. "That you'd be so good. You were just playing with me when we fought before."

"There is no harm in playing, Raito-kun," you put down your cup and shift in your seat, moving a little closer. "The more intelligent and complex an organism becomes, the more need it has for play and distraction. Raito-kun takes himself too seriously at times. I am relieved he does not find himself able to take me seriously at all."

"I said I was sorry – "

"No need to apologise," you say. "I can appreciate the humor of the situation. A man of my intelligence and talents, struggling with a simple declaration of affection. No wonder you find it laughable."

"I don't – "

"Raito-kun said that he loves me."

I fall silent, wondering what you want me to say.

"But before he destroyed my cake, he said that he thinks he was mistaken."

"I was angry," I say, staring down at my hands. "I didn't mean it. I didn't realise how much difficulty you were having with this situation. I thought your attitude toward me meant that you didn't care about me. I thought you were playing me because I care about you. Flirting and getting close to me so I'd confess to you."

"Then how do you explain that I made these advances to you before you had expressed your feelings towards me?"

"You would have known," I say. "It's easy to tell when someone wants you. How they look at you, how much personal space they give you, body language, all those things."

"Raito-kun," you say, "When you thought I was asleep and saw fit to declare your love for me, I was never more surprised in my life."

I look up. "You didn't notice?"

"I noticed that you seemed sad," you say, staring at the ceiling. Your thumb approaches your mouth and I watch in fascination. "I noticed that you were distracted. And that you slept poorly. And didn't eat as much as you did before. Unfortunately, I put these symptoms down to guilt or stress, it didn't occur to me that they could have another cause."

The thumb rests on your lips. Then slides inside. I sigh.

You put your head on one side, look at me enquiringly.

"The thumb sucking," I say. "Biting, whatever. It has the same effect on me that the lip thing does on you."

"It's fortunate that our personal habits are attractive rather than irritating to each other," you say.

"Not really," I say. "It doesn't make any difference now, does it."

"I have no conclusive evidence with which to indicate Raito-kun's guilt," you say.

"But I'm prepared to confess," I say.

"Raito-kun wishes to die?"

"Not particularly," I say. "But if I did all this, if I killed all these people, I should pay for it. No matter what I don't remember, no matter how little I can believe that I did all this, the fact remains that somewhere inside me is a murderer."

"Somewhere inside everyone is a murderer, Raito," you say. "That's part of what being human is, the capacity for violence. Most of the time, most of us restrain that inclination. You did, until you were affected by something that removed the inhibitions you have against killing."

"Nevertheless, I did it," I insist. "So I should – "

"I will decide what should and should not be done, Raito," you interrupt me. "And you will do as I tell you."

"Is this because I desire to be controlled?" I ask. "Although I don't know what gives you that idea."

"Fetch me some cake, Raito," you say.

I'm halfway to the kitchen before I realise and turn around to look at you.

You don't say anything, just raise an eyebrow at me.

"Bastard," I say. Then I go and fetch your cake.

After I give you the cake, I curl up on the couch next to you. We're both silent for a while. I know I should be thinking about my situation but I'm thinking about you.

"I knew Kira," you say, heavily. "Not as well as I know you, Yagami Raito, but well enough. You are not him. Not entirely. I saw you change, in your cell, from the person I knew to somebody else. To the person I know now. The person that would not kill without extreme provocation, even if tempted to do so."

"How can that be?" I say.

"I thought of the power to kill that Kira has, as being a tool, an ability," you say. "Now I'm thinking of it differently. As a kind of – possession. I know that sounds impossibly medieval – "

"You think Kira's some kind of evil spirit?" I ask.

"A demon, perhaps. The second Kira mentioned shinigami. Perhaps Kira is one of those. I don't know. What I do know is, that if you are put to death for these crimes, we are probably only punishing half the criminal."

"But the other half," I say, puzzling over this, "That part is with the third Kira?"

"I don't know, Raito."

"You must think I'm weak," I say. "To be taken over by some entity like that."

"Not weak, no, Raito, I'd never call you that."

"You say I want to be controlled."

"The desire to be dominated doesn't necessarily mean weakness," you say. "It can indicate the need for someone to respect and belong to. It seems to me that Kira manipulated tendencies that you have and turned them into something else. Your idealism became a conscienceless and ruthless drive to cleanse the world of crime by killing all the criminals. Your arrogance and insecurity were warped into the belief that you could be a god, untouchable and above reproach."

"I don't feel like that now," I say. "I don't feel a bit godlike. I feel like shit."

"You can never stop people being human," you say, thoughtfully. "That was your mistake. You would have had to kill everybody."

"I suppose so," I say. "I mean, I understand what you're saying. If everybody _could_ be a criminal, given the right circumstances, then there are no completely good and innocent people to keep alive – Kira's whole premise was nonsensical. Mad."

"Foolish," you say. "Immature and thoughtless."

"Thanks."

"You're only eighteen, Raito, and despite your unique intelligence, you haven't the experience to deal with something like that, something evil taking over your mind and making it seem as if your actions were justified."

"If I was a good person," I begin, then see how you're looking at me. "Okay, there are no good people."

"Of course there are good people, Raito," you say, a little impatiently. "But it's a matter of choice. You aren't just born good or bad and if you achieve one or other of those states it doesn't necessarily mean that you'll stay that way for ever. Even Kira knew that, he didn't make a point of killing those who seemed to repent of their crimes or who had mitigating circumstances."

"So is Kira necessarily such a bad – " I start to say.

"Don't think it," you say. "Kira killed other people too. FBI agents, police, people who would theoretically be on the same side as him. That, Raito, is one of the reasons why I don't believe you were completely in control of your actions. You are too intelligent not to have worked out that you would have to do that sooner or later."

"Maybe I just didn't care about it," I say.

"At the time, I'm sure you didn't," you say. "But that was Kira, not you. And you would have killed me, can you tell me you would have wanted to do that?"

"No!" I exclaim. "No, I'd never want to do that, Ryuu, you're the most important thing in my life!"

"So it wasn't you," you say, staring at the ceiling. "Not entirely."

"What are you saying, Ryuuzaki?" I ask. "You can't justify what I did by saying I wasn't in my right mind. I must have the kind of mind that could conceive of doing those things."

"You do," you say. "You're intelligent, idealistic, arrogant, competitive, manipulative and a liar."

"I haven't lied to you for – for days!" I protest. "And you lie to me all the time, only today you lied to me about wanting me to be the next L."

"Which only goes to show how much we have in common, Raito," you say. "Because the description I just gave of you, could equally as well be applied to myself."

"At least I have social skills," I mutter.

You laugh. "Yes, you do, Raito-kun, and that is one reason why I have a better idea than having you put to death."

"Better?" I say. "But – "

"Raito-kun offered to pay for his crimes with his life," you say. "But perhaps he would be better employed in atoning for them."

"Atoning? How?"

"My offer still stands for you to come with me when I leave, Raito," you say. "You could work for me. It's not as humanitarian as joining VSO or the Red Cross, but I think I can say I'm usually on the side of the angels. And I feel I could find room for a fallen one within my organisation."

"Work for you?"

"You've probably noticed my, um, people skills are not of the best, Raito. And Watari is getting older, he may want to retire at some point. It would be helpful to me to have someone around who is not only as capable as I am of dealing with my casework, but who has the ability to charm the birds out of the trees if he so wishes."

"But then you won't win, Ryuuzaki," I say. "The case won't ever be completely closed – and you hate to lose."

"You will not have won either, Raito," you lean toward me, " And given the other factors involved here, I think I am inclined to settle for a draw."

"What other factors?" I ask, shifting so that our hands are just touching on the couch.

"You, um, love me," you say.

"That's one factor, Ryuuzaki," I prompt, when you don't seem about to say any more.

"Yes," you hang your head, black cloud of hair obscuring your face, but what I can see has a slightly pink tinge to it. "Also I wish Raito-kun to come live with me so that I do not have to be alone and remember a time when I was not alone, but had enjoyable company."

I look at you. You stay as you are, staring at our hands on the couch.

"Is any of this true, Ryuuzaki?" I ask.

You look up, indignantly. "All of it is true, Raito-kun!"

"I have to be sure," I say, my mind running over all the possibilities, estimating, theorising. planning. "You lie to me so often – "

"Raito – "

"No, listen to me," I gently put my fingers across your lips. "What I said before, about killing myself, I take it back. If you want to arrest me, have me brought to trial, I'll do what you want."

"I don't – "

"Shhh!" I lean forward, press my lips to yours briefly, and while that has you disconcerted, I continue. "If you want me to have sex with you, if that's why you're saying all these things, I'll do it anyway. I'll do whatever you want."

"You would – "

"I'd be glad to," I say. "Even if you plan to kill me. Don't you think I'd like to have one happy memory to think about while I'm waiting on Death Row?" I smile at you, your beautiful face, the curve of your neck sweeping into your baggy shirt, the half-shy, half-surprised expression on your face.

"So now you can tell me the truth," I say. "Because you'll get what you want either way."

You lean across, return my kiss to me, brushing your lips across mine. Before I can reach for you, you're gone.

"I have already told you the truth, Rai-chan," you murmur.

I smile at you. I almost feel it's wrong to be so happy after all I've done, all we've talked about. But I can't help it. The thought of being with you, sharing my life with you, I'm starting to believe I'm asleep and dreaming, surely this isn't really happening?

"We should go to bed, Raito," you say. "I'm a patient man, but – "

"No you're not!" I protest.

"Very well, I'm not, so don't keep me waiting any longer!"

You get up and go toward the bedroom and I follow you. I'm going to have sex with you. I'm going to have sex with Ryuuzaki! And I'm aware that I sound like my sister rhapsodising over the real Ryuga Hideki and I don't give a damn. Pride and arrogance have eloped together and they can stay gone as far as I'm concerned.


	10. Temptation

_I've never been closer_

_I've tried to understand_

_That certain feeling_

_Carved by another's hand_

_But it's too late to hesitate_

_We can't keep on living like this_

_Leave no track_

_Don't look back_

_You've got to make me an offer_

_That cannot be ignored_

_So let's head for home now_

_Everything I have is yours_

_Step by step and day by day_

_Every second counts I can't break away_

_Leave no trace_

_Hide your face_

_All I desire_

_Keep climbing higher and higher_

_Adorable creatures_

_With unacceptable features_

_Trouble is coming_

_It's just the high cost of loving_

_You can take it or leave it_

_But you'd better believe it_

_Okay, this is a very long chapter. Primarily because the guys won't stop talking and get on with it. Also L lost the mood and had to be bribed with – something XD _

_After this, I'll be taking a break from posting this story. Not from writing it – but I decided in the end to post both endings. So I need to write them both, which will take a little while._

_The sticky thing – well, that is autobiographical. Ouch XD_

_Thanks a million to everyone who's reviewed – I have a bad cold just now, following on straight after another one, it's plague season round here. So I'm a bit behind with the mail but I'll get to it if anyone's wondering why I haven't replied :)_

_Lyric and title – Temptation by Heaven 17. The Cradle of Filth version is good too. _

_SPOILERS: Nothing much in here, but you need to have read the manga/seen the anime to understand what they're talking about._

_DISCLAIMER: Death note and its characters are not mine. Only this story is mine._

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You walk into the bedroom and stop dead. Staring at the bed, your back to me. I wait. After a moment you glance back at me. I'm surprised – all day long you've been L, you've been the detective that wants my – that I thought wanted my death. It's been as if the innocent guy from the park, the sweet man who screamed when I tickled him in the bath, was someone I just imagined. But here he is again. Looking, quite frankly, scared to death.

I take a step forward, put my arms around you like I did up on the roof, leaning my face into your hair. You turn to me, the way you did on the roof, but this time you don't pull away, instead subside into my arms with a sigh.

"Eru-chan," I murmur.

"Raito."

"This control you have over me?"

"Hmm," you mutter into my shoulder.

"Would it be too difficult for you to give it up for a while?"

You straighten up, look into my eyes. "That seems a sensible suggestion. Since between the pair of us, Raito-kun is the only one who has any idea what to do in this situation."

"Sweet Eru," I murmur, pulling you closer, wrapping you up in my arms. "My angel, my passion – don't be afraid. I would never hurt you."

"Raito – " you say again, so quietly I can hardly hear you. Then you lift your face to me and I smile. You are so adorable, your eyes wondering, questioning me.

"I love you, aijin," I say. "I love you more than anything."

"Raito-kun is poetic," you say.

"One of us should be, don't you think?"

You smile, almost sadly. "Raito-kun is Kira."

"Was."

"May be again," you say. "We have already concluded that Yagami Raito, if he believed himself to be right in his actions as Kira, would not leave himself in a position where he would lose his godlike ability to kill and never regain it."

"What are you saying?" I ask you.

"I feel desire for you, Raito-kun," you slide one hand up between us, your finger pulling at your lip. "I feel a need for your companionship. I am hesitant to call this love. I don't know exactly what that is, but I know I am reluctant to feel such a thing for Kira."

I sigh. "Whatever, Ryuuzaki. Love me, don't love me, I'll take what I can get."

"Raito-kun is angry now."

"No," I shake my head. "Not angry. You didn't say you loved me. And I didn't expect it. This is more than I hoped for."

"I wanted to wait until the case was resolved, one way or the other," you mutter, eyes not meeting mine. "And then I realised that was foolish. If one or other of us is dead, this could never happen. If you were Kira again, neither of us would want it. It's selfish of me, but I want us to be together while I have no doubt that you are exactly who you say you are. Yagami Raito."

"Then what are we waiting for?" I say, pulling you closer to me, our bodies pressed together, close, warm.

You shake your head and I don't know what to do. You're sad, disappointed, I hate what I've done. If I did it – no, I have to admit it.

"I've never really done anything wrong," I murmur in your ear. "Before this, I mean. I've always done my best to fit in with people. Not like you, Ryuuzaki. You just do whatever you like and everyone has to go along with it. I've always tried to do things right, to do what people expect."

"When you finally decide to go off the rails, Raito-kun," you whisper back to me, "you certainly put your heart and soul into it."

"I don't know what to do." I say. "It's hard to accept something you don't remember doing. Especially when it's something no sane person would want to know that they did."

"Forget about it, Raito-kun," you suggest.

"Huh?"

"Just forget about it for now," you twine your arms around my neck. "Don't you have anything else to think about?"

"You deserve someone better," I say, tempted beyond belief, your eyes looking into mine, your lips just inches away.

"Too bad for me," you smile. "There is nobody better."

I stare at you. Did you just say that? And while I'm staring, you lean in and press your lips to mine and I'm lost.

Like when we kissed before, I can tell you never had much practise – it's enthusiastic but it's messy. And it's driving me wild anyway, what would this be like if you knew what you were doing? I reach up and take your face between my hands and slowly, deliciously, I teach you how to do it properly. God, you learn fast!

"Must be all that cake," I mutter as we catch a breath.

"Hmm?"

"Oral fixation," I say. "Kissing. Eating."

"Raito-kun is unintelligible."

"No wonder." I slide my hands down your slender body, under the hem of your t-shirt, lifting it, feel the warm skin beneath. You shudder and that arouses me more, I pull the t-shirt up over your head, throw it to the floor, bending to run my tongue down your neck, tracing the gentle curve of muscle over onto your shoulder. Your arms tighten around me and I smile, licking down your pale chest, pale like porcelain, capturing your small, rosy nipple in my mouth.

You gasp as I pleasure your nipples, moving from one to another, flicking with my tongue, sucking and gently nibbling at them. Your hands are clutched in my shirt, pulling at me and I can feel you trembling against me. I'm on fire here, and I want the same for you. I slide one hand around your legs, the other round your back and pick you up in my arms. Take two steps and lay you down on the bed.

"What are you doing, Raito-kun?" you look up at me, wonderingly

"What you asked me to, Eru-chan," I tease you, as I unfasten the button of your jeans. You're silent as I pull down the zipper, remove pants and underwear all in one.

I look at you. You're thin, but not wasted. Sculpted. No spare flesh, nothing too soft. Pale creamy skin, apart from the dark clump of hair at your groin, trailing away a little up toward your navel.

"Raito-kun has seen me before," you interrupt my musings. "Why does he need to stare at me now?"

I glance up at you, see you're not pale everywhere, in fact there's a definite blush forming on your face.

"I like to look at you, Eru-chan," I say. "You're beautiful. Delicate." I lay my hand on your thigh, slide it up over your hip, curling into your slim, almost girlish waist. That thought is probably something I won't mention.

"Delicate?" you seem in two minds about that. "What did you expect, Mr Beefcake?"

I burst out laughing. "Um, no, Ryuuzaki, of course not. Why would I want that? You're perfect as you are. My sweet Snow White."

"Bad analogy, Raito," you mutter. "I don't like to think of apples."

"Are you not enjoying this, Ryuuzaki?" I say, slightly irritated. "You don't seem exactly in the mood."

"I don't know." you stick your finger in your mouth, talk around it. Bad sign. "Being examined like this, it seems so – personal."

"It's supposed to be personal, Ryuuzaki!" I say. "You want to be my lover and you don't want me to look at you?"

"I suppose it does seem as if I'm being awkward," you say, looking anywhere but at me.

"You're just nervous because you've never done this before," I say. "It's perfectly normal." Am I trying to convince myself or you? I don't want to be angry with you. But I need to find some way to recover this deteriorating situation. What would you like? What would make you –

"Wait," I say, glad you haven't chained us back together. "Get into bed. I'll be back soon."

I hurry into the kitchen. Pour coffee and warm it up in the microwave. Get the cake from the fridge and dither over what size slice to cut. The last thing I want to do is make you sick.

Placing cake, cups, sugar and cream on a tray, I take it all back into the bedroom. You're under the covers, your hair sticking out every which way around your pale face, huge questioning eyes watching me, you look like a sleepless three year old. Shit, I'm a paedophile.

I put the tray down, add cream and sugar to your coffee and pass it to you.

"Is this normal too, Raito-kun?" you ask, taking a sip.

"Are you normal, Ryuuzaki?"

You seem to give that serious consideration. "Probably not."

"Then this doesn't have to be," I smile at you. "I understand you, Ryuuzaki. I know what you'll like."

"Cake?" you say, reaching for it.

I shake my head and move the plate away from your questing hand, aware that it's a dangerous move.

"Raito-kun is teasing me?" you give me a look on the edge of annoyance.

"Uh huh. Not teasing."

"He is keeping my cake from me."

"Just for a moment. Be patient."

"I thought we had already agreed that patience is not one of my – oh."

You stare as I stand and pull off the t-shirt you lent me. Then unbutton the baggy jeans and push them down over my hips. Not slowly and seductively the way I did last night. I know you won't wait that long for your cake.

I pick up the plate and fork and kneel beside the bed. Cut a small piece of cake and hold it out to you.

You smile and take it in your mouth.

I can see you relax, becoming comfortable as I feed you cake, your eyes constantly moving from the plate to me.

"What is this about, Raito?" you ask, presently.

"Things that give you pleasure, Ryuuzaki."

"Cake?"

"Yes."

"And you?"

"Think of me as an extra-large slice of cake, if you want."

You smile. "I don't think even I could manage a piece that big, Raito."

"You don't need to have it all at once," I say. "And since I presume you don't plan to literally devour some part of me, you can have your cake and eat it too."

"Raito!" you start to giggle. "That sounds – dirty!"

"It's meant to." I grin at you.

"So you're offering me the equivalent of everlasting cake," you say, thoughtfully.

"Mm," I say. "Something nice that you can use for your pleasure."

You give a little gasp at that.

"Something that belongs to you," I suggest.

You stare at me, those dark intense eyes fixed on mine. I've got you now.

"Raito-kun does not want to be in control of me," you say through the last mouthful of cake.

"Not really," I tell you. "I'd rather you do what you want."

"Even if I do not know what I want to do?"

"You're a genius, my angel. You'll work it out."

You laugh. "Why do I feel that you are manipulating the situation, Raito-kun?"

"Does it matter?" I say. "As long as we both get what we want?"

"What do _you_ want, Raito?" you ask, leaning toward me as I put the plate back down on the table.

"I want to make you happy," I say. I want to get in bed with you, kiss you, hold you, fuck you, feel my mouth all _over_ you, I think but don't say. Maybe you see it in my eyes, because yours widen.

"Make me happy," you murmur, thumb going to your lips, eyes rolling upward, thinking.

"I love you," I say. "So of course I want to make you happy."

"That's what love is?" you ask.

"There's more to it than that. But yes." I'm getting cold here, naked on the floor and I so much want to be wrapped in the covers with you, next to you. But I'm not going to get into bed until you tell me to. It's not that you _want_ to control me. It's not that I'm happy to let you. It's something you _need_ and without it you're too uneasy for us ever to get any further. So I wait for you to work out what you want to do.

"You should get into bed with me, Raito," you say, as if reading my mind. "You're cold."

"Thank you, Eru-kun," I say, climbing over you and getting in on my side. I pull the covers up, then you roll over and pull them down again. How is that helping me not to be cold, I wonder.

"I wish to examine my possession," you say.

I laugh and look up at you, lacing my hands together behind my head. You don't respond to my amusement, kneeling beside me, a serious look on your face. Then you start to touch me. One finger, running over my abdomen, up to my chest, back down again. I reach for you but you take my hands and put them back where they were.

"Raito-kun will be still," you murmur, absently.

I shiver as you stroke me, both hands on me, exploring, learning me. Your eyes intent on me. Glancing up at my face as I sigh at your touch, murmur as your thin, elegant fingers sweep over my nipples caressingly. You smile then. It's not a particularly nice smile and I wonder why, then I find out as your thumbs and forefingers clasp around my nipples. And pinch.

I give a little cry and I don't know if it's pain or pleasure. Your fingers are strong, I know that, you hold everything that way. You could really hurt me. I'm getting hard at the thought. I start to wonder in some kind of dazed way, just how perverse I actually am. What I'd do if you demanded it of me. If there's anything I _wouldn't_ do...

You bend down suddenly, releasing my nipples then applying your mouth to them. Within moments I'm a quivering wreck, especially when you let a hand stray down to my groin, fingers running around the top of my thighs, curling through my pubic hair. But your mouth, working on me – the mouth that can tie cherry stems and make eating a doughnut X-rated – I'm beside myself, moaning and begging you for more.

You oblige me, running your tongue down my body, teasing me, I have to touch you now, I reach down to grip your shoulders and this time you don't tell me to stop.

Your tongue, the very tip of your tongue, slides around the head of my cock and I groan. I hear you laugh to yourself and then your mouth is on me and I writhe as you lick me, suck me, your tongue dancing over my sensitive skin, licking up and down me like one of your lollipops, lapping at me like licking chocolate icing off a cupcake – and remind me, which one of us has the food fetish?

You stop abruptly, leaving me hanging. I don't get time to protest before you're gone, out of the room. Where did you go? I wait, impatiently, until you come back with a bottle of hand lotion and – the chain? What kinky shit do you have in mind? I'm about to ask and then I get a good look at you as you come over to the bed.

"Ohhh..." I say, my jaw dropping.

"Hmm?" you ask me, putting the bottle down, unwinding the chain.

"Ryuuzaki, you are so – hung!" I say, unabashedly gawking.

"Shhh," you say, but I don't miss the smirk.

So, you don't want me to move, you don't want me to speak. Do you want me to be your sex-doll? You really are a strange man, and this is me saying this, Yagami Raito who apparently thinks that mass-murder is a fun pursuit for your spare time.

"Turn over," you say.

"Huh?"

"Turn over. Quick."

I roll over onto my stomach and you grab my wrist, snap the handcuff on. Wind the chain round the bedhead, the second cuff on my other wrist before I can object or say anything.

"What – " I begin.

"You said I should do what I want," you say. "This is what I want."

Okay, I think, it's not so bad, at least you don't seem to have any whips or paddles or nipple-clamps around. But I have to admit I'm disappointed. It's not quite what I imagined.

You stand by the bed, looking at me. Then pull the pillow out from under my head, slide an arm under my hips, raising me and slip the pillow underneath. You nod as if satisfied with your arrangements. The whole situation is getting to me now, I feel helpless, immobilised, and my body's responding with a building wave of desire that makes me moan as you climb onto the bed behind me.

"Raito-kun is aroused by this," you comment.

"Mmm," I say.

"Hmm," you reply, then I feel you touching me, your hand at my entrance, slick and wet. I moan, overwhelmed at the thought you're actually touching me there. One of the highest concentrations of nerve endings in the human body, my mind supplies me with the information. Your finger slides into me quite roughly but I like it, it's something I've done for myself. You seem to realise I'm not unfamiliar with the sensation and quickly slide in another finger, then one more, pushing them in and out of me, deeper, until they graze against my prostate, sudden ecstasy making me cry out and push myself back against you.

I can hear your harsh breathing as you prepare me, your other hand sliding under me to grasp my needy erection, pumping me. I press into your hand, grateful.

You move away from me momentarily, all sensations ceasing and I crane my neck around to look at you, see you lubing yourself, face concentrated and serious.

"Yes," I murmur.

"Raito-kun is my bitch," you remark, conversationally.

"Um... yes..." I say.

"Kira is my bitch," you add.

"Er... " I don't really want to continue this, I thought you were strange already, but you just hit new heights. Or perhaps depths.

"Kira is my plaything," you sound inappropriately cheerful about this as you turn back to me. I get a glimpse of your impressive asset and start to wonder, far too late, if I can actually take all of that. It's a lot bigger than fingers.

"Uh, Ryuuzaki – " I begin, then my words are lost in a yell of pain as you push into me, hard.

"Ow!" you say and I have just sense enough to wonder what the hell you have to complain about before my thoughts are shattered by your thrusts, my protest apparently not having discouraged you at all. You don't go easy on me, your huge, stiff cock stretching me, driving in until you're completely seated inside me and before I can get used to that, you start to pound my ass fiercely, your hands gripping my hips, pulling me back onto you as I try to get away, to get comfortable at least.

The pain is horrible, but it doesn't last too long, it's getting easier and as my moans of distress die away I can hear you, little murmurs of pleasure, harsh grunts each time you push forward into me. It sounds good and suddenly I'm getting off on the sheer sleaziness of it all, you pleasuring yourself with me, using me – because that's what I feel you're doing. And you never said it would be anything more than that.

You shift slightly and connect with my pleasure centre on your next thrust. I moan with delight, moving against you, wanting more. You don't make an effort to repeat the act, but every so often it happens and I'm writhing, rubbing myself against the pillow underneath me, needing release.

I feel your already overlarge cock swelling in me, and I know you're close.

"Touch me, Eru!" I ask. "Please!"

"Kira is begging me," you say. I have time to think to myself what a pervert you are, before your hand moves round me, clutching me hard, sliding up and down my length as you thrust even harder into me, giving a muffled cry of pleasure as you cum in me, I can feel it and the heat of it drives me over the edge, pushing myself into your hand, my seed spurting out over your fingers and the pillow.

You sigh and pull out of me. Push me down onto the bed and lay beside me.

Then the tears start. I try to hold them in, I really do, but my eyes are stinging and I sniff, hating myself for the weakness. I turn my face so you can't see it, then I'm unfastened, my wrists free and you're holding me. Your unnaturally strong hand slides under my head, turning me to face you.

"I don't want tears, Raito-kun," you whisper. "I'll think you didn't like it."

"I did," I say, wanting to reassure you, although I'm not sure now, in the aftermath. It was naughty and dirty and sexy, you taking your own pleasure from me, wrapped up in the new sensations you were exploring. But ultimately it left me feeling as alone as if I'd taken my hand to myself and I didn't like that at all.

You stare into my eyes, I can hardly see you through the tears. Then you pull me closer and kiss me. Warm, friendly, gentle kisses, your lips moving gently on mine, your tongue just brushing the curve of my mouth.

It feels good. I relax into your arms, realising how tense I'd been before. Kiss you back, my whole body seeming to absorb the heat of you, the feel of you against me, smooth, sweat-slicked skin pressed against mine, every curve and hollow of your frame fitting me perfectly.

"God, I love you!" I exclaim into your mouth.

"I appreciate the compliment to my skill, Raito, but it's not necessary to call me God," you murmur.

I laugh, then. Lean over you and kiss you with more passion, my tongue demanding entry to your mouth. You let me, your arms tightening around me, one leg hooked around the back of mine.

"What do you want?" you gasp, pulling away a little.

"Want?" I say, dazed with you, drunk on you.

"Obviously you didn't want what I did, Raito. It made you cry."

"No, Eru-chan, not that. Not you. I told you, it's me. It's just what happens to me."

"Why?" your eyes are on mine, that killer stare that always hooks out the truth from me lately, whether I want to tell it to you or not.

"I'm – I'm lonely," I mutter, dropping my gaze from yours.

"But I am here with you now, Raito?" you sound hurt and I look back at you, biting my lip, annoyed with myself.

"I know," I say. "It's just – I didn't feel very close to you like I thought I would."

"Because it was just sex to me?" you are so fucking observant, sometimes I wish – no, it's one of the things that makes me love you. I wouldn't have you any different.

"Yes," I say. "I suppose so."

"Raito, you're asking something of me that I don't want to give."

"I'm not asking," I shake my head. "I'm not. But there's no point telling me not to feel alone when I just do."

"Perhaps this is a mistake," you say.

"No!" I lean up on my elbows, looking down at you. "It's not – it's not a mistake and it's not something we can fix. We both feel differently about each other but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy what we have."

"I find it hard, Raito, to believe you're enjoying it when you are weeping and looking depressed."

"I did like it at the time," I say.

You pull me down, half on top of you. Whisper in my ear.

"I did not want to look at Raito-kun while I was doing – that."

"Don't you like how I look?" What now? I thought my looks must be what made you want this in the first place.

"I have already told Raito-kun that I think he is attractive."

"Maybe you were just being kind," I say, wondering what's going on here. How can you be making me insecure about how I look? I mean – I look _great_. Don't I? Everyone _else_ seems to think so!

"I would not lie about such a thing," you say. "Why would I be here with you, like this, if I found you unattractive?"

"Because we're friends?" I suggest. "Because we get on so well – most of the time. Because I'm available? Because you fancy the thrill of sleeping with Kira?"

"Now Raito-kun is being unpleasant," you say, pushing me away.

"Yes, I am," I agree, not mentioning the things you said in the heat of the moment. "I'm sorry."

"Raito-kun is most definitely a bitch," you remark, giving me a nasty look. "In every sense of the word. And I realise that I phrased my explanation wrongly. I wanted to look at Raito-kun, but I did not want him to see me."

"Why not?" I ask, snuggling closer again. "Were you embarrassed that I'd see you aroused?"

"No, Raito," you say, sadly. "I did not want you to see me naked."

"We'll have a hard time being lovers, if that bothers you," I say, cuddling my face into your neck, kissing the soft skin. "I've seen you naked in the bath. And the shower. What's the difference?"

"Raito-kun is the most attractive person I have ever met," you say. "I did not want him to watch me and be aware that I have nothing similar to offer him."

"What are you talking about, Ryuuzaki?" I prop myself up, staring at you. "Don't you believe me when I tell you you're beautiful?"

"Raito-kun and I share many personality traits," you say, gloomily, not looking at me. "We are evenly matched in intellect. But when it comes to physical appearance, I am not his equal."

I raise my eyebrows in surprise. L is worried about his appearance? What the fuck?

"Is this competitiveness?" I ask.

"No, Raito, I don't mind that you're better looking." you say. "I like it. If you are mine, I like it."

"I am yours," I say. "And Eru-chan, you're gorgeous."

Your eyes meet mine and I can see the wariness in them. "Raito, you're just being kind to me."

"No I'm not!" I say, running my fingers over your cheek, up into your hair. "I never get tired of looking at you. You fascinate me – you're unique and beautiful."

"You said that before..." you murmur.

"It's true," I say. "Your eyes, your lips, your perfect body, I love all of it, I can't get enough of seeing you, watching you."

"Love is blind," you say, dryly.

"Justice too," I mutter, reminded of a dream.

"I think pure justice is something we have left behind now," you say, half regretfully. "If that was what I wanted, sleeping with Kira wouldn't be the first thing it occurred to me to do."

"I'm sorry, Eru," I say. "I can't put that right."

"Yagami Raito loves me," you say, shifting slightly so you're more under me than at the side. "But Kira – if he returns, what will he do, Raito? What would he want to do with L?"

I don't want to say it. But your eyes rip the truth from me.

"He'd want to kill you, Ryuuzaki." I say. "But I – I wouldn't let that happen."

"You think you could stop him?" your hand slides up my side, stroking gently. "You didn't stop him the last time."

"Eru-chan," I murmur, suddenly driven to confess. "My beloved – I don't remember. I don't know exactly what happened. But I know me and how I am. I would have wanted to be Kira. Because I had nothing. Nothing that made my life worth living. Given that I lost my conscience and sense of right and wrong, I believe I would have – embraced it. The challenge and the power. The freedom from consequences."

"That is exactly why I believed you to be Kira in the first place," you nod, agreeing with me, but your hand doesn't stop its soothing circling on my body. "You believe now that it's wrong to kill. Without that, there is nothing to stop you."

"Yes, there is," I say, leaning closer to you. "Now I have something else to live for, Ryuuzaki. Something more important to me than wallowing in a pile of dead corpses."

"You think love is stronger than the lure of power?" you raise an eyebrow sceptically.

"Mine is," I say.

You laugh. "My Raito – you believe yourself capable of anything."

"I believe myself capable of protecting you from myself, Ryuuzaki," I say, my hand twined in your hair, running the silk strands through my fingers. "If you still want to be with me. Now you know how evil I really am."

"Evil, good, I don't know," you say. "It's all relative. Some people think Kira is a good thing. Society as a whole and its laws say that they're wrong."

"And you, Eru-chan?" I say, seeking the only opinion that matters to me.

"I think it's disgusting, Raito," you say. "To be so obsessed with death. I think it would be bad for you. For anyone. And I think I'm in danger."

"From me?" I ask.

"Why do you love me?" you ask, avoiding my question. "I've imprisoned you, chained you, lied to you, tricked you, threatened you with death and humiliated you. So why?"

"I like the chain," I say, smiling down at you. Your hand caressing me is having an effect and I want to change the mood. "I like it because it means I get to be with you. And that's all I want."

"Answer me, Raito-kun," you say. Looks like you're the only one that gets away with avoidance.

"I don't love everything you do," I say. "I don't even love everything you are. I think you're cruel. Heartless, even, at times. Selfish. Childish. Depressingly antisocial. Obsessed with being right, to the point where you don't care what methods you use to prove it. And I hate that you take so little care of yourself, you always look a mess like – like an abandoned child."

You blink at that. "I was an abandoned child," you say. "And I take better care of myself when I'm at home. I'm uncomfortable being amongst other people."

I bite my lip as I look down at you, thinking about this. I see your gaze drop to my mouth, then your delicious pointed tongue comes out, licks your own lips. I know what you're thinking. You want to bite me that way, don't you? I can read you – speaking of which –

"This isn't you, is it, Eru?" I say. "This persona, the eccentric we all think of as L, this isn't you."

"It is me, Raito," you say, your other hand coming up now, tracing up my arm to my shoulder. "It's me as I was. I developed a number of comfort mechanisms as a child. Normally I don't need them any more."

"But they're useful in encouraging people to underestimate you," I say.

"Raito-kun's intelligence and deductive abilities never fail to amaze me," you say. "So, now we know all the reasons you might _not_ love me, why _do_ you?"

I sigh. You're not going to let this drop. "People have been asking what love is for millennia, Ryuuzaki. Why do you suddenly expect me to be able to answer the question?"

"I don't care about anyone else," you say. Well, never a truer word spoken. "I care about you. What you think about how you feel about me. I don't expect a philosophical answer. Just a personal one."

"I gave you everything," I say, thinking about it. "I told you I believe myself to be Kira. I told you why. I gave you my life to do what you want with it."

"So your love is sacrifice?"

"It has that potential," I say. "Without that, it's just lust. Desire. Possessiveness."

"I have given up the thought of arresting you," you say, pulling me down to lie on top of you. "That was important to me."

"I know it was, Ryuuzaki," I say, distracted by the feel of you underneath me. "I know – I mean, I understand how much your reputation means to you. It means a lot to me too. You're L and you're justice and I respect you for that."

"Do you love me because I'm L?"

"No, baka," I say, laughing. "L is just an idea. An ideal. You're more than that. You're sweet and funny and cute and adorable."

"I'm those things?" you look amazed.

"All those things. And beautiful too. I can get into a state just looking at you. Just thinking about you."

"What kind of state?" your eyes flash a glint of mischief.

"The state I'm in now," I say, shifting my hips slightly, my renewed erection pressing against your thigh.

"Kira would hate this," you say. "That you subjugate yourself to me, emotionally and physically. He would want to punish me."

"I'm not subjugated," I say, smiling at you. "Do you really think I'm so submissive? I respect you and I want to please you and yes, I'll go fetch you cake when you tell me to, but I don't think of us as anything but equals."

"Even though you were so satisfied when I beat you after you destroyed my kitchen?"

"Even though," I say. "I may have a need to be dominated. But you have a need to do it. So we're both slaves to our desires."

"Now that you mention desire," you say, with a low laugh, "I gather from your physical state that you are feeling that at the moment?"

"Mmm," I say, running my tongue along the line of your jaw.

"Fuck me," you say, shocking me. I push myself up, staring into your eyes in astonishment.

You look up at me, expressionless.

"What?" I say, after a few moments.

"Screw me," you say. I can feel myself blushing, why am _I_ blushing when you're the one saying these things.

"A – are you sure?" I mutter.

"You know I want you to, Raito," you say as mundanely as if you're asking me to pick up some wasabi from the market. "I told you. Downstairs."

"Um – " I say. I suppose you did hint at it – but I'd forgotten.

"Don't you want to?" you say. "Are you only interested in taking it?"

"No, I want to," I say, feeling hot all over.

"I'll let you look at me, Rai-chan," you murmur, and my blush intensifies at the unexpected endearment. "You can watch me all the time we're doing it."

"Uuuh!" I murmur, grinding my hips against you. God, you know how to arouse me. How do you do that?

You wrap your arms around my neck and pull me down to you, capturing my lips, your tongue demanding entrance to my mouth, twining around mine. I feel you moving under me and I lift myself so you can wrap your legs around me. Even sinking into the hot fog of desire, I'm amused that submission is not in your nature... you want me on top, but you're going to decide exactly how it happens.

Your hands are in my hair, gently pulling, stroking. Then you suck my bottom lip into your mouth and I moan at the pressure, the movement, the indescribably pleasure of your expert lips. You spend all day sucking or licking at one or another kind of food item and it shows. Then your teeth gently grasp my lip and I'm gone.

"I want you, Eru-chan!" I gasp out. "I want you now!"

"Hmm... do me then," you murmur, sounding pleased. With yourself or with me?

I reach for the lotion, then pull back away from you. Grab the pillow.

"Lift up," I say. You raise your hips off the bed and I put the pillow underneath, lifting your legs so your feet are on my shoulders. Looking at you, I feel as if I'm going to climax there and then.

"You like me like this," you say, smirking at me.

I smile back at you. "I love you like this."

I squeeze some lotion onto my fingers, gently touch you, soft folds beneath my fingers, your gasp at the unfamiliar sensation. I add more lotion before I press two fingers into you. It was so painful when you entered me – I don't want you to go through that. I'm desperate to be inside you but I force myself to go slowly, sliding my fingers into you gradually, squeezing out more lube from the bottle when it seems needed.

I squirt some lotion on my other hand and wrap it round your cock, making your gentle hisses and murmurs turn to an all-out moan. Louder than when you were inside me, is this really what you want? That must be hard for you – to be so dominant and yet to want this.

I take my time, stretching you, working you loose, finding your pleasure centre and letting my fingers brush over it. You're writhing on the bed by the time I'm done, sweaty and flushed, little cries of delight coming from your kiss-bruised lips. I never saw anything so arousing. Too arousing. I need to get inside you before I have nothing left to do it with.

I pull out my fingers, causing a pout, then position myself closer to you, between your outstretched thighs. That gets me a smile. You give a muted cry as I enter you, your arms stretched out to the sides, hands clutching at the bed. Then you slide your legs down off my shoulders, wrap them around me, pulling me to you as I slowly push myself into you. It's tight, tighter than I expected, almost painful and it takes all my self control not to just push into you, sheathe myself in you completely, especially since you seem to be urging me to do just that. But I won't hurt you – I ease myself into you, angling to hit the spot I found with my fingers, causing you to rise off the bed, moaning loudly, muttering things I don't understand until my preoccupied mind realises I'm hearing English.

"Yes, yes, yes," you murmur, pushing yourself onto me. "Please, Light. More, please, Light..."

"Unnnn!" I say, now I've mentally switched languages and understand the words, they're making it worse for me. I pick up the pace, not just entering you now, fucking you, pulling out and driving back in, making you cry out with pleasure and reach up to me, your hands grasping my shoulders, fingers digging in, nails raking me. I'm moaning myself with every thrust now, looking down at you, your sweat-stranded hair flopping over your forehead, I catch your gaze and you stare up at me, your lust-glazed eyes open, unguarded, the contact intimate like a kiss.

"Light," you say, gasping it at me.

"L," I answer you.

"Love me, Light," you say, your eyes big enough to fall down into.

"I love you, L," I say, breathless, on the edge. Then you raise an eyebrow at me and _squeeze_ me, your hot, slippery muscles contracting around my shaft, over and over, milking me – I can't stand it, I drive myself into you, fuck you hard and desperately, feeling my climax overtaking me, calling out your name again as I shoot my seed deep into you, and you scream as your own orgasm hits you, hot jets spurting out from your cock, splattering over both of us, your eyes still on mine, my name on your lips.

I collapse on top of you, I can't hold myself up any more. I lay on you, my breathing ragged, your arms coming up around me, holding me to you. I feel like I'm in Heaven. I hug you against me, my cheek against yours, whispering in your ear.

"Lovely Eru... beautiful Tenshi..."

"You see me in a strange way, Raito," you say, sleepily.

"Hm?"

"Nobody else has ever thought of me as beautiful and sweet."

"Nobody knows you like I do, koibito."

"Raito."

"Mmm."

Some time later I jerk awake from a half-sleeping state. You open your eyes, look at me in confusion.

"I fell asleep," I say, rolling off you. Trying to roll off you.

"Ow!" we say in unison.

"We're stuck together," I say. "It's the – the stuff. Your stuff. It's like glue."

"I didn't know that would happen!" you peer down between us.

"Neither did I," I say, gently levering myself off you. "Sorry," I say as you wince.

I lie down beside you, gather you into my arms, cuddle you close to me.

"Aijin," I murmur. "Stay here, next to me."

"I don't want to die, Rai-chan," you murmur into my shoulder.

"No, Eru," I say, hugging you closer. "You won't. I won't let it happen."

"You don't know," you say, with an air of finality.

"Tell me what you do want," I say, hoping to raise your spirits.

"I want you to work with me," you say after a moment's pause. "Share the title of L with me, eventually. Live with me. I want us to have a normal life together insomuch as that's possible."

"What, two kids, two cars?" I say.

"I already have more than two cars," you say. "But, yes."

"Children?" this is something I didn't expect.

"Eventually. When you feel ready for it."

I don't answer, just hold you in my arms as the setting moon shines ghostlight through the window, feeling your breathing slow as you fall asleep. I wonder where we'd get children from. Surrogate parenthood? Adoption of some kind? How would we pick them? What would they be like?

I shake the thoughts away. They seem irrelevant. Pretty fantasies that make no sense because they're too good to be true. Like this whole situation.

I look down at you, a crescent-moon slice of your face showing beneath the darkness of your hair. You lie to me. And you're good at it. You tell me things I want to believe, in the hope that I will believe them, but you don't know me as well as you think. I'm just as good a liar as you are, I've spent my life lying like you have, to fit in, to get what I want – and I know if something seems too good to be true, then it probably is. And no amount of wishing and hoping and desire will make it any different.

I should feel wonderful. I'm in love. And – maybe not loved back, but near enough. And I have a life, theoretically, to look forward to, doing exactly what I'd choose to do and being with the man I'd choose to be with.

So why do I feel so heavy, as if I'd swallowed a stone? Why do I feel as if there's some unpleasant surprise waiting for me just around the next corner of my life? Why am I looking out the window at the cold night and wishing that morning would never come?


	11. Win Some, Lose Some

_Got this sorted out at last :) Yes! XD_

_Okay, this is the penultimate chapter. In a way. There are two more – but they are both different endings. The first one will be one that everyone can read relatively happily and the second one will be one that anyone who wants can read quite unhappily. I should be posting them soon – I have a cold at the moment so a bit slower than usual with everything. Including my mail, apologies for that._

_The lyrics are from Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush._

_SPOILERS: up to episode 25 anime/chapter 58 manga_

_DISCLAIMER: Death Note and its characters are not mine. Only this story is mine._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

_It gets dark, it gets lonely_

_On the other side from you_

_I pine a lot, I find the lot_

_Falls through without you_

_You had a temper like my jealousy_

_Too hot, too greedy._

_How could you leave me_

_When I needed to possess you?_

_I hated you. I loved you too._

_Bad dreams in the night_

_You told me I was going to lose the fight_

_Oh, let me have it_

_Let me grab your soul away_

_My one dream_

_My only Master._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

"Yagami-kun, it's time for us to go," you say.

I nod and smile at you, but I really don't want to. What could I tell you? Oh, Ryuuzaki, I don't want to join in this pivotal part of the case because I have a bad feeling about it? You'd laugh. No, you'd probably think I wanted to stay behind and perform some evil Kira-related activity.

We leave a protesting Misa in restraints in the investigation room, then head for the roof. Taking one of the helicopters. I'm surprised when I see it's you who's going to fly it.

"You can pilot a helicopter as well as everything else?" I ask, when I've got used to the unusual sensation and the unnerving distance from the ground.

"It's not difficult, Yagami-kun," you smile gently. "You don't even need a license. You could learn to do it too."

We turn our attention to the GPS, noticing that Higuchi is traveling toward Yotsuba, rather than Sakura TV, where I had half-expected him to go to take out Matsuda. You must have expected it though, you're checking with Wedy that she's destroyed any surveillance tapes that have Matsuda on them.

As we follow, my mind drifts away, thinking about Higuchi's strange conversation in his car with apparently nobody. You suggested that he's talking to a Death God, a Shinigami, but I find that hard to comprehend.

"Maybe he has an imaginary friend?" I speak out loud without really meaning to and you glance at me.

"Kira is childish," you contemplate. "I suppose it's possible. He might even be denying responsibilty for his actions by placing the blame on some other, dissociated part of himself. Or perhaps he's schizophrenic and is doing what he thinks some greater force is commanding him to do."

"You think he'll head for the TV station." I'm not asking you. I know what you think. I just want to say something to offset the feeling of foreboding that's growing stronger in my mind.

"Eventually, yes," you agree. "He has to. There is no other way he can kill Matsuda apart from directly now. Although I wish I knew why he went to Yotsuba. It's as if he has to see the face again, maybe see it at the moment of killing? Rather than just remembering it, what do you think, Raito-kun?"

"It's possible," I say. "The original Kira must have had photos of his victims. Maybe the ability only works if you have the face in front of you. Or maybe killing with a face and a name is different to killing with a face alone."

"Perhaps he is not killing with a face alone," you theorise. "Perhaps in some way he now has a way to know someone's name by just seeing their face."

"Maybe –" I think about it. "But he needs to see them now? I mean, if he just obtained this new power somehow, he needs to see Matsuda now. See his face again."

"Yes, because he didn't have that power when he saw Matsuda before," you say excitedly.

"So he can't remember his name, because he didn't know it when he saw him," I add.

"It makes sense," you say. "As much as any of this makes any sense at all, Raito-kun. Look! He's leaving Yotsuba."

We watch for a few moments to be sure, then I contact my father, tell him that Higuchi's on his way to Sakura TV. Ask if he's okay. I'm concerned about him. He had a heart attack not long ago and this is stressful for him.

"I don't need my own son to worry about me," he says, dismissively. "I'm fine, Raito."

Well, that told me. And suddenly, I'm tired of it.

"If I have children," I say, out of the blue, "I want to spend as much time as possible with them."

"Of course, Raito-kun," you agree. "It's important to a child to have a settled life with the parents present. Anything else can lead to all kinds of doubts and insecurities and odd behaviours."

Our eyes meet and I smile at you. I wonder what your own life has been like. I want to make you happy. Banish some of those doubts and insecurities you seem to have in such abundance.

I realise at this point how grateful I am to you, simply for your interest in me. Not Kira, although it started that way. But me, Yagami Light, the person you work with and sleep with. You're the only person that has ever seen me. Known me. And despite the things you've found out about me, you still seem to want to be with me. It's unfamiliar, but reassuring, to think I might have something that everyone else seems to take for granted. Someone of my own. Companionship and – well, you haven't said you love me and perhaps you never will. But it doesn't matter to me what you say, as long as you keep on doing what you do with me.

"He's there!" you say, and we listen as they surround him, the sounds of confusion, a plan going wrong.

My father's been shot. Not dead, injured somehow, I don't know. All I can think of is that Higuchi's escaped.

"There's no choice," you say. "We have to join the pursuit. Watari, are you ready? Yagami-kun, take this. Since we are dealing with Kira here."

I realise that you're passing me a pistol.

"No," I tell you. "That's illegal in Japan."

"I'm sure Yagami-san said exactly the same thing." Your voice is sarcastic, but you don't press me and I'm relieved.

I don't give a fuck about having a gun. God knows, you do so many illegal things from day to day that my doing one isn't going to add much to our score. It's almost flattering that you'd trust me so much anyway. But I'm scared. The feeling of impending evil, of something about to go wrong has intensified. I'm worried that if I have a gun I might use it. Not on Kira. On you. On myself. I don't know. But I don't want it, don't want to give myself any opportunity to – to fail. I don't trust myself any more and I feel as if I'm walking through a fog, looking for a light that never shines.

I dismiss my thoughts on this, there's too much else to think about as we finally capture Higuchi, as he's stopped from killing himself and has to give up.

"I suppose it's over," I hear the surprise in my tone. What now? What will you do?

"Yes." your own voice holds a note of regret. "It is."

They secure Higuchi and you demand that he confesses, threaten him when he's reluctant. He looks defeated, powerless. I can't imagine him as Kira somehow. I'd always thought Kira would be more impressive than that.

"It's a notebook," the kneeling murderer finally says. "If you know a person's face and write their name in that notebook, they die."

I shake my head in disbelief as they search his bag and find the book. My dad's doing it, despite his injury. Of course, he would. Ignoring his own pain – the same way he ignores everything else besides his work. He's puzzled, tells us there are names in the notebook but nothing unusual about it. Then I start, clutching at your arm as my father yells and falls to the floor, fumbling in his jacket for a gun he doesn't have.

"M – monster!" he cries out and as you try to calm him down, I reflect with some satisfaction that perhaps my dad has finally found something he can't manage to ignore. I wonder if he's going to have another heart attack, but I just can't bring myself to care very much about it.

It seems the notebook is causing the team to see monsters and you peer over the edge of your teacup – much to my amusement, you insist on having all the comforts of home, even in your helicopter, my sweet sybarite – and ask for the book to be brought to you.

As you take it, you glance toward the confusion around Higuchi and your eyes widen.

"Shinigami... they exist... they're real..." You seem stunned and I snatch the book from you, desperate to find out what's going on, what you're seeing that's made you so uncharacteristically dumbstruck. You don't even notice as I take it.

It hits me like the front end of a speeding bus, like a tsunami. I remember. I remember – everything. How could I have forgotten all of this? All of this time, I've been half aware, half of myself and it hurts me to regain the rest. I scream, thrown back into my seat by the force of the revelation, overwhelmed by the onslaught of memories I want, don't want, don't know if I want or not.

I give a kind of gasping whimper and slump forward, absorbing the realisation of who I am. What I am.

"Are you all right?" your face is concerned. "Anyone would be scared to death, seeing a monster like that."

I don't answer you, merely tell you that I need to get on with comparing the names in the book with the list of victims. I'm aware that you're looking at me, your face questioning, a little sad, but I ignore you. I have more important things to do right now.

I turn away from you, open the back of my watch and find the piece of Death Note paper I hid in there. And a pin, with which I prick my finger, using the blood to write Higuchi's name.

We discuss the notebook a little bit, your eyes turning to me. I can see the suspicion in them. You know something's happened, but you don't know what. You spin away from me as Higuchi convulses, falls to the floor. I smile, unseen. He's dead. The Death Note is mine.

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"Tomorrow," you say as you unfasten the handcuffs. "You can go home tomorrow."

"Fine with me," I agree. My dad's not happy that you won't release me tonight but I don't really give a damn. I'm coming to the conclusion that I don't want to go back to living with my parents. Even if I didn't have you to think about. So we've told him we're going to work on the names from the book tonight in our rooms, finish up some of the outstanding work that remains to be done.

"I want a shower," you say, disappearing into the bathroom. I'd go with you, but I have things to think about. Plans to make. Instead, I sit with the laptop, ostensibly going through the list of names, my mind busy with all kinds of considerations of how our situation has changed.

"I'm making dinner now," you tell me some time later, as you whisk through into the kitchen, leaving a pleasantly perfumed aroma behind you.

I grunt something at you, absorbed in what I'm doing. Take no notice of the further smells that start to permeate the atmosphere, this time of cooking.

What do I do now? My plan, my original plan, is working fine so far. I'm the owner of the Death Note and when you test the fake rules – which you will, I know you – well, then Rem will kill you to protect Misa.

There's just one problem with all that. I no longer want you to die.

I killed Higuchi. I realise now that in some ways, that was the biggest mistake I could have made. But without the Death Note being in my possession, I wouldn't have the knowledge of what I've done. I wouldn't know enough to make things happen as I want them to. Apart from anything else, I could hardly leave him alive and keep regaining the memories every time I touch the notebook. It's a shock to me and you'd notice. Probably wouldn't do much for my state of mind either.

"Dinner," you interrupt me.

"Fine," I murmur, mind still whirling with possibilities and options. I get up and turn to you, then stop. Staring. My eyes feel as if they're bulging out of their sockets and my mouth is hanging open. Possibly I'm drooling, I don't look down to check.

You're wearing a robe, a yukata, quite normal after a shower or bath. Except that they're not normally black and far from opaque. I can see you through it, hints of skin, flashes of subtle curves and lines. Not everywhere. On top of the robe you're wearing an apron, to protect it from cooking splashes. The logo on the front is a large gothic L, followed by the rather immodest statement 'World's No. 1.'

"Self-aggrandisement, Ryuuzaki?" I find my voice, now trying to stifle laughter.

"If you've got it, flaunt it," you remark as you place dishes on the table. "Besides, bands have their names on t-shirts, why shouldn't I have mine on my pinny?"

You swish away into the kitchen, returning with more plates.

"You've done a lot of cooking," I say, going through into the kitchen to wash my hands.

"I thought Raito-kun would be hungry after such a busy day," you give me a sweet smile as you pick up a basket of drained tempura and go to place it on the table.

I raise an eyebrow and follow you, sitting at the table, speculating about what you're up to here. You don't do anything without a reason. But this has got me mystified, first you tell me you don't like the way you look, then you dress up in a revealing costume like this – I temporarily stop thinking as you remove the apron, revealing even more.

"That's, uh, attractive, Ryuu," I tell you, squinting to try and see more clearly through the folds and drapes of cloth.

"Raito says he likes to look at me," you say, sitting down and helping me to food from some of the dishes. "I thought he might like to see a little more than usual."

"Mhm, yes," I agree, torn between wanting to eat the extremely appetising food you've prepared – because you were right, I am hungry – and indulging a completely different kind of desire which is making me uncomfortable in my clothes at the sight of you. I notice that the top of your robe is slightly open and I can't help leaning forward, trying to see down the gap.

"Raito-kun is staring down the front of my clothing," you remark and I do laugh at that.

"Ryuuzaki is given to stating the obvious," I reprove you gently. "That's why I like the clothes you normally wear."

"I didn't know that Raito _did_ like them?" you look surprised.

"I like the baggy tops," I say with my mouth full. "They're so loose around the neck, I can always see a bit of your shoulder or your chest. It's enticing. And those oversized jeans – when you stretch or bend over I get to see your underwear because of the lowrider effect."

"I'm beginning to think Raito spends half the time I am imagining he is working, actually ogling me," you say with a smile.

"You'd be right," I confess. And realise, that for the last few minutes, I haven't thought about Kira at all. What is it you do to me?

I go for my own shower after we finish eating. I should say, after I finish, you're still murdering dessert. It seems strange to stand under the warm spray alone, the bathroom empty of anyone but myself. I can't believe I could miss being chained to another man, the clinking, the weight, the annoyingness of it all – and the bruises when you pull me – but miss it, it seems I do. Insane. I think some more about the present state of affairs while I'm washing but come to no conclusions and in the end decide I need to sleep on it. You'll still be here in the morning and so will the Death Note.

When I come out, you're nowhere to be seen. I go through to the bedroom, stopping in the doorway as I see you. Lying on the bed, robe askew, my mind informing me that I see nipples, that I see legs and then just shutting down and letting my hormones run things from here on.

"L!" I pounce on you, losing the towel somewhere on the way.

"Eee!" you try to wriggle away but I catch you, pinning you beneath me as I clasp your head between my hands and press my lips to yours. You respond eagerly, opening your mouth for me, welcoming my tongue into it with licks and caresses.

I break for air and you pull away slightly, looking at me speculatively.

"Are you going home tomorrow, Raito-kun?" you ask.

"I don't know," I say. "No. There's still the case to work on. Loose ends to tie up. The notebook to investigate. Let me stay here with you."

"Stay?" you look thoughtful. "Your father won't like that."

"I don't care," I tell you. "I want to – I mean, is it embarrassing for you if I stay?"

You laugh at that. "Raito-kun, when have you ever noticed me worrying about what other people think of me?"

"So you don't mind?"

"They already think I'm a pervert, chaining us together." You run your fingers over my chest, slowly, languorously. "Why would I care if their suspicions are confirmed? But I was thinking of you. Your father would be angry with you if he thinks you want to stay with me now you don't have to."

"I don't give a damn about it," I say. "I don't like him anyway."

We stare at each other. I wonder why I said that. I didn't mean to. I'm losing control, what do you do to me?

"I know." Your voice is gentle, but your eyes aren't.

"How do you know that?" I demand. "I didn't even know it myself until today."

"You resent him because he never spent time with you," you explain myself to me, annoyingly. "You've always been good at everything, been the best you can be, better than anyone else in some respects. And yet, nothing worked. Nothing made him want to be with you, did it, Raito-kun?"

"Ryuuzaki –" I sigh, getting a grip on my temper. "Are you trying to provoke me?"

"I like your anger, Raito," you tell me with a mischievous smile.

"No, you don't," I say. "You wouldn't like me angry. Not now."

"Why, Raito-kun?" Your gaze is intent on me. "What has changed?"

"Nothing," I say. "I just – last time I was angry, you didn't like it. You told me not to."

"What if I tell you I don't mind?" you purr at me. "What if I tell you to do whatever you want with me? To me?"

I lean away from you, nervous suddenly. You know, don't you. You know – and this is some kind of test. You want to see how I behave, if I welcome the chance to overcome you.

"I'm not interested in that kind of power," I say, lightly. "Isn't it Ryuuzaki who likes to be sure of me, chaining me to him? I don't feel the need to control you to that extent."

"On the contrary, Raito-kun, I think the lack of power and the need to exert control are the most characteristic attributes you have." You shuffle toward me, making us close again and I can't back away without falling off the bed. "All your life you've tried to be what other people want, tried to efface yourself. No wonder if you take power when it's offered to you, no matter from where it comes."

"I don't know what you mean, Ryuuzaki," I say.

"I like your anger, Raito," you change the subject. "It's real. A lot of things about you aren't real, but that is."

"I don't lie to you!" I exclaim. "Is that what you're saying? That I lie to you? After all we've said to each other? Everything I've told you?"

"I hope you will tell me everything, Raito-kun." You sigh and turn away from me. "I'd like to think you could trust me enough to do that. But I won't insist. Not yet. It's been a difficult day and we both need time to think about it."

"Come here." I grab your arms and pull you into mine, not too kindly. It's either fuck you or hit you, I'm too disturbed to do nothing and I don't want to hit you. You seem about to speak, but I kiss you to make you silent and after a moment, you give in, kissing me back, tightening your arms around me, letting me lay you back on the bed.

I lean over you, looking at your face, the slight flush on your cheekbones, your huge eyes fixed on mine, your black, wild hair straggling over the sheets.

"You have to trust me, L," I tell you. "That's what's important now. Trust me. Let me stay with you. I need you to do that. It's no good if I'm alone."

"Of course, Raito," you reach up, run your fingers along the side of my face. "Whatever you need."

I nod and bend down to you, burying my face in your neck, kissing and licking the soft, smooth skin, sinking my teeth into you, marking you. It'll show in that baggy-necked top you wear but I don't care any more if someone sees, if someone knows I bite you and love you in the night. I don't give a fuck.

"Aah, Raito," you murmur, holding me tight, adjusting yourself underneath me so I'm lying on top of you, your legs lifting to wrap around me. My hands are all over you, pulling your robe away from your warm skin, touching, feeling you.

"My Raito," you whisper into my ear, stroking down my back, your nails gently scratching me, making me groan and grind my hips against you, feeling your hardness meeting mine.

I roll away from you, reaching for the bottle of lotion on the bedside table. You look up at me, eyes slightly glazed as I open it and pour it out onto my fingers.

"L, let me," I ask you and you smile, opening for me, your face contorting in pain and then pleasure as I prepare you, my fingers deep inside you, working you, stretching you.

I slide from the low bed, pulling you to the edge, kneeling and lifting your legs over my shoulders.

"Yes!" You lean up on your elbows, watching me as I position myself, you look eager. "I like this, Raito, yes!"

"Beautiful L," I tell you, entering you, watching you feel it, respond to it, your eyes widening, then half closing, looking at me lustfully. I try to go slowly but you're not having it, you push yourself onto me, demanding, the little whimpering sounds from your lips undoing my resolve.

I clutch at your hips, driving myself deep into you, hearing you gasp and moan, watching you clutch handfuls of the covers as I abandon caution and pull out, nearly all the way, then thrust forward, embedding myself in you.

"Light!" you're speaking English, it's what you do when you're aroused and that excites me. I pump my tormented cock hard into you, hard and fast and you move your hips against me, engulfing me inside you.

"Mhm, take me!" you command and I lean over you, staring down at your flushed cheeks, the open, almost innocent desire on your face.

"Up!" I say, pulling out of you suddenly.

"What?" you look appalled. "Light – what?"

I slide back onto the bed, grabbing your hand and pulling you up the bed. Sitting against the headboard I take hold of your hips, encouraging you to straddle me. You smile like a child promised a treat and lower yourself onto me, my cock slipping easily into you now, encased in slick heat.

I rest my hands on your slender, delicate waist, watching as you ride me, your thighs clenched around mine, head thrown back, moaning wantonly as I buck my hips up into you, matching the rhythm you set.

You whimper as I slide my fingers down, parting your thighs so I can caress them, stroking over the soft skin, back up over the curve of your hips. Then behind, gripping you, lifting you off me and pulling you back down, your hands clenching around my arms, you body damp and glowing with sweat.

I see you're close and I lift you right off me, causing a squeak of outrage.

"Again, Yagami-kun!" That tells me you're angry, surname time now. I smile, not heeding you and take your shoulders, turning you around. Before you can gather your wits enough to start berating me for interrupting your pleasure, I grasp your hips and pull you back, thrusting forward, impaling you on me again.

"Haah!" you moan, and I slide my arms around you, one holding your waist, pulling you back against me, my other hand slipping down to encircle your stiff cock, now soaking with precum.

"Aaah, yes, don't stop!" you murmur, pushing back onto me, reaching behind to pull at me, pull me into you. "Hold me... hold me... Light... don't let me go... don't!"

"No, no, never," I sigh into your ear. "I promise you..." I trail my fingers along your length, teasing you with light touches, making you groan in frustration. I laugh, breathless, then tighten my fist around you, pumping you, taking pity on your need.

You tilt your head back, your cheek pressed against mine and I'm lost, nothing but the maddening friction of our bodies, joined, moving on each other. The tight, wet heat of you enclosing me, squeezing me. My sharp gasps and grunts and your wild cries as you abandon yourself to my possession of you.

You arch back against me suddenly, crying out my name and I feel you jerk in my hand, your seed spilling over my fingers. The stimulated muscles of your hot, slippery passage clench around me and I give in to you, thrusting into you as I release, spurting my juices into you. My head pressed into the curve of your neck, my mouth on you, tasting your sweat, moaning around your soft flesh as you drain me.

We fumble ourselves under the covers eventually, lying together, wrapped around each other. Your skin is hot against mine, slick and smooth, your hair tickling my face as your head rests on my shoulder.

"You fascinate me," you murmur against my neck, the cool breeze of your breath making me shudder.

"Hm?" I'm not yet ready for words.

"I've always been interested in things," you muse. "Events, facts, occurrences – I've never been captivated like this by another human being."

"Do you like it?" I manage.

"I don't know," you say. "It's fragile. The bond between two people. There are many more enduring things I could pursue."

"It's not a matter of choice," I say.

"You don't think so?"

"Not for me."

"Fortunate," you say, with a sigh. "What would I do without you?"

"You don't have to be without me." I turn to you, pressing my lips to your soft hair. "I told you. You have to trust me. I'll put things right."

"I'm not in the habit of letting other people do my thinking for me," you say rather acerbically.

"Trust me, this once," I insist. "That's all. I'll explain it all to you soon."

"Hm." you shift impatiently.

"Go to sleep now," I cajole. "It's late."

"We'll talk more about this later, Raito," you warn me.

"I know we will," I agree. "Mr Persistence."

You breathe laughter and then you're silent. I listen as your breathing slows, as you fall asleep, then I slide my hand down over your chest. I can feel the heavy, regular beating of your heart beneath your ribs. I picture it, driving the blood around your body. It keeps you alive. Makes you what you are; aware and here. With me. The scruffily elegant young man that torments and annoys and owns me daily. I wonder what it would be like if that sound faltered and ended, if that simple physiological process should cease and you just – stopped.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Dismantle my plan, somehow. Am I not to be Kira any more? I can feel the urge to do that, the temptation of regaining that power. I can kill you and you'd never know until it was too late. But I don't want to. As I told you, it's not a matter of choice. Not any more. I don't want to live without you, it's as simple as that. To kill you – would be to destroy myself. That is an option, I suppose, but it's not one I want to take.

Still, it's nice to be aware, that although you'll never know about it, I've won. I hold your life in my hand and it's my choice to give it back to you. The thought cheers me and I smile into the darkness. I reach for your limp hand, take it in mine and lay it over my own heart, decision made.


	12. New Order

_Don't want your bullshit_

_Just want your sexuality_

_Don't want excuses_

_Write me your poetry in motion_

_Write it just for me_

_And sign it with a kiss._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

_IMPORTANT! READ THIS!_

_Okay, the end is here. Both ends are here. This is the one that everyone can read without needing a box of tissues. Apart from perhaps Synonymous Brian ;)_

_As for the other – caveat legens._

_Or to put it another way – if you can't stand the heat, don't take your holiday in Barbados._

_My immense thanks to recipe for insanity for beta reading these last two chapters, especially doing this one in a hurry – the only reason for the hurry being that I was bored. My hard drive broke and I couldn't use my own computer. Now, I might think that being bored is a damn good reason for doing anything – but I don't expect others to share that view, so thanks very, very much and also for all your suggestions to improve it.  
_

_And thanks a million to fouloldron for supplying me with ideas to make this chapter what it is, when it seemed flat and uninteresting compared to the other – it wouldn't be the same without all your plot elements._

_Quote is from The Song of Solomon by Kate Bush, from the Red Shoes album._

_SPOILERS: Up to episode 25 anime, 58 manga._

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own Death Note. Possibly, it owns me XD_

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

"You're doing what?" My father stares at me, his eyes bugging out in a way that would be comical in any other circumstances.

"I'm staying with L," I tell him. "I'll come home and get some things and then I'm coming back here. I don't want to leave until the case is completely wrapped up."

"Raito – your mother. Your sister – they haven't seen you for months!"

"They'll see me tonight," I say. "I need some different clothes, the ones I've been wearing here are looking nearly as bad as Ryuuzaki's. And I want some books from home as well."

As I thought, the mention of these prosaic needs calms him. I may not like him much, and he may not understand me at all, but I know how to manipulate him, I think bitterly.

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My mother's another matter. As I find to my surprise, when I'm packing the clothes she's hung neatly in my closet, awaiting my return.

"It seems strange, Raito," she murmurs. "That you're away so long and then you want to leave again."

"I – I just need to…" I'm not sure what to say to her. To be honest, I can't remember what kind of cover story my dad gave her.

"Is it that girl?" she asks next, and I stare at her in bewilderment.

"Girl?"

"Amane Misa. The girl that came around here to visit you."

"Oh! Her. No." I turn away and start rummaging through my underwear drawer.

"There's someone, though, isn't there, Raito?"

I just grunt at her, hoping she'll take it as an indication that I don't want to talk about it, or even better, have nothing to talk about. When did my mother become so persistent?

"You've been working with that detective, haven't you?" she goes on.

"What?" Now I turn and look at her. How does she know that?

"You're a genius, Raito," she smiles. "Surely that might suggest to you that your mother's not completely unintelligent. I hear your father on the phone, talking to his colleagues. I see things in the newspapers and on TV. He's working on the Kira case, with L, and since he obviously knew where you were all the time you were away, I suppose that's what you were doing too."

"Yes," I concede. "I'm working with L. On the Kira case. It's nearly finished, but there are some things left to sort out."

"Things that are so important, you can't work on them during the day, like your father does?" She gives me a look of disbelief. "You have to go and work on them all night, too?"

"He's an insomniac," I say. "L, I mean. He likes to work all hours. It's quiet at night and we can get on with things."

"What's he like?" She takes a seat on the bed, obviously not about to leave until her concerns, whatever they are, are addressed.

"Like?" I think about that. "Well – you wouldn't think he's the world's best detective to look at him. He doesn't look much older than me. And he's – well, he's quite, um, messy. He doesn't wear shoes or socks. He wears the same clothes all the time."

"That must be upsetting, if you have to work in close proximity with him," she remarks, and I look at her, sensing sarcasm, but seeing only innocent enquiry. Damn, my mother's got masks too, how did I never notice that?

"I don't mean he wears _exactly_ the same clothes!" I hasten to assure her. "He changes them often enough – but they're always the same kind of clothes. His hair's usually untidy too. He doesn't bother about things like that."

"And is he kind to you?" she asks, head on one side.

"Yes, of course," I say. "He's very, uh, thoughtful. We have a lot in common. He's extremely intelligent. And he has a good sense of humor. Oh, and he can fly a helicopter." I fall silent, aware that I'm rambling and we look at each other for a moment.

"So when do I get to meet him?"

"Why would you want to?" I temporize.

"I think that would be obvious, Raito." She's not smiling now, the gloves are off. "My son is so enamoured of some man who doesn't wear socks, that he can't even spend one night in his own home after being away for months. Of course I'd like to meet this fascinating individual. Besides, it's polite to bring one's intended home to meet the parents, and I've never known you to be anything but well-mannered, Raito."

"Intended?" I laugh, but it doesn't sound quite right so I stop. "Uh, Mum, I'm not going to marry him."

"Not in Japan, certainly," she sighs. "But I suppose he doesn't live in Japan normally. I imagine you'll be leaving the country and then who knows when I'll see you again."

"You sound as if you think I'm in love with him." I'm aware that the conversation has already gone way past this point, but I don't really want to follow it to what I think its inevitable conclusion might be.

"Raito, when you talk about him, your eyes look like pools of miso soup," she says and the image strikes me funny so that I laugh for real.

"Soup? I don't think my eyes ever look like soup!"

"I can see you like him, Raito." She stands, and gives me the eye. She hasn't done that since I was about eleven years old and I'm appalled to find it still works. I feel as if I'm shrinking.

"But, Mum –"

"No arguments, Raito," she says sternly. "I'm a little surprised to find out that you're gay, although I did have my suspicions. A boy who looks like you and no girlfriends – apart from ones that were obviously cultivated just to make you appear as if you _had_ a girlfriend. But I'm prepared to welcome your – your sweetheart into my home and make sure your father doesn't make too much fuss about it."

"You are?" I surrender. Short of telling her she's talking nonsense, I don't see what else I can do. And I'm not prepared to say that to my mother.

"Raito, I would rather you slept with the whole squad of the Japanese National football team, than have you carry on doing whatever you were doing alone in your room before you started working on this case."

I just stare at her. I have nothing to say. She knows. She knows and she's never said anything about it. Why not? What – did she think I'd kill her?

"I'll look forward to having him over to dinner then." She gives me another smile, one I can only describe as predatory, hands me a t-shirt I've forgotten to pack, and leaves.

I slump down on the bed and do some deep breathing exercises. To say I'm stunned is an understatement. Then I realise that it's late and I'm wasting time. I still have another Death Note to retrieve tonight before I can come home to you.

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It's a couple of days before I can get Rem alone. You're obsessed with questioning her, not that it's doing you any good, her answers being evasive or non-existent. I'm impatient to deal with her, I know she'll kill you if you do what I planned. Those rules I wrote – they're too convenient for me. You're bound to suspect. I knew you would, that's why I wrote them. But now, I wish I'd never written anything, rather than have written what will kill you.

"I don't want you to kill him," I say, after having explained what I've done. Rem hasn't said a word through all of this, just staring at me in her usual blank fashion. "I'll make sure that he doesn't convict Misa, no matter what happens. You need to trust me to take care of this."

"Trust you?" Rem speaks at last. "Why should I do that, Yagami Raito? You have showed yourself to be perhaps the most untrustworthy being in the human world, so your demands for trust now are something I find it hard to take seriously."

"I lied to you." I gaze up into her pale, strange face, willing her to believe me. "I know – I lied to you about all of it. But Rem – I set you up to die, killing L. And now I'm telling you about it, ruining my own plan. Doesn't that suggest to you that I'm telling the truth?"

"The only thing it suggests to me," she says, with a look on her normally expressionless face that's almost a sneer, "is that Yagami Raito now has more to gain from keeping L alive than from killing him. Isn't that how it works for you, Yagami? It's all about what you want."

"Yes," I admit. "I want L alive."

"You love him." It wasn't a question.

"It's not – I didn't mean to!" I reach out, almost touching her, desperate for her to understand, fearful for your life as well as my own if I anger her too much. "I know you said you'd kill me if anything happened to Misa. But I can't love her. I just – don't."

"You are a lying, cheating, murdering, disgustingly egotistical excuse for a human being," she says, calmly. "Misa will be better off without you. When you have dealt with L, I will also need to speak to him."

"Of course," I agree, fighting back the urge to retort to her cutting appraisal of my character. Then I think of you and that calms me. You like me. I know you do. Lying, cheating, suspected murder, ego and all. That's all I need. "I'll let you know, Rem, when I've spoken to him."

I turn and walk away, wondering to myself just when, exactly, I am going to speak to you. The longer I leave it, the more difficult it gets – as uncomfortable conversations have a habit of doing, or so I'm told. I wouldn't know. I've always avoided them. You're the only person I've ever had to approach anywhere near the truth with, since the day I was born. I give a bitter laugh at that thought. No wonder I love you. You're the only person I don't want to lie to.

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"It's his _what?_" I stare at Watari incredulously.

"His birthday." The old man gives me a look somewhere between annoyance and resignation. "I thought you should know. He's fond of you."

"Thank you," I say, turning to leave the building. I was going to work, but now I have more important things to do.

It takes me some time to finish my shopping, but I'm back for the afternoon. You give me a curious glance as I come into the investigation room, but don't ask where I've been, and I stroll over to take a seat at my desk as if it's perfectly normal for me to turn up after lunchtime. I've left my parcels in our room, hidden under the bed, so there's nothing there for you to ask about.

There's not a lot left to do, just finishing up the paperwork, really, and you let the team go early.

"Shall we go to our rooms, Raito-kun?" you ask, almost shyly. "I think Watari is making dinner."

"Special dinner?" I ask as we turn out the lights and leave.

"Why should it be a special dinner, Raito-kun?"

I smile at you. Wait for the elevator to come and when we're inside, press for our floor.

"Happy Birthday," I say.

"You know?"

"Watari told me. I have gifts for you."

"Presents?" You look as excited as a child. "I never have presents on my birthday! What are they?"

"You'll have to wait and see," I tease you.

I'm happy as I watch you sitting on the rug, unwrapping the gifts I bought you. Pocky and expensive imported candies. New t-shirts – not too different from the old ones, but better-fitting and trimmed with subtle embroidery. Incense to burn and strawberry soap.

"What's this?" You pull out the last item from its wrapping with a look of deep suspicion.

"It's a hairbrush, Ryuuzaki," I tell you. "I thought it was time you had one of your own."

"Hmh," you grunt, putting the brush to one side gingerly as if it's going to fly into the air and start sprucing you up all by itself.

"Come here," I offer, reaching for you with one hand and the brush with the other. You shuffle reluctantly toward me, grumbling as I start to tease at your tangled strands of hair, then falling silent as you find I don't hurt you.

I sigh into the mess of black locks, wondering how I'm going to find a chance to talk to you about – about who I am. What I am. Not today. Not on your birthday, I don't want to ruin it. It's bad enough that you're sure I was Kira, without bringing out into the open the fact that I still am. I push the thoughts away and concentrate on tidying up the bird's nest mess of your hair, smoothing and petting it until we hear the clank of dishes as Watari brings the birthday feast.

We sit together after dinner and I'm – not comfortable. The lies between us are disturbing me, spoiling what should be a pleasant evening for both of us. I want to be with you, I don't want to be with you. It hurts.

"Raito is uncomfortable," you read my mind.

"No, Ryuuzaki, not at all," I say and try to smile.

"Raito is trying to reassure me."

I hiss out breath between my teeth, irritated at your damn knowledge of me. How can you know so much? What – what do you know? I get up and pace over to the window, thinking to hide from you in the solace of my own reflection. But you follow me and all I can see in the glass are your eyes, huge and watchful, always watching me.

"Yagami Raito is Kira," you say suddenly and I turn to you.

"Not that again!" I say. "Ryuuzaki, you know – "

"I know." you say and the certainty in your voice stops me dead. "I know that Yagami Raito is Kira. He comes to me on my birthday, pretending that nothing has changed. But everything has changed and I know it has."

"You're being ridiculous!" I snap at you.

"Ryuuzaki is always ridiculous," you smile, sadly. "Isn't that true? Nothing I say makes any sense, does it, Raito? Not my accusations, not my certainties. Raito can always make it appear that I am misguided, obsessed with my own desire to be right, to the point where I have no more regard for what the truth may be."

"That's certainly how some of the other investigators may see you," I say.

"And Raito makes sure they keep on seeing me that way," you add.

I just glare at you. What can I say? It's true but I'm not going to tell you that. "I'm not Kira." I insist instead. Lying to you again, but I really don't want to do this on your birthday. "I wish you'd stop accusing me."

"How can I stop, when it's true?"

I sigh and close my eyes in frustration. Here we go again.

"Raito, do you think I would not notice such a profound change in my lover?" you say suddenly. "The person I hold in my arms and kiss and share my secrets with? How insensitive would I have to be not to notice that you have become somebody else?"

"What if I was?" I'm angry now. I want to hurt you. "What if I was Kira, Ryuuzaki, what would you do? Would you arrest me? Kill me? You would, wouldn't you? You want to win more than you want me!"

"There is only one reason why Raito would ask me that question," you say and I see the sadness in your eyes and – I'm not angry any more. Not about your nagging, anyway. However, I have plenty of other things to be angry about.

"Just when do you think I suddenly became Kira again?" I sneer at you. "Don't you think I'd find it difficult when we've been together constantly until the last few days?"

"In the helicopter," you say instantly. "When you took the notebook from me. You changed after that. I think that the notebook carries the ability to be Kira and you got that ability back when you touched it. No – the notebook informed you that you were Kira. You regained your memories of being Kira and to retain them, you had to kill Higuchi. Which you did."

"So can you explain to me why Higuchi's name isn't in the book?" You're backing me into a corner here, but I find I don't really care. I'm enjoying the dispute and I have a few home truths to offer you myself when I can get a word in.

"I don't know." You look thoughtful. "I can only surmise that you were able to secrete a small portion of the Death Note about your person somehow and used that. There was a piece torn out of one of the pages of the book, perhaps you took it with that in mind. After all, there's no point in tearing out a scrap of paper if it's no use for something."

"Damn, you're good," I admit. "I forgot how much alike we think."

"It's what I would have done myself in your position," you agree. "An excellent plan, Raito-kun. I congratulate you. So just how did you mean to kill me?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," I say, childishly, but your casual query has me enraged again. "And while we're on the subject of the helicopter, L, what about _your_ plan?"

"_My_ plan, Raito-kun?"

"Don't play the innocent with me!" I take a step toward you, wave my finger in your face. "You took me there, knowing damn well that was the point which was most likely to be the focus of my plan to become Kira again. You could have gone yourself, without me. You wanted this!"

"I wanted to know, certainly," you inform me tonelessly, as if it really doesn't matter to you. "Wouldn't you, in my position?"

"So you let me become – this?" I'm beside myself now, shaking with anger. "You knew I was scared – no, terrified, that I'd become Kira again and you just sat back and watched it happen, like some damn circus act?"

"I didn't _know_ what would happen," you temporize. "I didn't know how it would happen, if it did. I didn't appreciate until afterwards how it must have worked. I'm not psychic, Raito-kun, I don't have powers of precognition."

"Oh, shut up!" I exclaim. "You had me come with you like a fucking lamb to the fucking slaughter and I trusted you and went along with it. You were supposed to protect me and instead you threw me to the fucking wolf, you evil bastard!"

"I was supposed to convict you, Raito-kun." Your eyes are cold, intent on me. "I was supposed to find out how you had become Kira and have you damn well arrested for it. That's what I was supposed to do, not keep you safe from the consequences of your own sins. You have no right to castigate me for this, when as far as I can see, every single word you say is a lie."

That's the last straw for me. I howl something incoherent and smash my fist into your mouth. Watch you fly backward, no chain to drag me after you now. You smash into the wall, stagger, then pull yourself upright, wiping blood from your lips with one hand.

"I warned you, Raito-kun –" you begin.

"Yes, you fucking warned me!" I yell. "And you know what, L? I don't fucking _care!_ You lied to me!"

"You lied to me _more!"_ you hiss, leaping forward and aiming a kick at me. But I'm ready for it this time and I'm already moving away from you, snatching up a jade ornament from a small table and letting fly at your head.

Somehow, you turn your kick into a full-body twist, leaping and catching the jade dog in mid-air.

"Ow!" You shake your hand, probably bruised from the impact. "Raito-kun, this is an antique, what do you think you're doing? You could have broken it. Or me."

"I don't give a shit," I tell you. "I hate those ugly temple dogs anyway."

"Philistine," you say, putting the grinning statue down carefully on the couch. Then you turn and move toward me, cold determination in your eyes.

I take a step backwards, the dining table behind me now. My eyes widen, giving the impression I'm having second thoughts about what I've done. Then your foot shoots out and I twist away, wincing at the crack as your instep connects with the edge of the table, birthday cake and plates thrown to the floor by the impact.

The next few moments are entertaining, to say the least, if your idea of entertainment involves seeing the world's best detective hopping on one foot and emitting a stream of filthy words in several different languages. I don't even understand half of it, but I can tell it's not 'dear me, my foot is broken.'

"Do you want to continue?" I ask you sardonically. "Or would you rather sit down and rest?"

"I'm going to kill you," you reply, looking up from your injury. "With my own two hands, Raito."

I take a step back in earnest at this point. I thought I'd seen you angry before, but this is something more than that. Your face twisted into a snarl, your eyes flashing hell-fire.

"Ryuuzaki," I say, and congratulate myself that my voice doesn't waver in the slightest. "You're gorgeous when you're mad."

You give a sound that I can only describe as a roar of rage and launch yourself at me. I spin away, round the back of the table, grabbing at a chair, bringing it up to hold in front of me. I know you're faster than me, even limping and my only hope is to keep you at a distance. I retreat slowly, prodding at you with the chair legs like a comic-book lion-tamer and you play your part admirably, growling incoherently and grabbing at me.

You lunge forward and I duck, bringing the chair up, the leg smacking into your diaphragm.

"Gaah!" you cry, staggering on your injured foot, your head thumping into the wall. Your eyes roll up and you slide down, uttering grunts of protest as your body refuses to obey you and pursue me.

I take my chance and fling the chair away, leaping on you, eliciting a shriek, whether of rage or pain I don't know. I grab for your flailing hands and pin them over your head, my weight holding you flat to the floor.

"Urrhh! Raito! Let me up... this instant!" you command breathlessly.

"Do you take me for stupid?" I ask. "You're staying right here, Mr Detective, until you calm down."

I reflect upon taking a good look at you, that isn't something that's going to happen anytime soon. Your eyes are vicious, and, lacking any other weapon of offence, you snap your teeth at me as I lean closer to you. I pull back, only to groan as you manage to bring a knee up between my legs. Fortunately, you miss your intended target, but drive the bony joint painfully into my thigh instead. I decide I know how to deal with that, and push my own knee between yours. There's a fierce struggle but finally I have your legs parted and I'm lying between them, reasonably safe from retaliation for the moment.

I have to confess, now I've got you immobilized like this, the whole situation is quite arousing. The wriggling and writhing you're doing, trying to escape, isn't making it any less so. Well, since I'm here, I consider, I may as well – after all, you can't get more angry with me than you already are.

I wrap one hand firmly round both your slender wrists and reach down between us with the other, fumbling at the button of your jeans.

"No!" Your eyes tell me you know exactly what I've got in mind. "Raito – I don't want to!"

"But I do," I remark, pulling down your zipper. I shuffle the jeans down over your hips, despite your efforts to keep them pinned beneath you. I imagine for once, you're wishing you didn't wear such baggy clothes that are so easy to remove.

It's hard to get the jeans down your legs, but I manage it by bringing up one foot and hooking it into the crotch area of the pants, pushing them down and away. You watching me all the time, your eyes wary, calculating, waiting for me to make one mistake, lean the wrong way, unbalance myself – but I don't.

Having got you naked enough for my needs, I unzip my own pants, releasing my now more-than-needy member from confinement and look around me. I don't want to take you dry. You're annoying and at the moment, murderous, but I love you nevertheless. I don't want to hurt you. On the other hand, I can't leave you here while I go to the bathroom or bedroom for lube. You wouldn't be here when I got back. Where you'd be, more than likely, is creeping up behind me with a blunt object.

Then my eyes light on the sad remnants of birthday cake, lying beside their smashed plate. Lots of crumbs, no use at all. But the icing – is of the soft variety. I reach out and scoop up a handful, seeing your eyes widen as my fingers dive between us.

"Raito!" Your face is scandalized, but I take no notice, my cake-sticky fingers penetrating you despite your cries of protest and struggles to get away.

I break open the last whole piece of the cake, retrieving the cream filling for my own lubrication, then before you can utter the words of loss your sugar-deprived and traumatized expression are promising, I grab your legs and push them back, entering you in the same movement, giving you no chance to escape me.

You groan and toss your head, tangling the long black locks I brushed before dinner. Your eyes are wild on me as you strain to pull your wrists from my grasp. I smile down at you, embedded deeply in your warmth and take one of your hands in each of mine, spreading your arms wide, holding you down to the floor. Then I start to fuck you, slowly and deliberately, long hard strokes, taking no notice of your protests and complaints.

"No! Raito… stop! Raito – you're going to be very sorry for this –"

"I doubt that," I tell you, speeding up a little, angling myself to a different position, aiming for your pleasure centre. "How could I be sorry for being here with my angel, joined with you like this?"

"Don't think you'll get round me with – hahh!" You give a moan that has nothing to do with annoyance or disobedience and arch toward me. "Raito… Rai… chan…"

"Yes!" I gasp, releasing your hands as the fight goes out of you and you reach for me, pulling me toward you, clutching at my arms. It's still hard for me to stay atop you, your struggles to escape now changed to writhing, mewling delight beneath me. You push yourself onto me, our bodies moving in syncopatic rhythm, pleasuring each other. Our limbs entwined, sweat-slicked skin sliding together as we drive each other to groans and cries of ecstasy.

"Eru!" I cry out as the heat and the pressure of our flesh and the friction sends us over the edge into spasms of fulfillment, your climax and mine shuddering through us simultaneously, clutching at each other like two lost sailors in a wayward sea.

"Aijin," I mutter, some long time later, returning a little way toward awareness. Then become aware that your breath is hitching as you lie beneath me, little pathetic noises that sound like –

"L?" I lean up on my elbows, concerned, convinced you're crying, that I hurt you. But you're laughing, breathlessly, your eyes creased up, mouth a goblin grin of delight.

"What's funny?" I ask.

"Cake icing, Raito?"

"It was there," I say. "So I used it."

"That seems to be a habit with you," you gasp, then the giggles get the better of you again.

I pull you up to a sitting position, me straddling your legs and watch you as you gain control of yourself.

"Raito-kun has beaten me," you say eventually. "He has won."

"No, Ryuuzaki." I decide I can't agree with that. "You've won. You've stopped me."

"I cannot arrest Raito," you admit. "It's not in me to do it."

"You have the Death Note," I think aloud. "I can't be Kira without it."

"There is another one." You sigh and lean back against the table leg. "Where is it?"

"I buried it," I say. "But I dug it up. I have it here, if you want it."

"You're being very reasonable." Your eyes narrow in suspicion.

"Why shouldn't I?" I ask you sharply. "What did you expect, that I'd fight with you some more? Hurt you? Kill you? How could I do that, Eru? You know what you mean to me."

"It crossed my mind that I might die," you say. "But then I realised that Raito-kun will not kill me or torture me, just to gain the freedom to do something he does not wish to do any more."

"What?" I stare at you. "How – how do you know?"

"I have noticed how conflicted you've been over the last few days," you tell me. "It seemed obvious that what was bothering you was your knowledge of yourself as Kira. If you were happy with it, you would not have seemed so doubtful. I can only conclude that you have had second thoughts about the advisability of killing off a large proportion of the world's population."

"I decided it might have been an unwise choice," I concede.

"So I can feel quite safe about having you around me, Raito."

"You trust me?"

"No, not at all," you say. "But I trust your self-interest. Since your emotional well-being is invested in my being alive and willing to co-exist with you, it is highly unlikely that you will do anything to jeopardize that state of affairs."

"My emotional well-being, huh?" I edge closer to you, reach out to put a hand on your shoulder.

"Raito-kun loves me," you clarify. "Therefore, his interest lies in keeping me happy."

"You believe that?" I ask. "Don't you think that everything I say is a lie?"

"Apart from that," you give a brief smile. "Raito-kun has nothing to gain by saying that he loves me. Not even sex, which I offered to him with no demands for emotional commitment."

"So you'll let me live?" I persist. "Based on – an emotion? A declaration of love? That's not what I would have expected from L."

"Neither would I, Raito-kun." You put your head on one side, looking at me consideringly. "I've always hated to lose and when our relationship was just a challenge, a game you and I played, then I could have had you arrested. I would have been happy that I'd won."

"And now?" I persist.

"Now – " you look back at me. "It seems I don't care about winning so much any more. It's always been important to me. More important than anything else. But now I realise that was because it was all I had. And it's not important any more. This stupid pride of mine – I give it up."

I don't know what to say to that. Do you – care about me? Is that what you're saying? Or do you just see me as an asset you don't want to lose. I decide I don't want to know the answer to that. Not now, anyway. Perhaps never. It's enough to have you, no matter what the terms.

"You can't arrest Misa," I remember. "Rem will kill you if you do. She's in love with her."

"That's bizarre," you say. "So I end up with nothing? I don't get to convict either of you?"

"You've got me," I tell you, as if offering a consolation prize.

"I suppose that'll have to do," you say, shifting uncomfortably.

"We should go ask Watari to look at your foot." I glance down, seeing how much it's swollen.

"You can call him." You pull your jeans over and take your phone out of the pocket. "I don't think I can walk at the moment. My foot is broken and my legs are sex-jelly."

I smile at that. After a moment, you do too, rather half-heartedly.

"I'm sorry about you getting hurt," I offer.

"That's a relief, Raito." You give me a real smile this time. "For a moment, I thought you were going to say you were sorry about the sex."

"Um –" I wonder if I should apologise. After all, it was quite violent.

"I've heard that make-up sex is the best kind," you remark. "But I do hope you might learn how to achieve the same level of intensity without feeling the need to break any of my bones beforehand."

I sift through that statement carefully, before coming to a conclusion.

"You like it rough?" I suggest.

"Not exactly," your finger raises to your lips and your eyes widen as you fix your gaze on me. "I think, Raito, that I just like it with you."

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I'm nervous as I lead Rem along the corridors toward our room. What will she ask for? What will you accept from her? This could still all go wrong. You and she – I realise I'm distressed because I won't be in control of the situation and I allow myself a wry smile at that. I castigate you for not trusting me but I don't trust you either. I wonder if this can ever work, or if we both have too much to learn about being with somebody to be able to manage being in a relationship together.

I shake my head. It's too late for second thoughts now. Besides, I want this. And getting what I want is what I'm good at. I open our door and usher Rem in politely as if she's not a monster from a hell dimension.

"Rem." You're sitting up on the bed, foot bandaged by Watari, who gave me a very black look as he left after doing that.

"Yagami Raito has disclosed his plan to me," she says bluntly. "He intended for me to kill you when you tested the fake rules he had written in the Death Note by the Shinigami, Ryuk. I would have killed you to protect Misa."

"So that was your plan?" You look across at me, face expressionless.

"Yes." I shuffle my feet nervously, then stop. I must try not to pick up _all_ of your habits. "That was my plan."

"Admirable," you say, tonelessly. "Your intelligence never ceases to astound me. So what do you want, Rem?"

"I want Misa to be happy," the Shinigami says. "To be happy, she needs to have someone to replace Yagami Raito in her life. I am willing to accept that he will never make her happy, as he does not love her. But there must be someone that would love her, and that she would find an acceptable partner."

"Excuse me?" Your face takes on a look of horror. "I'm the world's best detective. I'm not a – dating agency!"

"The world's best detective should be able to find one man who can make Misa take pleasure in her life again," Rem goes on, blandly. "This one does not. He is unkind and thoughtless and makes her cry and feel neglected."

"Sorry," I resort to the foot-shuffling again, feeling strangely guilty.

"Amane-san only has herself to blame for that." Your voice cuts into my distress. "She pursued Raito-kun although she knew he had no interest in her and insisted that he was her boyfriend despite having no reason to do so. What Amane-san needs is not a new lover, but therapy."

"Therapy," Rem tastes the word.

"She obviously has a poor self-image, that causes her to seek out partners that will provide her with the unsatisfactory relationships she thinks she deserves," you persist.

"Therapy – _and_ a new man," Rem bargains.

"Very well," you say. "I'll see what I can do."

"Then we are agreed," Rem heads toward the wall, glancing at me as she passes. The look has a promise in it of destruction, should the agreement not be kept.

"What now?" I cross the room, sit wearily on the bed, avoiding your damaged foot.

"Raito-kun should give up his Death Note," you say.

"Don't you think I should remember?" I ask. "I thought that's what you would have wanted."

"Raito-kun has sufficient character flaws," you reply. "Let us not add guilt into the mix."

"You don't like my character?" I widen my eyes as I stare at you.

"I like it." You smile gently. "But, unlike Raito-kun's outward appearance, it is not conventionally attractive."

I shrug. As long as you like how I am, I don't care what anybody else thinks.

"Besides," you go on. "Raito-kun is obsessed with me now, but that might change. If he should decide that he is tired of me, I don't want to leave him with the means to put me out of his misery."

"I would never kill you, L!" I declare indignantly. "Isn't that what all this is about? That I don't want to kill you?"

"You don't want to kill me _now,_" you correct me.

"You'll never trust me, will you?" I sigh, staring down at the carpet in defeat. I thought we'd come further than this.

"I don't know." You reach out, put your hand on my arm. "I may come to trust you. I may not. But that's part of _my_ flawed character, Raito. You'll just have to accept it. After all, nobody's perfect."

"I suppose not," I say, then smile at you. "You're perfect for me, anyway."

"What about your other Death Note? Your Shinigami?"

"That could be a problem," I admit. "He said he'd kill me when my time came to die. I suspect he may just kill me out of pique if I don't provide him with amusement any more."

"That's all he wants?" You push yourself up in the bed, eyes calculating, looking for the angle. I smile. We're so alike.

"Entertainment," I reply. "That – and apples."

"Apples?"

"He dotes on them. Can't get enough."

"Show him to me," you command, and I go to fetch my bag, bringing out the Death Note and handing it to you. You look around the room.

"Where is he?"

"Ryuk!" I call.

"Raito – there are no apples in this whole building!" Ryuk's head is a picture of misery, even sticking through the wall as it is.

"So this is – Ryuk?" You stare at him in interest. "He's very different to Rem."

"We're all different," Ryuk says, morphing completely through the wall. "So this is the famous L?"

"You've seen me before," you reply.

"Ah. You know all about it then?"

"Everything," you say. "At least, everything Raito has seen fit to tell me. One moment, please."

You take out your cell phone and speed dial. Ryuk amuses himself in the meantime by staring from you to me in a more suggestive way than his face would seem capable of. Then dissolves into a minor fit of hyuksterics. I fold my arms and attempt to ignore him.

"Watari?" you say. "Can you get Father Carroll for me? Yes – have him call me as soon as he can. Thank you."

You break the connection and turn your attention back to the Shinigami.

"Father Carroll is the priest in a small town where I once lived," you tell him. "I helped him out once. I plan to bury your Death Note and the other one in the grounds of his church."

"That won't hurt me," Ryuk puts his head on one side, looking vaguely puzzled. "I'm not a poltergeist or something."

"It's not meant to hurt you," you say. "But I believe you can't travel very far from the area your Death Note's kept in. So it should confine you."

"But – what will I do?" Ryuk doesn't seem too pleased with this idea.

"Amuse yourself listening in at confessions and enjoying the torment of the congregation's petty sins," you suggest. "I don't really care what you do as long as you don't give the Death Note to anybody else. And at this point, I might mention that the priest's house has an extensive apple orchard in its grounds."

"Apples?" Now Ryuk's looking a little happier.

"Continuous apples," you confirm. "If you want them. Anyway, it's the best offer you're going to get, so I suggest you take it."

I grin to myself, watching you glare at him, your face menacing. There's nobody like you for playing a hand that holds absolutely no cards.

"I'll take it," Ryuk agrees. "Apples. And a priest to annoy."

"Good." You wave, dismissively. "Go, now. Raito and I have things to discuss."

"We do?" I ask you, when he's gone, reciting a list of apple varieties to himself in an undertone.

"What do you intend to do, Raito?" you ask, serious now. "Will you work with me?"

"I was thinking about that." I feel it's time to enlighten you as to my new plans for my future. Our future. "You have a lot of influence with governments and the corporations and financial institutions that are behind the governments."

"And?"

"Don't you see, L?" I lean toward you, excited. "The problem with my being Kira was, I was thinking far too small! One criminal at a time – what a _waste_ of time! With your contacts and power, we can change the course of whole countries. Make governments dance to our tune, alter the way their educational systems work – teach people how to behave before they're too old to change their ways! And we can do something about the environment too, before it's too late to fix all the harm that's been done there."

"You want to take over the world." You stare at me, finger at your lips.

"Why not?" I say. "I might make a better job of it than how it is at the moment."

"And where do I fit into this new planetary scheme of things?"

"You're my lover." I bend to kiss you gently. "My angel. My partner. My co-ruler of the world and the voice of my conscience."

"If I'm the voice of your conscience, Raito-kun," you say dubiously, "I don't think you're going to have much of one."

"Nonsense, L," I tell you. "You always know when I'm going too far. When I get carried away with things. You can stop me."

"But – I take it I'm not supposed to mention that wanting to rule the world may be going a bit too far for most people?"

"Not for us," I say, assuredly. "We're going to rewrite history! Make a new world. Earth according to Raito and L!"

"Lawliet," you mutter.

"What?"

"My name. I said I'd tell you when the case was over. So I'm telling you."

"Oh." I stare at you, surprised. No – amazed. "I thought you were lying about that."

"I don't lie about _everything,_ Raito."

"No. I suppose not."

"Raito?"

"Yes – Lawliet?" I say, slowly, enjoying the sound of your name in my mouth.

"Does it ever occur to you," you shuffle up to sit beside me, snuggling your head onto my shoulder, "that perhaps you're clinically insane?"

"Not really." I think about that, sliding my arm around your slender waist, breathing in the scent of your hair. "Do you think it should?"

"I just wondered. It doesn't matter."

"It's possible." I shrug, dismissing the irrelevancy and drop a kiss onto the top of your head. "I suppose it's just something you'll have to accept as part of my flawed character, Lawliet. As you said. Nobody's perfect."


	13. Sacrifice

_Ae fond kiss, and then we sever!  
Ae farewell, and then forever!  
Deep in heart-wrung tears I'll pledge thee,  
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee._

_Had we never loved sae kindly,  
Had we never loved sae blindly,  
Never met - or never parted --  
We had ne'er been broken-hearted_.

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

_For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? (Mark 8:36)_

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

_Quote from Ae Fond Kiss by Robert Burns._

_SPOILERS: up to episode 25 anime/chapter 58 manga_

_DISCLAIMER: Death Note and its characters are not mine. Only this story is mine._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

Why are you here again? Up on the roof, alone. The rain's pouring down, but you don't seem to mind or even notice it. You haven't been alone for a long time, perhaps that's it. Maybe you're enjoying the solitude after being chained to me for so much time. I know you've got something on your mind. The last few days you've been distant, unapproachable. Your birthday came and went without much change in your mood and our bedtime activities have been short-lived, leaving me feeling as though you're not quite there with me.

Perhaps this is the opportunity I need to put things right with you, to fix whatever's gone wrong. Since for once I've found you away from everyone and we have nothing else to do to take our attention. I call out to you, but you don't hear me. I try it louder, but you cup your hand behind your ear and give me a goofy smile. You want me to get wet, is that it? I sigh and make my way across the flooded rooftop toward you, trying vainly to shelter myself from the storm with my hand.

"What are you doing, Ryuuzaki?"

"Nothing, really," you say. "It's just the bells."

"Bells?"

"They're really loud today."

I glance around, straining my ears to hear what you do. "I don't hear anything?"

"Really?" you seem surprised. "The conditions are so good today – you can't help but hear them. It's a church. A wedding perhaps. Or –"

"What are you talking about, Ryuuzaki?" I break in, not wanting you to finish that sentence. I have a shivering feeling running up my spine, nothing to do with the coldness of the rain. "It sounds like nonsense. Come inside with me."

"I'm sorry." You glance at me, then turn away. "I'm not good at having relationships with people. I'm distant, I know. I don't trust anyone."

I sigh, watching you. You look so sad, wet and cold like an abandoned child. I want to hold you, but I sense you wouldn't welcome it. I feel you have more to say, but it doesn't seem to want to happen.

"That's true, Ryuuzaki," I agree with you, hoping to prompt you to tell me what's really wrong. "I know you've never wanted to be in a relationship. You've always felt it's wrong for you. That you shouldn't – nobody knows that better than I do."

"Yes, Raito-kun, that's how it is." Your tone is inexpressibly sad as you go on. "But you're the same as me."

"What do you mean?" I ask, preparing myself for another round of speculation on the motivations for my behaviour.

"Have you ever told the truth once in your life? Since the moment you were born?" you demand instead.

"What are you saying, Ryuuzaki?" I ask you, uncomfortable with this line of thought. It's not as if I've actually lied to you. Well, I have. But I didn't know it was a lie – since I became Kira again, you've never actually come straight out and asked me if I am, so I haven't had to lie. I realise then, what's wrong. You know. You know and you don't want to ask me about it. What would I say if you did? "Of course I lie sometimes," I go on. "Show me somebody that doesn't. Nobody's perfect. You know I won't tell lies that would hurt someone that I love."

"I suppose that's why you're so popular," you say quite bitterly and I wonder what that's supposed to mean. Are you comparing us? Do you think it's your deceitful nature that alienates you from the rest of humanity? That's too simplistic for you – you must know it's more than that. How different you are – how different we both are. Then it crosses my mind that perhaps you mean you lie to those you love – lie to me. But what about?

I want to get to the bottom of this black mood of yours, but not out here in the rain. The state of you – dripping with water... it's quite attractive actually, and for a brief moment I wonder what it'd be like to strip you naked, out here and hold your chilled, wet skin against mine, with the rain pouring over us. Then the moment is offset by my concern that you might catch a cold.

"Let's go back inside," I suggest. "You're wet and so am I."

"Yes," you mutter, following me into the building.

We head for the nearest bathroom, dripping everywhere, searching for towels. I take mine out into the corridor, slump down on the stairs, cold and more than a little puzzled over what might be going through your mind.

"We're both soaked," you murmur, coming back with a towel draped over your head.

"It's your fault," I grumble. "Standing out in the rain like that."

"That's true," you murmur. "I'm sorry."

I say nothing, lost in my thoughts, my plans, until I suddenly feel your hands on me. On my feet.

"What are you doing, Ryuuzaki?" I exclaim.

"Helping you get dry." You look up at me, kneeling at the bottom of the stairs, at my feet.

"You don't need to do that." I'm strangely embarrassed by the circumstances. I almost laugh, aware that before I was confined – before I was chained to you and came to love you – this symbolism would have given me the greatest of pleasure.

"I'll massage your feet," you decide. "I'm quite good at it. It's the least I can do."

I wonder what you mean by that. You do a lot more for me than massage my feet, why does this matter to you? And why the hell do you still look so unhappy?

"Do what you want," I tell you, knowing that you will whatever I say.

It tickles at first and I find it hard to keep still. You haven't dried yourself and I watch the drops collect on the ends of your hair and fall down onto my foot as you cradle it in your hands.

"You're still wet," I murmur, reaching out with my towel to blot away the dampness.

"I'm sorry," you say again, but for what, I don't know.

We sit quietly together for some time after that. I'm thinking about my plan, about the best way to handle the situation so that everyone gets what they want out of it. I should say, so that everyone gets enough out of it so that they leave you and I alone. I'm also enjoying the feel of your hands on me, but that's a given.

"I'm sad," you say, breaking the silence.

"Huh?" I return to reality. Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?

"You'll understand soon," you say. No, apparently you're not going to tell me. What a frustrating man you are at times. I'm about to demand an explanation, when your phone rings.

"Hello?" you say. "Yes. I understand. I'll be there soon."

"Let's go, Raito-kun." you say, not looking at me. "Maybe things will turn out well after all."

You're on your way before I can ask you what you mean and I get to my feet and follow you. Your strange behavior has determined me to corner Rem today and make sure my plan's unravelled. Then I can deal with your problems, whatever they are. Maybe I'll have to confess to you. I feel I can do that – after all, you care for me, don't you? Perhaps knowing for certain will put your mind at rest and then we can move on.

We hurry to the elevator, get in, you press to go down.

"What's so urgent, Ryuuzaki?" I ask, leaving my plans aside, ready to deal with the current emergency, whatever it may be. "What's happening?"

"Proof," you mutter, not looking at me, staring at the floor. "In a few moments, I plan to set in motion events that will finally give me proof."

"Proof of what, Ryuu?"

"That you're Kira."

The world seems to stop for me. I feel as if I dived in icy water and my heart gave up beating. With no conscious decision, I reach out and press the stop button on the elevator panel.

"Do you plan to start a fight with me, Yagami-kun?" you say, now looking up at me, your eyes guarded. "Because you know that I will win."

"Eru-chan –" I begin.

"Don't call me that," you say.

"But you – you and I, Ryuuzaki –"

"There is no you and I," you say.

"What are you saying, Ryuuzaki!" I hear my voice, desperate and pleading. "We love each other! How could you do this?"

"I don't love you," you state.

I just stare at you while the world breaks up around me and the shards fly.

"I felt desire for you," you clarify. "You're attractive. Intelligent. But desire passes. You're a murderer, Yagami Raito and I am L. I am Justice. How could I love someone like you?"

"But I love you," I say. "And – Ryuuzaki, this isn't true. You do love me. I know you do – the way you look at me, the things you say, the way you touch me –"

"I don't love you," you reiterate. "You were right all the time, Raito, when you said you thought I was lying to you, manipulating you. That's what I did. I knew you were attracted to me, how could I be the world's three best detectives and not be aware of what people are feeling around me? What they want and desire? So I let you think I felt the same way about you. I played the innocent because I knew that would appeal to your protective instincts, bond you even closer to me. I let you think you were leading me into a relationship, when in fact, I was leading you."

"But – but –" I'm snatching at straws. "Why – when I confessed to you – I mean, when I said I would confess – when I didn't know –"

"It wasn't enough," you explain. "I need proof. I need something that will convince the world, not just myself. And now I'm going to have it. You will be arrested, Yagami Raito and when you are put to death I will be there to see it."

"Ryuu –" I reach out for you, but you slip to one side, evading me.

"We weren't even friends, Yagami Raito," you say. "I told you we were when you were Kira the first time, it was part of the game and I still don't understand why you persisted in believing it when you lost your memories."

I look down, not wanting you to see my face. My eyes are stinging and I don't want you to see my weakness. "I wanted to believe you, Ryuuzaki. I wanted us to be friends. I was innocent and I cared for you, how could you use me like that?"

"I was doing my job, nothing more," you reply. "Nothing. No friendship, no love, it was all a lie."

"Eru –"

"Don't call me that!" you say, angrily, reaching for the panel, setting the elevator moving again. "You don't love me either, Yagami, you never did. You're not capable of it, you're a sociopath and a killer!"

"You're wrong," I say, raising my head, not caring any more if you see the tears. "I loved you. And I love you now. Kill me if you can, but I will love you until my last moment. No matter how you try to justify what you're doing, you can't make that into a lie."

You look into my eyes and I see something in yours. Guilt? Fear? What have you to be afraid of? You don't know my plan – the plan I meant to dismantle, to warn you about. You don't know what will happen if you go ahead with what I think you mean to do. I would have stopped the progression of events earlier, distracted Rem with something else, but I never thought you'd do this. I didn't know if you loved me, but I thought you wanted me enough to let things lie, to give up on the case and move on.

The elevator doors open and you throw yourself away from me, into the investigation room, where I can't talk to you.

The team are in uproar and I can't make out what the hell's going on. Matsuda's complaining about testing the notebook – no! You can't do this – it's too soon. I should have – I've been distracted, thinking of you, being with you. I shouldn't have left things so long. I can't let you do this!

"Ryuuzaki, what are you doing?" I exclaim, trying to buy time.

"I plan to test the notebook and see what happens for myself." You pick up a spoon to stir your ever-present cup of tea.

The team start up again, objecting, shouting, but I don't say anything. It's as I thought. You'll test the Death Note and Rem will kill you. My plan. My god damned, infernal plan. I barely listen as you outline your scheme to have a criminal test the book.

I see you, then, pausing, stricken, silent. The first overwhelming spasm of pain jolting through you. Then falling, falling, beyond hope, beyond redemption. I dive for you, catch you before you hit the floor. One last time, held in my arms. You stare up at me, your features clouded with pain. I didn't want to hurt you, Eru-chan. I swear, I didn't... but that doesn't matter now, does it?

Your eyes are glazing, but you still see me, I know that. And I can give you one last thing. I let the Kira part of me take over, here, with my back to the room so nobody else can see. I think only of how I've won, how I defeated my rival. I feel the smile curl across my face, evil and triumphant.

You sigh. Vindicated. In different circumstances, I could smile at your childish need to be right.

"So," you murmur, so low I can hardly hear you. "I was not wrong..."

As if my thoughts were real, I gasp, almost overwhelmed by the vivid image. I step forward without even thinking about it.

"No! L – don't!" Rem pauses on her way out of the room and I wave to her, halt her departure.

"What?" You turn to look at me, your eyes expressionless.

"If you do this, if you test the rule, you'll die."

I hear the outbreak of gasps and protests from the other team members as I finish speaking. It's as though they're on the other side of a glass wall. There's nothing but you and me, your eyes on me, my defeat.

"Would Yagami-kun care to explain himself?" you ask, tonelessly.

"I'll explain everything, but you must leave Misa out of this," I say hurriedly, glancing at Rem, who's giving me her usual unreadable stare. "She's the reason why you'll die. Rem will kill you if you threaten Misa, if you prove she's the second Kira."

"Very well," you agree. "I'm concerned only with stopping the first Kira, as he is doubtless the motivating force behind Amane's actions. If she can be neutralized, I have no further interest in her."

"I never loved her," I say, turning to Rem. "I never could. She wouldn't be happy with me. But, alive, she has the chance to find someone else to make her happy."

The Shinigami stares at me for a long moment. I clench my hands and wish I had something to pray to. Even in this moment of agonizing uncertainty, the black, humorous thought crosses my mind that that's an odd thing for a god to wish for. Then she inclines her head and I let the held breath fall from my lips in a sigh of relief.

I turn back to you, where you sit, crouched and beautiful on your chair. Examining me and no doubt, despising me.

"Tell me, Yagami-kun," you invite me.

I straighten up and stare back at you, defiantly. I won't let you see what you've done to me. My pride is all I have left and it's not enough, but it'll have to do.

"I am Kira," I say.

"No!" It's my father. He grabs my shoulders, shaking me, demanding I retract the words. I stare into his eyes, wordlessly; eventually he realises, sees for himself what you've seen all along. He steps back from me, his face masked with horror, pain and worst of all, disappointment.

"I never believed you." I turn to you, ignoring everyone else. They don't matter to me. They never did. "All the time, you thought you had me fooled, but I never believed you. It was too good to be true. I wanted it, hoped for it, needed it, but I never believed it."

"I don't know what you mean, Yagami-kun." You get up from your chair, facing me like an enemy, your eyes challenge me to explain what I mean. Do you think I won't, now, when I have nothing left to lose?

"And you know why?" I continue, staring at you, angry with you now. "Because you never said you loved me, baka! Why couldn't you tell that one lie when you told so many others? Why..."

I can't go on. I put my hands over my face, I won't let you see me cry. Not again. You've won almost everything, I won't give you that. You don't deserve it.

I remember your words in the elevator. The emphatic way you spoke, trying to convince me. Or to convince yourself? Did you – did you lie to me then? You always lie – how can I ever know? Did you love me and lie to me and give me up because you were afraid? Or because you thought it was the right thing to do? You said I didn't love you – there was no way you could truly believe that when I'd proved over and over to you that I did, that there was nothing I wouldn't do for you, give to you. Was it just what you wanted to believe?

I remember the night we were together after we regained the Death Note. Even as Kira, I've never been anything but gentle with you, held you like a precious porcelain doll, loved you slowly, sweetly, pleasure not pain. But that night, you were so eager, begging me, demanding domination, almost as if you wanted to elicit my aggression. Would the rough sex you seemed to seek have helped you? Given you another reason to convince yourself I didn't care, that I was using you? Somehow, I regain control of myself and look up at you.

"If you lied to me, Eru, if you loved me and you lied when you said you didn't – that was foolish." I sigh, knowing it's hopeless, like speaking to a stone. "I would have given this all up for you. Renounced being Kira. Been only Yagami Raito and your lover."

"Yagami-kun is making no sense." You look down, not meeting my eyes. "He is obviously distraught, having confessed his crimes and is –"

"I would have given it up for you!" I take a step forward, hiss into your face. "Are you so stupid, you couldn't see that? I would have given you everything – anything – why couldn't you tell me you loved me, Eru? Is it because it was true? Or because it wasn't?"

I gaze into your face, see you for once lost for words, searching for something to say to me but unable to find it.

"What will you do without me?" I ask you finally, throwing your own words back at you. "Who do you think you could find to replace me? Do you really want to be alone?"

You stare at me, eyes unreadable and I can't deal with it. I reach out, grab your arms and pull you into mine, pressing my lips to yours, ignoring the scandalized gasps of the others.

Your eyes close and you stand limply in my embrace, neither kissing nor refusing to be kissed, for a long minute as I try to wake you, warm you, bring you back to me. Then you push me away, sending me staggering back into the hands that wait to arrest me.

"Take him away," you dismiss me, turning your back on me. "I'll question him later."

"You promised me –" I say as they lead me, handcuffed, from the room. "L – you promised me – you said I could end it myself."

"I lied," you tell me. That's enough. I let myself be taken away, silent and submissive, or so I hope you'll think.

_oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

I make them bring me paper and a pen to my cell. Matsuda brings it. I tell him I want to make notes, get my thoughts in order for my confession. He thinks that's reasonable, poor man. He looks like he's about to cry and I've no comfort to give him.

I stare down at the paper. Pick up the pen. The irony doesn't escape me, as I remember the times I sat in my room with a pen in my hand like this, performing the act that would eventually bring me here.

I write. Despite my assurances to Matsuda, I don't need to make notes, temporize, or think about what I want to say. Every event in the sequence is quite clear in my mind, it's just a case of explaining them. When I've finished, I sign it. Then I take another sheet of paper and look down at its blankness in confusion.

What would I say to you? I told you I loved you and I have nothing more to add to that. I'm not going to apologise for something that I don't think was wrong. Being Kira... being with you... neither of those things were wrong in my opinion. So what would I say to you?

I find I no longer have the mental resources to justify my actions, even to myself. Right or wrong, I don't care about proving it any more, I don't care if anyone believes me or believes in me. I'm numb, exhausted, chilled with the fallout from your coldness to me. But I know this almost blissful feeling of uninvolvement won't last. It's too good to be true, just like your lies. I need to act before I'm paralyzed by the pain I feel waiting to envelop me. The denial – the refusal to accept that I'll never see you again, never speak to you, never touch you. I know it's true. I believe it. But I disbelieve it just as strongly, because it's impossible. That you and I should not be together... I can't accept it. I loved you and you betrayed me and I can't, I don't know how to deal with it.

I decide I've nothing more to say to you and put down the pen. I never want to pick up another. You promised me I could have the option to kill myself if I confessed, yet here I am, locked in a cell, waiting for your interrogation, my judgment and my eventual execution. You've taken away my choices. Or at least you think you have.

I lean my head on my hands and take a moment to remember you. In the park. In the bath. On the roof. In our bed. With me, every moment, my constant companion. The chain, the surveillance, was supposed to be for your benefit, so you could watch me. But I gained so much more from it than you ever could – I would have let you hang chains all over me, until they weighed me down to the floor, if only it meant I could be with you.

Already, I'm missing you, though I know you're watching me. There's a camera in the corner of the room and I can feel your eyes, your presence. I think about what you said to me after we were on the roof. That things might turn out well after all. That hurts more than anything else. That you'd think me being dead meant things had turned out as you wanted them.

Not a word of what you said to me was true, but I find I don't care about that either. I'd have you back now, just as you are, lying to me. If you were here – if I could hold you... kiss you... but I'm just another prisoner to you. Another case you've won. In your power, at your disposal. Or so you'd like to think.

I turn to the camera that watches me, its blank eye revealing me to yours.

"I'm sorry," I mutter, then my voice gains strength as I find I do have something to say to you after all. "I'm not sorry that I'm Kira. I was right. And I'm not sorry that I loved you. Though I'm tempted to admit now, that perhaps you don't deserve it. I'm sorry that you're so afraid of me that you can't accept what I offered you. What I wanted to give you. What I have given you. And I hope –" I falter, suddenly and horribly aware that I'm never going to see you again. Never. I swallow back the pain and continue. "I hope that you never come to regret this. Although I think you will."

Then, before you can react, before you can send someone to see what I mean by my words, I stand, my hand lifting to my chest in anticipation, though you might take it as the dramatic gesture of a rejected lover. I have one choice left.

"Ryuk!" I say. "It's over."

**FINIS**


End file.
